Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To just want to look forward to our holiday together?

63 replies

balroymum · 20/05/2026 20:59

We have 18 nights booked in California in July, me, husband and teen daughter. We decided together almost a year ago now that we wanted to do this instead of our usual beach holiday. It's all booked now and I am really looking forward to it. We've been before about 20 years ago and we loved it.

Husband has seemed pretty indifferent about it for the last few weeks and just not really talking about it. He's said tonight though that he's just not looking forward to it. I'm upset because it makes me sad not to be able to enjoy this with him. I also feel a bit angry as he's making me feel like I pushed it with him. It didn't feel like that when we were planning it but then sometimes I feel like we would never do anything if I didn't get the ball rolling. His reasons are that it won't be very relaxing ect. For context, we are not moving about too much, at least 4 nights in each place and not doing loads of theme park days.
It is anexpensive holiday and we have had to save hard but he's still had 5 nights away abroad with his friends. We can afford it.

Am I being unreasonable to feel sad/cross that he is sucking the enjoyment out if this? Should I be putting more effort into reassuring him/convincing him we will have fun? I just can't seem to do it ....

OP posts:

Original poster

balroymum · 20/05/2026 22:07

Fingers crossed for a transformation on check in! And it's the second one - just not bringing it up.

OP posts:

Sidebeforeself · 20/05/2026 22:11

Stop trying to control how he feels. You keep saying that you want him to feel a certain way etc. The more you do this the more you’ll put him off. Can’t you just accept you get excited by different things? It’s not as if he’s said he’s dreading it and doesn’t want to go.

Original poster

balroymum · 20/05/2026 22:20

I don't think I should accept that he is being miserable about something that he said he wanted to do. But yes, I think I will have to. I'm not happy about it though! And I'm not going to stop wanting to have amazing experiences. I'd rather do this with him, and I will do things that aren't my favourite because they're important to him. And honestly, I don't always enjoy every day of our usual beach holidays but hey ho. I don't sulk about it. And, he has had 5 nights with his pals on the beach!

OP posts:

RockinCara · 20/05/2026 22:25

If push comes to shove he can always stay at the hotel pool while you and your child enjoy yourselves somewhere for the day. It will still be a sunny holiday.

Sartre · 20/05/2026 22:27

Aw, I hope it’s some sort of anxiety and he grows to enjoy it when you’re actually there! I bet you’ll have a fabulous time.

Vartden · 20/05/2026 22:30

You don't have to feel responsible for his enjoyment and happiness. Hes responsible for that. Took me years of holidays when I was always checking in on my husband to see if he was having a good time. Honestly why? He was a grown man and we always agreed where to go together. They just like to moan I think!

DogAnxiety · 20/05/2026 22:32

I would have no time for this at all.

It’s fine to not revel at the idea of a holiday of this type. If you’re a grown up you discuss this at the planning stages.

What’s not fine is being such a wet drip you never instigate the planning of a holiday, and leave it all to the default parent, and then piss on their chips just before it happens. That is really a dick move.

Also, as to getting him enthused - oh god no. That is definitely not your job. Ask yourself when he last felt responsible for your feelings and making sure you were having a good time.

jackstini · 20/05/2026 22:39

What’s your itinerary?

I can’t imagine there’s no beach time on a California trip, so focus on that part for him

DH & I are different holiday personalities so I get this; usually fine once we are there!

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 20/05/2026 22:41

We had the most amazing holiday in California. Leave him to be miserable. I think I’d say, well, it’s a shame you’re not looking forward to it, but I hope you’re not going to be miserable and spoil what is an exciting and expensive holiday for the rest of us. If you want to duck out of some of the activities and sightseeing you’re welcome to do so.

it can be a really busy holiday - depending on where you’re going etc. But we had a really good mix of city, country, coast, beach, which gave us a good variety of exploring, hiking, sightseeing, wine tasting, hanging out by the pool/beach, theme parks. Something for everyone, and we built in some chill time. I’d love to go back.

Original poster

balroymum · 20/05/2026 22:46

That's true Vardten.. I'm going to back of. If he's grumpy/short with DD then I'll speak to him.out of ear shot but otherwise, I'll leave him be.

OP posts:

Itsnotfunbeingobtuse · 20/05/2026 23:30

I love the excitement of finding a holiday and booking it. Then months of nothing until the hatred of getting ready and packing for it sets in. Then pure bliss when I’m on that plane and love every second I’m away.

I’m pretty sure if your DH was excited when you were booking it, he’ll be excited again once on the plane. Just maybe nothing until then but that’s okay.

VividPinkTraybake · 21/05/2026 00:50

JacknDiane · 20/05/2026 21:08

Jesus id give my right hand for this holiday, he really needs a boot up the arse.

What a horrible attitude based on a few lines.

O.p enjoy the enjoyment you get from the build up, don't try and force anything and I guarantee it will be a better holiday than if you "boot him up the arse...."

VividPinkTraybake · 21/05/2026 00:52

balroymum · 20/05/2026 22:20

This doesn't sound like a healthy attitude tbh. You don't get to "accept" wether someone is miserable or not

Eenameenadeeka · 21/05/2026 02:11

He's entitled to his feelings, it's okay if he's feeling a bit stressed about it. You aren't responsible for his feelings, and you don't have to work to make him excited about it or anything like that. I get that it's a bit annoying because you want him to also be excited but he's allowed to have his own feelings. Maybe talk about it with your daughter instead of him and hopefully once it's actually happening he will be more relaxed.

unsync · 21/05/2026 05:59

You are not responsible for his emotions and cannot control them. You are responsible for your own and can control your reaction to his behaviour.

