AIBU to think I was being groomed?

[Candlemass]

Hi, A longtime poster but name changed for this. AIBU to think that I was groomed. This all happened a long time ago but it plays on my mind a lot recently. When I was 16 I had sex /affair with a married man. He and his wife were friends of my parents ( although they were quite a bit younger than them) The man in question started noticing me and complementing me when I was about 15. I had a Saturday job in the place he worked,so I would see him there as well as babysitting his 2 young children, he would pay me a lot of attention and I was young enough and silly enough to be flattered. I thought I was in love with him. His wife was a lovely person who was very kind to me ( by this time my mum was dying of cancer) He also slept with other women too. Sometimes he was very verbally nasty to me , but I kept crawling back. I still feel guilty, he is long dead and his wife left him due to his drinking and eventual DV. She was so sweet and kind to me and trusted me with her children and that is how I repaid her by sleeping with her husband. After a year or two I started avoiding him and got a boyfriend of my own age. I am in my 60s now. It did not occur to me that I could have been groomed as that really wasn't a thing in those days, think 'Rita ,Sue and Bob too!' but now I think I might have been. What do you think?

Of course you were. I'm sorry this happened to you.

Yes you were. He took advantage of being young and vulnerable with your mum being so poorly. You were a victim so please don’t feel guilty. You were a child.

Yes you were groomed. This was a grown man taking advantage of a young vulnerable child whose parent was dying!

I’m really sorry you went through this and I hope you haven’t carried any guilt towards the wife seeing as you knew her too.

He was not a good person and you were very young. Please don't blame yourself.

Yes you were groomed, 16 is still a child and he took advantage of you. I'm so sorry that happened to you. Please don't feel guilty about his wife, he was the one in the wrong, not you.

Do not feel guilty. The shame is all on this man who totally took advantage of you and groomed you as a child.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I was prepared for being slated for this. I never saw myself as a victim of grooming until it slowly started dawning on me a few years ago. I want to forgive the young me. However I feel disgust and anger at this so called 'friend' of my parents.I think I needed to hear others's opinions , instead of endlessly going over it my head . So far your replies have been a comfort to me. Thank you again.

Yes you were definitely groomed. He saw an opportunity and took advantage of you. Your mother was dying and you were extremely vulnerable. He had played many women as you have stated. Please do not blame yourself you are definitely not to blame you were still a child and in a very vulnerable situation. He is the sicko. Please forgive yourself and be kind to yourself and nurture yourself.

Yes you were groomed. You were very young and emotionally vulnerable, he was a vile piece of work and he took advantage of you at a very difficult time in your life. He’s left you feeling years of guilt about a situation where you were manipulated when you should have been supported. They were family friends and they must have known how difficult things were for you. What a breach of trust.

Can you look at it as lucky escape? Well done leaving the situation and moving on with your life.

Do you have children? Imagine if it were your daughter aged 15. Would you hold her responsible or protect her from this man? You were that girl, be kind to yourself. You were entirely innocent of blame here. What makes it even worse was that you were going through the most painful bereavement a child can suffer. He truly was an evil man. If I were his wife I would only feel deep concern and pity for you for the situation my husband had put you, a child, into here.

Yes you were groomed.

You could seek counselling or confide in a trusted friend or sibling.

If not try writing it all down and burning it. Then write it down again. You may find writing and rewriting many times helps you process what happened.

Yep. Same happened to me. It’s one good thing about the internet. Kids these days are alert to this stuff. I only had Jackie magazine to resort to for relationships stuff.
Not your fault. Hope he had a miserable life and his poor wife found her peace.

He should have known better, he was older than you, at 15/16 yes you might fancy people etc but you’re still figuring things out and how and why to make choices about your life, which is why grown men should stay away from 16 year olds! You were also going through a an extremely difficult time!

If I found out my husband did this I would 100% blame him and not the girl at all. Please don’t blame yourself x

He knew what he was doing
Yourself op didn't know what you were doing.
Definitely groomed and I wouldn't think you were the first or last.💐

Don't beat yourself up. You were a young, vulnerable child who's mum was dying.
He knew full well what he was doing.
This is all on him. The wife, I am sure, would absolutely blame him and not you. You were literally a kid.

Not a nice guy and he definitely took advantage of you for sure.
Not sure this is actual grooming, though.

Honest opinion.

How many years older than you was he?
You say he was a lot younger than your parents.

He took advantage of a very vulnerable young girl. He should have known better. I t is very understandable that you fell into his trap. Forgive yourself and let it go.

Sorry- I pressed the vote button and voted YABU and I can’t change it!
YANBU, you were groomed. I’m so sorry this happened to you. You are so right, there was no awareness of this back it the day, but now there is more awareness and this has led to you seeing it differently. You were young and vulnerable and he took advantage.

You were a child. He was a monster. You were a victim. He was an abuser. There is nothing to forgive yourself for.

Yes the mention of Jackie magazine made me smile. In my case it was Blue Jeans magazine and they were full of photo stories and not much content about much beyond lip gloss and acne. Where would we know about the concept of “ grooming” from? I don’t think you are responsible for anything then and you need to find a way to forgive yourself.

I have 15 & 17 yo daughters. If this happened to them, I would be furious with the man, not with them.

This. None of it was your fault.

It's true that all (male) groomers are horrible men.
I'm not sure that all horrible men are groomers.

I'm not making light of this. He clearly took advantage of your attraction to him (though if you're going to say he was 25, then the degree of advantage will most definitely be less than say if he were 40) and yes he absolutely sounds like a nasty piece of work.

The term grooming, however, seems to suggest that there was a plan to his actions.
And I'm not sure about that.
He could have just been an opportunistic prick.

Should this make a difference to how you should feel? It's not for me to say.

I am mid - 50s. I grew up with a really good friend whose parents ran a pub. The male locals groomed my friend and her other friend in similar ways (babysitters, given Saturday jobs etc) and they both were abused by (“had affairs with ”) these married men in their 20s/30s. They left me alone, I think because my mum worked there and my dad was a local too , but the fact they all knew my friend’s parents didn’t stop them. I think that, at the time, it wasn’t that taboo for older men to go for teens and the culture of the time encouraged it. As you say there was Rita, Sue & Bob too, Benny Hill, constant jokes and references to schoolgirls, Page 3 countdowns etc. makes me 🤮to think about how much we were sexualised. Absolutely not your fault and all on him. Sounds like an absolute wrong ‘un through and through.