AIBU to think I was being groomed?

[Candlemass]

Hi, A longtime poster but name changed for this. AIBU to think that I was groomed. This all happened a long time ago but it plays on my mind a lot recently. When I was 16 I had sex /affair with a married man. He and his wife were friends of my parents ( although they were quite a bit younger than them) The man in question started noticing me and complementing me when I was about 15. I had a Saturday job in the place he worked,so I would see him there as well as babysitting his 2 young children, he would pay me a lot of attention and I was young enough and silly enough to be flattered. I thought I was in love with him. His wife was a lovely person who was very kind to me ( by this time my mum was dying of cancer) He also slept with other women too. Sometimes he was very verbally nasty to me , but I kept crawling back. I still feel guilty, he is long dead and his wife left him due to his drinking and eventual DV. She was so sweet and kind to me and trusted me with her children and that is how I repaid her by sleeping with her husband. After a year or two I started avoiding him and got a boyfriend of my own age. I am in my 60s now. It did not occur to me that I could have been groomed as that really wasn't a thing in those days, think 'Rita ,Sue and Bob too!' but now I think I might have been. What do you think?

Thank you all again for your replies. I am in tears, but they are good tears if you know what I mean. I have held onto this for a long time. I agree ',Jackie' and 'Blue Jeans' didn't give much advice on predatory men! I think he had certainly planned this as his attention and remarks started when I was 15, but he didn't make a move until about a week after my 16 th birthday. He was 30. My mother died a few weeks after that. I don't think my parents had any idea, I don't think his wife did either, he was abusive to her too although I didn't really realise at the time. He came across as charming.

He sounds like one of those predatory men who strategically selects his targets when they are particularly vulnerable. You were young, and you were losing your mum at such a raw and vulnerable age. The perfect target. I’m so sorry that he did this to you and so sorry about the loss of your mum. That must have been so hard.

Yes 100% you were. I’m sorry this happened to you. There wasn’t so much awareness about this sort of thing back then and men would get away with things that would be unacceptable today. Don’t feel guilty, he is the one who did wrong.

A lot of men like this just cast a wide net, pay every female they are attracted to compliments and attention and see where it leads them.
I've seen men in clubs do this. They literally just go around the room approaching every female until one responds.

He waited until you were 16 as he didn't want to break the law.
(Legal is different from Morality., BTW. I still think he's a shit.)

Obviously you're right to be upset about this but maybe it would help if you separated out the elements of why you're upset.

I totally agree that he took advantage of a significantly younger girl (turns out he wasn't like 21) who was at a low ebb, and, yes, he sounds like a nasty piece of work.
No argument about that! That, to me, is an absolute given.

You use the word grooming, though, which is a very specific term.

Is the fact that you think he sort of had some sort of a masterplan particularly upsetting because as I said in my first sentence, I'm not sure that he did.

Again I only say this as you used the word grooming, I mean if you said was I taken advantage of by a predatory older man who turned out to he a piece of shit when I was at a low ebb? the answer would just be, absolutely you were.

💐 yes, I’m so sorry. It wasn’t your fault - what a devious, predatory man. It happened to me too. I suspect there’s way too many of us! The trauma of it returned when my own daughter was growing. I saw it all so clearly then. I found it helpful to go to group counselling for survivors. X