To think that my sibling should not tell me how to care for my dad?

[CaringForMyElderlyDad]

I see my elderly dad every day, and my dh and I do a lot for him. It's exhausting but I don't think he could survive independently without us now, unless he had a lot of help from carers etc. Which he won't consider yet. I also think his quality of life would be totally different without us.

My sibling doesn't live near and only visits occasionally.

My sibling has always had very strong opinions about how things should be done, and they have never been afraid to voice these. Their intentions are definitely good, but I have always struggled with their controlling approach.

My sibling is increasingly voicing opinions about things they think I should be doing for my dad. My perspective is that, they are welcome to do things their way if they want to come here and do the doing - I would love to have some respite! However, if I'm the one carrying the burden, then I don't want to be delegated to, I just want to be left to do it in my own way.

I would ask if they would come for a week to give you and DH a chance to go on holiday and they can do things how they like during that time.

Thank you for all of the support.

In answer to some of the points raised, yes, it is an older sibling. They live around 350 miles away so not close. They have spent 2 nights at my dad's so far this year in one visit, but will likely do another couple of visits in the summer/around Christmas. They do speak to him on the phone quite often.

I don't doubt that their intentions are good. And I don't disagree that the tasks that they are trying to delegate to be would be useful. They are simply not my priorities. I have a demanding full time job and limited capacity. I already spend about 15 hours each week supporting my dad and I don't have the time or the energy to do more.

The tasks that my sibling wants me to undertake are varied. They might be things that need doing in the house or garden. Financial things that need sorting. Places they would like me to take my dad etc. They are not bad ideas, but I cannot do everything so I do the things which I consider to be most important for his health and wellbeing.

It would be easier if he would accept some paid help, and I am working on this, but he is very resistant to this at the moment. He values his independence. And for all his problems, he does still have the capacity to make his own decisions, so I cannot force this issue. Plus, he is not the one demanding that I should do more.

Op it depends what doesn’t live near means- myself and brother live nearer to mum and so could help her more last year, this year my sister is a legend and is travelling tons as has cut down work hours. My dad lived the other end of the country to my granny and wanted her to move close to us but it caused a rift- he could only get up to her every second weekend (which now I realise is tons given the distance!) and his siblings gave him no say in anything

Can they do any of the tasks remotely eg financial or arranging gardening services etc.
I think you need to say exactly what you’ve said here that you are spending hours caring on top of ft job. You can only do so much. They probably aren’t aware of extent of care needed if they only visit a few days a year. Why don’t they come for a week and get some of the things done they think are important and you’ll go away for a break.

As the child who does everything (with brothers who do absolutely fuck all) I agree, says this out loud.

I was the long distance sibling in your scenario although local sibling was more like twice a week. So inevitably they were much more hands on than me. I was very careful not to give my views unless one or more of;

• I was willing to deal with it myself (eg order equipment, speak to contractors)
• my suggestion would genuinely be quicker or easier for sibling but then only a suggestion to consider not a command
• it was really serious

I took on the things I could do remotely eg finances under POA, ordering food deliveries, reordering meds to share the load as best was practical.

I also took a key role in really pushing the need for carers, going up in person to discuss with parent and then arranging it. Parent actually took that better from me than sibling and they might take it better from yours.

Tbh, some of the financial stuff could be managed remotely (I already do similar for another elderly relative) but it isn't currently easy to do in person or remotely because my dad does not actually want help with it. Even though he probably needs it.

Sibling often wants me to persuade my dad to let me help with stuff. I prefer to pick my battles. I will argue with him if e.g. I think he needs to see the doctor and he is avoiding it. Or if I think he is about to get scammed. Or something else that I think will have serious consequences or directly impact on his wellbeing. But I'm not willing to argue the toss about everything. He still has the right to make his own decisions, even if they aren't always the ones that I would make.

Sibling could of course attempt to do some of this "persuasion" remotely. But apparently it's "much easier" for me because I'm right here with him.

Most of sibling's gifts to my dad also involve me doing something with him or taking him somewhere. I've already told sibling that I don't want them to do any more of these.

It is often the case that people not doing any of the care come up with "good ideas' that would inoovolve the caring person doing more. Also it can happen that the cared for parent starts taking for granted all that you do for them. They take what you do as a 'given'.
For example if you always call Monday/Wednesday/Friday they begin thinking of what you could have done/taken them to the other days. They have no concept of what the days you already do takes out of your life because you have been uncomplainingly doing these days for some time
What is annoying/hurtful is that if the 'missing' sibling does one thing, maybe sends a gift/takes them out on a rare visit it seems far more appreciated that all that you do every week.
I'm also wondering if your dad might be complaining about things he would like done to your siblings in the telephone conversations they have together. Then the sibling, not experiencing the reality of in the area daily care, thinks it's 'helpful' to put these ideas forward on his behalf. Possibly he is just sounding off about the frustrations of old age and doesn't expect she'll pass these ideas on. Possibly, if he is talking to her, he is hinting for more time/visits from her. In any event you need to be very strong on saying that you are at full capacity. You need a break and it would be best if she takes on some of these ideas when she comes to visit. Turn it around op. Tell your sibling how much your dad would love longer visits from her. How he would 😘 be being taken out to the coast/life cal beauty spot/lunch/theatre/cinema when she comes to visit . See if she wants to take your great ideas on board or whether you get a long explanation about why she can't possibly do more. Fair enough if that is the case, she can then surely understand why you definitely can't do any more than You're doing already 💐

Ok so if I were your sibling, I’d tell you to stop being a martyr and I’d tell my dad that either he accepts some paid help or he’s on his own.
i know 2 siblings that sound just like you and your sibling. It’s pretty awful seeing one getting so stressed about what she goes for their mother - her own family is paying the price. Her sibling gives sensible advice about getting more help in but sister says no, mum wouldn’t like it.
It’s an easy trap to fall into but no one wins. Do not let your father take over your life because of his selfish demands. This is not just about an unsupportive sibling!

