AIBU to think that “mundane” stuff is actually an important part of childhood?

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Everyone is so busy and I read a lot on here about people trying to balance work and life and everything else. Specifically, when it comes to work and parenting, there seems to be a majority voice on MN that maintaining a career is vital for all sorts of reasons beyond the obvious immediate financial benefit. It’s often recommended to outsource as much as possible, including childcare.

I totally understand these views. I know that work is usually necessary and often important. I work full time and have young children.

But… I just can’t help thinking that some of the narrative is kind of stuff we tell ourselves to make ourselves feel better? Lots of what is referred to as “drudgery” is sort of their childhood? Those chats on the school run and an unhurried evening in the garden? Watching TV after school or fighting with a sibling.

The children I know seem to do loads and loads of clubs and activities and scheduled things. But very limited just not-doing-much time with family, compared to what I remember from when I was younger.

I don’t know. I’m not articulating it well. Maybe I’m being romantic and eaten by guilt. But I can’t help feeling that, if work wasn’t necessary, what would genuinely benefit my kids is just having a parent at home more, just to do the mundane stuff of day to day life together.

Am I being unreasonable? Probably.

I completely agree.

I work full time and we still spend a lot of time doing mundane stuff. I agree that it’s incredibly important - and frankly, I’d rather be sat on the sofa with DS watching some kids movie than ‘making memories’ at a theme park or whatever - but I don’t think it’s just the preserve of SAHM. We chat on the school run, potter around in the garden after school, watch too much TV etc.

Completely agree. The fabric of family life is those quiet (well, often noisy) moments, walking to school, playing a board game, talking about a TV programme. The more of that sort of stuff you do, the better, as far as I'm concerned.

Maybe I am not understanding, but all the events you listed are still part of a childhood (Chats or TV after school, evening in the garden, sibling fights).

They still happen whether or not the parents work full time and even parents who work full time will experience enough of them to feel they aren’t absent for their child’s entire childhood.

How does this become a narrative to make you feel better if you work full time?
How many chats after school, garden evenings and sibling fights do you as a parent personally feel a need to be there for?

How much do you think the children remember? Children will have memories that include their parents whether they worked full time or not. If you’re a good parent, these will be good memories.

I know parents are doing their best and what they think is right at the right time, but I do agree, the best gift we can give our children or anyone is time. I genuinely believe that children particularly younger ones do benefit from having a parent at home to do as you say mundane stuff. I read too often on here how many are struggling to cope with working, running a home and juggling childcare.

I think the things my children have enjoyed most this week are making jam thumbprint biscuits, playing limbo in the garden with an old broom, playing with marbles, and DD1 11yo reading a comic to DS 8yo.

Basically, nothing that you couldn't have done in the 70s!

Cleaning the house isn’t something kids care about much nor do they notice it being done.

ditto laundry and for the most part (exceptions like baking with them or make your own pizzas etc) cooking.

i outsourced cleaning and ironing.

worked for me.

Also frankly I needed some child free time just to sleep especially when they were very young,

Agree completely. I work 4 days but flexibly so DD is only at ASC once a week. The other 4 days she comes home and plays with her younger brother, small world play and making things out of shoeboxes, that kind of thing. Then they play in the bath. Then more play and stories upstairs before bed. Every Sunday we stay home and have roast dinner with grandparents over which they enjoy. Saturdays we usually do stuff but it’s things like taking buckets and spades to the local beach, going to the woods, things like that.

I try not to over schedule them and let them have plenty of time to be bored and use their imaginations. Sometimes I wonder if DD (6) is a bit young on account of this as she doesn’t know anything about KPop and seems to be missing all the trends as she doesn’t have a tablet/phone. But I still think it’s better for her.

Yes.

And the overwhelming majority of children have always had working parents. They don’t need to be hovered over 24/7 in order to have mundanity and ling chats.

I think millions of after school clubs each week are mad - tap dance on Monday, ballet on Tuesday, modern on Wednesday, judo on Thursday... breathe... oh Friday off! But then swimming on Saturday and collapse on Sunday. It doesn't create well-rounded kids, it creates knackered ones, who spend hardly any time at home with their parents when they are awake! I am sure lots of people will come on and pipe up about how their kids have begged them to be this busy... yeah right. We all need to time to decompress. To rest and relax - it's call wellbeing. And as for the mundane - any time I told my mum I was bored when I was young, she offered me a task like washing the car... suddenly I would pull out a book instead and get absorbed in that! We don't all need constant stimulation, we need quiet and thoughtful activities too. We need to be a bit more self-reliant and a bit calmer. Not always being entertained by others.

I agree the home life and spending time together daily is important. I don't think it always necessarily happens for parents working long hours. I used to have 2 long days with commutes and had to leave before the school run, and got back after they went to bed. I basically saw them sleeping. There were no evenings spent in the garden or making biscuits on those days. I have switched to a more flexible and local role and it allows me to do the pickups and drop-offs, and even when we go to after school activities, we have fun singing in the car and playing games while waiting. All of that mundane stuff is important and I've made conscious decisions about where to live, where to work and where dcs go to school in order to maximise it. We still do day trips and they love going to theme parks too, but we can fit in both kinds of family time, it doesn't have to be one or the other.

Yes you are right. They are the essence of a good childhood. When I remember mine, it’s the gentleness and predictability of my parents that I recall. Yes we had nice holidays and comfort, but chiefly we remember how our parents made us feel, and that’s true for everyone.

A good post.

I read something once that said a child will get more out of a parent chatting to them, and getting them to help, on an ordinary shopping trip than they would with some big ticket day out. It’s the quality of the time spent with a parent in a low stakes, mundane, ordinary environment that creates the bond, educates, and models values and behaviour.

