AIBU to worry I might regret not having another child?

[Mozerellaa]

So, I have been divorced for 4 years, met a lovely man last year who doesn’t have children. I am 36 he is 39. Will I always regret not giving him a child? I have a girl and boy 8 and 6 and never thought I would want anymore, am I being ridiculous?

YANBU it’s a fair consideration
have you spoken with him about what he wants? But most certainly, if you do have another child, make sure it is was you want and because the child is wanted, rather than relationship concerns

Would you regret having another child if he up & left?

I never thought I would want another but I know he would be very supportive with the child and it breaks my heart to think he won’t have that. My ex didn’t help at all but I am 100% convinced he wouldn’t be the same. The thought of us having a child together makes me feel happy and I love being a mum, I just wish I would have had more support from my ex as I would have probably had another otherwise.

Does he actually want one?

You need to have a sensible discussion about it as adults. Don't have a child that isn't actively wanted & planned by both parents.

This is it, it’s really hard on your own and don’t want to take that risk?

Also can you afford a third financially, and would that be the same if the relationship didn't last?

I think a lot of people think having a child together "cements" a relationship but it really doesn't.

Without marriage, absolutely not. You and your current are already vulnerable without bringing a pregnancy in a new relationship into the mix.

Yes. I think I agree with this

Presumably you thought your ex would make a good father at some point.

Yes, I don’t want to take that risk, he let me down massively

If he’s desperately wanting a dc, he will say. You should not see a child as a gift from you to him. It will hugely complicate things if you aren’t married to him.

He really wants one and constantly says he will be a good dad. I currently have the coil and am so scared of making the wrong decision like I did last time (although I wouldn’t change my children)

He has said but he believes he cannot get anybody pregnant due to he trying this far in life. I did say to him if the women had any sense they would have protected themselves

I have told him this time I would like to be married first

I think our relationship ship would still work regardless, I just don’t want any regrets

If he thinks he has fertility problems he can get that checked out. If he wants to be with you no matter what why not get married? Either way then it will be fine. If you only want to be married for the children's sake though I wouldn't be contemplating it. But yes you almost certainly will regret it if you stay together long term.

Make sure you get married first. Think carefully. A child does not cement a relationship as you already know, and you presumably thought your existing kids father was a good bet. Would you be ok with three kids to two different dads if it came to it (so potentially different financial arrangements, different parenting styles, you as a single parent)?

What i think.
You have one of each boy and girl they are at an age where things are getting a little easier with them.
Leave it at that.

I think you have to tell him that you HAVE to be married first before you agree to it. No that you would like - that you HAVE to be married. Although if you only met him last year it's very early to be talking marriage and another child anyway.

Starting again after 7 years is not easy.
It definitely makes like very very vulnerable for you and your two children.
You do not owe any man a child.
Two often women on MN do this and are left juggling.
Your children are getting to a great age, starting back again is not easy.
Even if you married, and things fell apart, how would YOU support and pay for childcare with the CM you might receive?

I think you owe it to your existing children to protect them and put them first.

I have told him I think I should be married first and he said he would marry me tomorrow?

yes. I just don’t want to have any regrets

Well that's just a glib saying, he can't literally marry you tomorrow. Make a plan for your future - do you live together already?

@Mozerellaa kindly - this just isn’t about you though is it? It’s about him and your other dc. It’s important to think of everything. Plus what a great life you could have!

Don’t do it, OP!

This is you just wanting to please a man. As you are now painfully aware, men, no matter how wonderful they seem at the outset, are very different creatures a few years down the line when they’re actually expected to do things and you’re not waiting on them hand and foot any more. Don’t go back into that life of domestic resentment. Don’t take on a risk for a man that frankly none of them would take on for you.

Plus it’s not fair to your kids to mess their lives around with half siblings and step parents.