I think you just need to state clearly to sibling that you have neither the time nor the energy to do their suggestions and ideas. So even if it's the best idea in the world, you have not the time nor energy. So if they want it to happen they need to put in time and energy themselves to make it happen
Keep repeating as often as necessary

Thank you for your input, but I think you may have misread the situation. I'm not being a martyr and my dad's demands aren't selfish.

Nobody is forcing me to do what I do. It is a choice that I willingly make, and while it is exhausting sometimes, I am happy to do it. I just don't want to do more than I am already doing, simply because my sibling thinks I should. For example, my sibling really wanted me to take him to a specific event on Sunday because they thought he would enjoy it. And he probably would, but I don't want to go because I have things of my own that I want to do on Sunday instead.

Yes, my dad is resistant to buying in additional help, but that is partly because he doesn't really care that much about some of the things that we might think he needs help with. He is not expecting me to do those things for him instead. My sibling is expecting me to do them.

If sibling is able to persuade him to buy in extra support, then I will 100% be on board with that, but there are some battles that I personally choose not to fight.

Obviously you just say “come do it your way then” and watch them squirm.

Hi OP, as someone who has been in a similarish position to you...
Firstly, I would accept less of my siblings calls - the less access to you they have, the less they can make suggestions. If they want to know something they can call their dad. Maybe give them a callback once a week or whatever suits you. It also helps reinforce that you are run off your feet with your dad.
Next, take a default position with any suggestion from sibling: They should speak to your father about it and go ahead if they wish, not involving you (and not assuming your involvement). Practice some responses 'great idea, why don't you investigate it' or ' How are you going to do that from 350 miles away?' When they say its easier for you to do something than them, the obvious answer is - 'not from my perspective it isn't'. Repeat as often as necessary: you are already doing too much and cannot take on anything else, no matter how small.
Lastly, I do however think you need to consider your own boundaries. You should consider what you are willing / able to do and stick to it. People run their own health into the ground in these situations. If setting limits means your father needs to get additional help, so be it. If he then refuses that help and it all falls apart, again, so be it. You are not responsible for his choices, you cannot force him and you must not, absolutely must not, feel guilty. If it gets bad enough you will need to call in Social Services to force the matter.

I became chief organiser/carer because I lived close. I always said, with the elderly relatives agreement that they’d go into a home when it became physical caring rather than appointments/bills/shopping/cleaning/organising etc. my kids were young at the time.
When they had a fall and the hospital said they’d only discharge if there was 24hr company we decided the time had come for a home. The number of phone calls I had from relatives that visited for Christmas and Birthdays saying they didn't think it was a good idea and not necessary was unreal! I found they soon did a swift 180 when I said fine, you’re welcome to take over my POA, shall I send you the GP, dentist, care agency, plumber, electrician, gardener and a hundred others numbers? No, thought not…😂stick to your guns OP, unless your sister wants to take over completely. Know your limits and dont be persuaded to do more than you can cope with. This might go on for many years yet.

OP, you are correct. You should tell your sibling to back off. Your sibling should only buy gifts if he is going to be doing the taking. You could also suggest that your sibling takes your Dad home for a few weeks break.
However, you should be persuading your Dad to accept outside help ( cleaners taxis etc) otherwise you will gradually be doing more and more.
He can’t claim he is independent if it is you that is doing stuff for him and you should point that out.

I was coming on to ask if it was legitimate concerns like: don’t lift him out of the bath or some safety concerns.

can you do a little ‘that’s a great idea, you should definitely do that, I’ve got too much on already ha ha ha.’ End of conversation.

On the next helpful suggestion, I would be tempted to send a message spelling out exactly what you do and how long it takes e.g “I visit Dad most Mondays/Wednesdays/Sundays do his washing, take him shopping and sort his administration. This takes around 13 hours per week. I also take him to all his medical appointments which is generally another 5-6 hours over the course of the month.
I have no capacity to do any more and that includes days out with DF as I also need to spend time with my DH and DCs.”

I would send or state a version of that each and every time she makes a helpful suggestion. And watch out for yourself, carer burnout is horrible. Just because your DF doesn’t want others to do things doesn’t mean you should and things like gardening and cleaning should definitely be outsourced.

Totally agree with PP - tell them what you said here.

If you want control over how dad is cared for, care for him yourself. I'd be glad of the respite.

"Most of sibling's gifts to my dad also involve me doing something with him or taking him somewhere. I've already told sibling that I don't want them to do any more of these."

Oh, is this like, "I've bought two tickets for you and dad to go to the flower show. You'll need to pick him up at 9 am on Sunday and take the train. Don't worry, it's only a three-hour ride each way. If you get lunch there, I'll reimburse you for both lunches. You should be back by 7 pm, in plenty of time to see your kids before their bedtime."

Sort of like that?

A pox on your sibling for giving your parent a "gift" that's makes more work for you.

Do you think there’s an element of them staying away so they don’t have to face how dad is deteriorating. If they have seen him 2 days in 2026 they can’t know how he is.
It’s their gift they should take him to the afternoon tea/stately home/concert whatever they have booked. Same with Dad would enjoy going to x on Sunday say yes he would but you’ll need to come up to take him I’m busy. It will be nice for him to see you. I think just be absolutely crystal clear. If ever and guilt you he’s missing out it’s because of them not coming to take him not you.

Yes, pretty much like that. Though not quite so extreme.

I did actually put my foot down with regard to those!