AIBU to worry I might regret not having another child?

[Mozerellaa]

So, I have been divorced for 4 years, met a lovely man last year who doesn’t have children. I am 36 he is 39. Will I always regret not giving him a child? I have a girl and boy 8 and 6 and never thought I would want anymore, am I being ridiculous?

I think that "giving him a child" is a bit of an archaic way to look at it.
Do you want another baby? If so, discuss it.
If not, discuss that, too.

You have time then.
Have you a home you own?
Rent it out.
Move into his house for a year, then marry.
Give the marriage a full year, then try and get pregnant if you really want to.
By this point you will have some idea how he is with your children, how much he gives of himself and how supportive he is.
Only then should you consider having another child.
Better to regret not having a child IMO, than having a baby and regretting it and how it impacts your two older children.

Your first obligation is to your two older children, NOT your possible regrets.

The fact you're considering it is interesting. What does your dp think? Some children absolutely thrive without fathers in their lives, for whatever reason,death, divorce, whatever
Children become people in their own right, follow their own paths...not quite sure what I am getting at but people don't usually regret being born. Your elder dc can help a bit too, but wonderibg what your dp thinks

My husbands mum had 2 children by first husband (one being my husband) he left and she met another man who wanted children so she felt she had to have a child that was his...she even says now she wishes she hadn't as its not really what she wanted...not that she would chnage things, but a big age difference and she didnt really want 3 kids...and he dated her knowing she already had 2 kids so why did they need another

Perhaps because he wanted a biological child...men want kids too

Yes I understand that...but ultimately she didnt really want anymore kids and he got with her knowing that but then she kinds felt forced to have another...also when she was slightly older than she would have liked...

Firstly, you don't give a man a child.

Secondly, if he had really wanted a baby, he would have explored it much harder.

Thirdly, if you want my honest opinion, it's nothing the interests of your two existing kids and you need to put them first. Say ypu do have another and you and your boyfriend are together forever, you've immediately created differences because the little one will live with bio dad amd his/her life will be more settled than your existing kids. They've both had a dad and dad has moved out, a new man is moving in, they've had enough to deal with amd they are, effectively, a pair. Bring a third in and the new baby won't have the same shared upbringing.

Lastly, if you don't have a baby, the worst that happens is that you feel sad and regret it. If you do have a baby, then life os more complicated for everyone even if you feel happy.

What does a new child give you that your life is currently lacking?

He hasn't proposed though, has he? So it's just words.

If he wants children badly the sad reality is he will probably have them, just not with you.

After just a year , possibly not even that, I wouldn’t be keen on having a baby with someone that quickly especially when other children are involved. Yet time isn’t on your side.

If you’re madly head over heels in love and desperate to procreate with him then do it. If you’re not sure I think you’d be better to cut your losses now and focus on finding a partner who doesn’t want kids. You should never have children to appease somebody and if this guy ends up breaking up with you in two years cause you’ve not had a baby together and suddenly he wants one, it’ll hurt your children.

Infact he just sounds like bad news! I’d LTB

“Giving him a child”
How very ‘Handmaid’s Tale” 🤮
I hate that phrase.

I don't even know why so many mums who have already completed their family get with childless men. It always ends up with this kind of scenario hence all the blended families these days. Plenty of dads to date out there and you'd never have to worry about him not having his own child. If you really cared about that wouldn't you let him go and find someone more compatible?

My hunch is it's more about the OP wanting a do-over to get the perfect dad she didn't get for her other kids though.

The wedding is just one day, but living in the marriage is the part that really matters. If you were my sister, I would encourage you to wait before having a baby with someone you’ve only been with for a year.

You have lived experience of relationship that didnt work out and two children already, so it’s important to see how this relationship works through different seasons. If you’re not living together yet, you haven’t had the chance to experience the everyday realities that really show whether a partnership is solid.

As a man in his 40s, I admit I might be biased, but I think a lot about long‑term stability and financial security when it comes to having children.

"I just don't want to have any regrets".