If he's not looking forward to it, that's on him. He could have talked about beaches during planning, California is, after all, famous for them. He didn't, so he needs to suck it up, although telling him this might not improve matters.

Let it go or it will suck the joy out of everything and spoil it. You can choose to not let it affect you.

Bananas85 · 21/05/2026 06:05

I wouldn't worry too much, my DH is never excited about holidays, especially if its a new place but always loves them when we're there. I think part of it for him is not knowing how it will be, not looking forward to the airport situation and the unfamiliar. I just get excited myself and I know he will enjoy it. Interestingly we've booked to go to Disney World this year and he's very excited because we've been before so he knows exactly what to expect :)

sittingonabeach · 21/05/2026 06:16

Where did he go with his mates, what did they do?

Original poster

balroymum · 21/05/2026 07:10

Thanks everyone. Good to get a range of perspectives. If he brings it up again I am going to say that bit about how he can sit sone bits out if that's what he wants to do. He does worry about the unknown and stresses quiet easily I think sometimes about things so perhaps it's that, and once he is on that plane and in the nice hotels we've booked he'll enjoy it. If not, me and the teen daughter can easily uber around for the day.

Good too to hear from people who have had a similar holiday. Perhaps I can share my excitement here instead?!

Our itinerary is:

6 nights in Burbank - half day Warer Bros, 1 day Disney, 1 day Universal. Rest is free for pool, beaches, shopping (he does like shopping!!) and sightseeing.

Drive to San Francisco for 4 nights - nice hotel near the pier. Apart from Alcatraz, no set trips.

Fly to San Diego for 4 nights - nice hotel with views of the bay. Nothing specific planned other than the zoo which is his idea.

Uber to Huntington Beach - 4 nights - ocean view room. Zero plans!

This has helped actually .... There's plenty of chill time there isn't there?!

For info his lad's break was of the bars/beach/pool type.

OP posts:

sugarandcyanide · 21/05/2026 07:19

Have you ever done anything like this before? Maybe he's just a bit apprehensive about doing something different. I wouldn't let it spoil your excitement!

I've had holidays that I wasn't really looking forward to before and I've enjoyed them more than some of the others we've done.

We did a road trip through California, I loved it! You have lots of beach locations in there anyway so if he misses his beach he can have a day or two on the beach.

Original poster

balroymum · 21/05/2026 07:20

We did it twice about 20 years ago when we were much younger!

OP posts:

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 21/05/2026 07:25

Honestly, some people want shared feelings and are influenced by the mood of others. They work at mutual enjoyment, and protect others from their negative feelings. This is you. Working to create a positive atmosphere for your family holiday.

Others are impervious to how others feel and make no effort to help others feel better or protect others from their own negative feelings.

This is your husband. He doesn’t see the issue with being negative because he doesn’t really notice and isn’t influenced by other people’s feelings.

Totally unexpectedly, perhaps, in my experience most people in the first category are women, most people in the second category are men. Are we socialised into carrying everyone else’s feelings as well as our own? Maybe. Can we stop it… quite probably. I’ve done it with DH. He brought me down for years. Now I leave him to be a miseryguts in peace!

MyLimeGuide · 21/05/2026 07:29

He is being a bit childish OP. Channel your inner self and don't let it get to you! Im sooooooo jealous BTW!

Jellycatspyjamas · 21/05/2026 07:31

I love holidays but I do get anxious in the run up to them. It’s a completely subconscious thing, I couldn’t tell you what I’m anxious about but I have to work very hard not to spoil the build up for DH and DC. Literally once I’m in the car heading to wherever I’m absolutely fine, excited and I enjoy every part of - including the airport.

If you were to speak to me 6 weeks out you think I was planning a prison stay.

I’d leave him to it, it’s not his preferred type of holiday - after 20 years surely you know this - so he’s not going to be as excited as you are. I think it’s very open of him to say he’s not looking forward to it - that doesn’t mean you need to look after his feelings or tone down your own excitement. Just do your planning and organisation and enjoy.

Marycontrarygarden · 21/05/2026 07:31

balroymum · 20/05/2026 21:53

Maybe I do need to just leave him be. Should have read that bit 5 minutes ago! I've just asked him what exactly he's not looking forward to and he said, "That it's not a beach holiday." When I said what is it about a beach holiday that you look forward to more he said, "Sitting, relaxing, going out for meals on the evening." He says that this holiday sounds like "a lot" and "looking round cities." I've listened without comment or judgement and tried to reassure him that we will have those holidays again, just something different this year. He's just basically saying that's how he feels and he can't help it. I've said that he had the opportunity way back to say he didn't fancy it but being as he said nothing, he's going to have to do a better job of pretending he's not miserable about it. He's now sulking and petulant and honestly, I am furious! He is acting like a spoilt, grumpy child.

That would piss me right off. Tell him to grow up and get excited for your daughter, what a child!

tanstaafl · 21/05/2026 07:58

Not the point of your post OP but having just read the post about the family (not) going to Albania because of a cock up with passport validity , have you checked your passports, got the ESTA/ETSA , got the travel insurance sorted?

Flip

1 2 3