YANBU. That’s still how I do things with my children, exactly like my mum did. Thank you for recognising what I am trying to achieve, appreciate it.

I agree with this post. Downtime and being at home is underrated. Just being without a structured activity is very beneficial.
The term 'juggling childcare' makes me picture children like hot potatoes where parents don't want to hold on to them for too long.

Also I should mention... the stuff that stands out for me is stupid, sweet stuff...

Going to get the Sunday papers in the car with my dad driving and me standing in the back seat, holding on to his headrest, as he weaved around twisty roads (no seatbelts then and we called it 'the Twisties!) And he would always stay in the car outside the shop and then make me take in the money to pay for it so I knew how to handle money and be polite to people by myself. I did this from about 6/7 years old. Then I got to do the Twisties again on the way back too!

Also helping him in the garden... or going to the car wash and getting the worst off the car bonnet with some grass beforehand (Chief Car Poo Wiper was my title!) because we lived rurally and had all manner of bird splatter adorning it!

My parents divorced when I was 10, remarried when I was 26 (to my chagrin, two people less suited I have never found, but heck it works for the pension I guess!) and my dad lived in Africa for 5 years. But even with the obstacles of him living in four different countries to me during those 16 years. I think the mundane times gave me a big bedrock with him. I never doubted he loved me, because if he did, he would never have made me the Chief Car Poo Wiper!

When he had emergency surgery last month I raced there and stayed with him. He texted me today and said: "Hello Light of My Life!" I don't think he was being sarcastic... love the bones of him, the very bones.

@Arlanymor I imagine you must be grinning away recalling the happy memories 😆

I think more divorced parents makes this worse to.
Poor lovely ex SIL never sees my DN. She works 9-5:30 like most people then picks him up from after school club, makes a really quick dinner and then it’s basically bedtime. My DB then has him weekends, which are full of activities as he’s the fun parent. DN never has any down time and is either rushed around or spoiled by his parents and no one is really to blame but he’s turning into a brat as a result!

As a child of the 60s/70s to a SAHP my life was quite mundane at times, but I remember fondly our trips to the supermarket with mum and gran. Sampling the bread fresh from the bakery and wanting to work the checkout when I grew up.

We walked the dog, did washing, and did loads of gardening (my mum had a huge garden with flowers, vegtables, fruit and chickens) plus just spending time playing inside and out. Being with friends in their houses and gardens or at the park. TV was only on for a short period in the afternoon. If clubs existed then we didn't do them.

For my DC 90s and early 00s I worked full time and they had a nanny share/childminder so no need for ASC. They did stay late to do things like netball, had swimming lessons. learnt to dance (at the weekend) and did Rainbows, Brownies and Guides.

Whilst we did fun things, days out and went on holiday, these were planned and spread out through the year. They also got plenty of days when we were just in the house doing the mundane stuff like DIY (they learnt to build flat pack furniture), gardening and housework.

It's about balance and I now see my SIL a working single parent tying herself in knots trying to give each of her 3 children everything they want (in terms of clubs, activities and experiences).

I will always remember the difference between my mum and MIL when it comes to helping look after the kids. My mum let them play in the garden, do messy craft, get out all the toys and anything else they wanted that could be done at her house.

MIL preferred structure and taking them places.

If I needed help with them and they got to choose they preferred the stay-at-home (my parents) and relax to the forced entertainment.

As they are now adults I can ask them to reflect on their childhood, and they are very happy with how it went.

Do we really think that today's kids are benefitting from all these days out, clubs and parent time.

Lol being a sahp is not "hovering over your kids 24/7." Own your own choices, don't be shitty about other people's.

I have fond memories of having to go round town on a Saturday morning, while my mum did all the bill paying and other life admin that’s now done online. No iPads or phones to keep
us occupied while she was in the queue.

I agree with you. There is too much curation and entertainment. My dc still have the sort of childhood that Dh and I had. They potter about the garden. They help us with gardening and looking after animals. They run off into the woods with friends and build dens and re-emerge a few hours later. They potter about in the river behind our house looking under rocks and going swimming. They come food shopping with me, or help Dh build stuff or fix a tractor. We do have days out occasionally, but not often. It’s just a lot of making your own fun and doing jobs that need doing.

As a child, I have really fond memories of my grandmother’s fortnightly trip to the hair salon to have her curlers set. And trips with them to do the weekly food shopping. Or being taken to go vote and go to the bank to deposit cheques. I remember that much more than holidays or days out. In fact, I almost always take a child with me to vote because I went from so young and it’s ingrained in me how important voting is from always being taken to do it from very little.

Agreed, as life is full of mundane stuff that just needs to be done. It can’t all be full on 10/10 excitement as it’ll only set kids up for disappointment.

There is also the argument that boredom drives creativity and imagination.

Agree, it is amazing going on holidays and days out, but sometimes it is the simple things in life that I remember well..
I have lovely memories of being a child in the 90s, long summers, hanging around the house, playing out in the street, going food shopping on a Saturday because the shops were closed Sundays, seeing grandparents on Sundays as this was a family visit day for most, with said shops being shut!
Having this time also allowed for imaginative play which is important!

Life is mainly mundane stuff, even if you end up in an exciting career. Unless you have staff you are still schlepping round a supermarket deciding on red or white onions or whatever.

Kids do far much scheduled stuff these days, mine were allowed one activity and that was it.

We have had a huge chuck out lately and I found part of a zoo that myself and the kids spent hours playing with that we made. DS is 25 and we had a laugh about it and how he made money to see the animals out of chocolate coin wrappers.