Life necessarily involves having some regrets. We make choices that we regret or things we don't control happen than we regret.

You can also choose where you allow yourself to have regrets and then move on from it.

You had children with a rubbish partner/father but you don't regret that despite that being a far more consequential poor outcome for them and you than not having a child with this man would be.

Also, saying he doesn't think he can get a woman pregnant because he hasn't so far is a HUGE red flag.
Why was he having entirely unprotected sex with women that it doesn't sound like he was in a long term relationship where both parties had made a choice to try and have children? You say you pointed out to him that they might have been taking precautions themselves - how does he not know if they were or weren't taking contraception? If you are deliberately trying to have children that is the sort of thing you would know.

Here are the many, many reasons that you could regret having a further child. You might feel squeamish about the concept of regretting a child but many people do. It's just hard to say
For example:
Your existing children have less of your time and energy because you have a new baby and a man who doesn't very little at home, you have less money for your existing children, you can't take your existing children to activities or interests or holidays due to lack of money and complicated logistics, your existing children feel unfairly treated or left out by the partner or his wider family, he parents the children in a way they or you don't like, the new child has a disability or additional needs that compounds the situation.

Why aren't you worried about these potential regrets? They are far more consequential to your life and children's wellbeing.

I suspect because you would quite like a child and also would feel its a way of tying this man to you longer term?

We all have some regrets.

How long have you been dating?

“I know he would be very supportive with the child”. You don’t know that.

Also, what might he be like as a stepfather? That matters even more.

If by saying that his past girlfriends/partners ‘should have protected themselves’, you mean he ttc in relationships that weren’t longstanding, or pushed for DC before marriage, that’s a red flag.

How might it affect your DC? Your personal ability to work?

If you decide you to want DC3, for his sake, and he’s offering marriage first, would you ttc but not, for example, undergo IVF?

With children that age and a new man, I think it would be best not to have another child. If things went wrong (he leaves you or child has high needs) your life would be a whole lot more complex and you wouldn't be able to prioritise your existing children as much as you can now, not to mention the increasing freedom you will have as the children get older.

Plus in my view, you haven't known him long enough to either marry or have a child with him.

You would be having DC3 to please your boyfriend and try and keep this relationship. Understandable, but risky for you and your DC.

Setting aside risks to do with him, and assuming DC have no significant additional needs, there is stuff like:

your ability to do paid work.
Splitting your resources between 3.
Being a single parent of 3.
A third more parenting and domestic work
Sibling issues between the DC.
Costs.
Financial problems.

Because marriage would mean her assets would go to him at death and not her children.

The worst kind of regret would be having another child then realising you've made a mistake. Its a risky stance making decisions based on whether you might regret NOT doing something -that's not a strong argument. It has to be 100% the right thing for you and the children you already have.

It sounds like a third child would not benefit you or your two children. The only person who wants a child is your boyfriend and you know you’ll do the bulk of the childcare and your older children would get less attention at a time they need it (teen years are hard and they’ll be close to that if you had a third). Don’t have another child and don’t get married. Put your two children first.

Actually I've just re read your post. You've only known this man since last year. Seriously dont rush into this. You've got time. I would find it a huge red flag that he is pushing for this so soon into the relationship. Tell him a flat no, stick to it and see how he reacts - his response could be very telling.

I understand that it is nice to enable someone to 'be a dad'. But that's for his benefit not yours. To be frank, he can be a dad to your two kids if you are planning to stay together. Feels like you are thinking about his desires, not your own. Put yourself first.

You met him last year, calm down. A third child is not in the best interests of your children right now: I’m not against blended families - my family is blended, I have a child and a step child - but you’ve known him 18 months at a push!

But she actually says ' the thought of having a child with him makes her very happy', and her post asks will she regret not having another. So I'm not sure how clear it was to her dp that she didn't want children. I have a close friend whose partner left because she eouldn't have a child with him, she has 2 older ones. She is so, so sad. He is married with 2 children now and very happy