To think that my sibling should not tell me how to care for my dad?

[CaringForMyElderlyDad]

I see my elderly dad every day, and my dh and I do a lot for him. It's exhausting but I don't think he could survive independently without us now, unless he had a lot of help from carers etc. Which he won't consider yet. I also think his quality of life would be totally different without us.

My sibling doesn't live near and only visits occasionally.

My sibling has always had very strong opinions about how things should be done, and they have never been afraid to voice these. Their intentions are definitely good, but I have always struggled with their controlling approach.

My sibling is increasingly voicing opinions about things they think I should be doing for my dad. My perspective is that, they are welcome to do things their way if they want to come here and do the doing - I would love to have some respite! However, if I'm the one carrying the burden, then I don't want to be delegated to, I just want to be left to do it in my own way.

Absolutely they do not get a say . Only the people involved decide what is necessary. Plus they have no idea if they are not in frequent contact . Ignore or if you don't want to force the issue you can reply Hmm I might think about it .... Try not to let it annoy you , just be non-committal when talking . Hopefully they won't bother you to often.

they are welcome to do things their way if they want to come here and do the doing - I would love to have some respite

Say this to them. Really, do it. Be brave.

I would give short shrift. “Mate, you’re not here, I am. I don’t care about your reasons why, it’s just a fact of life. So I am doing it my way and Dad’s happy with it. I don’t want to hear anymore on the subject”.

And walk away. A discussion about something takes two people. If you’re not there to be part of said discussion, it’s not a discussion that you are unwillingly part of.

From past experience, your sibling will be liberal with the opinions and NOT with the offer of respite.

Call him out in it. 'Its good that you have thought about his day to day care because we are in dire need of a break/holiday. This is the week we are looking at please confirm that you are available to step in'

Oh, one of those - always very generous with other people's time / money / energy etc. Always a treat.

Your perspective is perfectly reasonable. "Haha, yes, when you're doing the work, you can make the decisions". Be firm.

Thank you for the comments and the votes. They're quite validating and will hopefully give me the confidence to push back. I'm a people pleaser usually and tend to avoid conflict, but I'm getting to my limit now.

I think siblings feel some guilt and feel that chipping in with ‘advice’ is a way to do that. However it’s not on,they aren’t here.

Start by agreeing that your sister's ideas are good. She means well.

Tell her that, yes, you might try that. And suggest that she is very welcome to set things up and do them. Dad would love it as I don't have time. Tell her that you have reached your capacity.

Genuinely listen to her; she might have ways to be more efficient and save you time.
At the end of the day you will do what you do while she is not there and your Dad will be well looked after.
Don't react against her. It is negative energy.

Avoiding conflict tells the other person nothing useful and causes you angst which you then have to live with unhappily. Get over it.

Is this an older sister? Is it sibling dynamics in play - has she always bossed you about?

In this situation she does not have the right to do so. She can do it her way when she does it herself.

If you don't push back to avoid conflict she will keep doing this, keep annoying you. She might even think (wrongly) that her advice is helpful.

You don't have to be horrible. You can say 'Sis, I know you mean well but your advice is not helpful. If you want to come here and do it your way, feel free, but otherwise leave me to get on with it.'

Tell me you've never taken on an unequal caring role without telling me...

Caring for someone you love who is becoming less and less able, whilst another sibling critiques from afar is really REALLY hard. I suspect you're a distant sibling... My siblings said similarly 'helpful' things during my mum's decline, death and house clearing. Our relationship will never recover.

My sister and I are no longer in contact after our Dad fell terminally ill and died within 6 months. I'm still open mouthed at the level of sheer stupidity she showed. It's awkward as hell as Mum is still alive but I avoid any family occasions like the plague.

Your sibling is still their father's child, and has the right to be concerned about their/your father's health and care.

It sounds very frustrating for you, as you are exhausted & trying to do the right thing by your father. However, it could also be that your sibling can see things at a distance that you don't notice seeing your father every day.

I think you need to have a respectful conversation with your sibling, and accord them the right to have an opinion about their father's life. You can then listen to what they suggest, and outline why something isn't practical, OR talk to your sibling about how they might implement their suggestion.

Don't play the martyr and remember, you and your sibling share a parent. Listen to them. Try to look at it like that - you might get some real assistance from your sibling, or at least hear from them why they can't help.

YABU - Tell this to your sibling! They are welcome to roll up their sleeves and help. If not, they can butt out.

I have one of them siblings

Arrived home from abroad changes all our arrangements as he knew better.

Had to waste my time changing them all back to suit me, the carer!!

Now, I just smile and nod. I dont not respond to text messages giving me advice

You haven’t said what exactly you do or don’t do that your sibling thinks should be different.
Nor how easy it is or not for them to see your father ?
Both are relevant to them expressing a view about his care. Do they think he needs more care than you are able to provide ?

Tell me you have never cared for a parent without telling me you have never cared for a parent 🙄

People pleasing isnt working op, pls push back! I hate people who don’t muck in themselves, telling the ones who do, they aren’t doing it the ‘right’ way!!!!

how far away do they live and how often do they visit??

Embrace conflict, as a one off if you like, that should be all it takes. Say exactly what’s in your OP, they get a say when they’re the one doing the hard graft day in day out. Cheeky sod.

I do a lot of care for our mum. DB doesn’t. He wouldn’t dream/dare to tell me what to do.

YANBU
(Unless you're doing something drastically wrong and the sibling is countering that with common sense, but I'm guessing that's not the case)

Tell them they are not Management, and you are not The Help.

You do a great deal for the Dad, and there is no reason to think that their way would be any better. If they want to test their theories, they are very welcome to do so.

But until then they can sit down, shut up, and be very, VERY appreciative that someone is doing so much hands on caring for their Dad, and stop yapping at you to perform according to their specifications.

YANBU. I'd just be a stuck record "You're so welcome to come and do it that way if you feel it's best...". I'd also limit contact a certain amount so they don't get the chance to let you know all the things you "should" be doing. It sounds exhausting caring for your Dad AND having to justify what you're doing or listen to someone trying to tell you what to do.

What are the things your sister is suggesting? Are they all poor ideas? If your relationship with her is otherwise good I would try some of the following responses …

In theory that’s a good idea but in practice it just doesn’t work for dad’s circumstances.

We tried that months ago but it didn’t work.

That’s an interesting suggestion - we can maybe think about that for future.

I understand why you’re suggesting X but actually, we’ve found that Y works a lot better.

etc etc

Or a bit more pointed …

Sister, I know you mean well but you’re not there week in week out and you’ve no idea of the realities.

I know it’s hard for you, being so far away from dad which means you aren’t able to help him much. But your suggestions aren’t helpful or realistic because they don’t reflect dad’s needs / limitations

etc

We suggested absent sibling take mil home with them. They declined.