AIBU to think baby advice online is making new parenthood harder?

[JustMeBT]

Not the sleep. Fine, yes, I knew about the sleep. I did not know I'd be functioning on four hours and somehow still finding the energy to watch my 47th TikTok about whether I'm holding my baby wrong.

Someone should hand you a leaflet at the hospital. Not about feeding schedules. About the internet. Specifically: how to avoid disappearing into it at 2am and emerging forty-five minutes later feeling worse, more confused, and somehow subscribed to three people selling baby courses you definitely can't afford.

Every time I go looking for a straight answer I end up with 14 tabs open, three conflicting opinions, an influencer whose baby sleeps 12 hours and eats organic everything (she's very humble about it), and someone trying to get me into their Patreon. Google says everything is normal. Instagram says everything could be better. My brain, which has the current processing power of a slightly damp flannel, cannot work out who to believe.

I just want somewhere I can ask a genuine question and get a genuine answer. No agenda. No followers to gain. No algorithm deciding I need a £200 white noise machine.

Has anyone actually found that corner of the internet? Or is it just... this? (Which, to be clear, Mumsnet has saved me more than once. You lot are the only reason I know what a wonder week is and also that I am not, in fact, broken.)

Congratulations op and yes, I’d say mn and people you know!!

I work in Perinatal MH and I always tell mums to just stick to the "official" guidance.

On our area, that's the NHS Health for U5s website and our HV helpline and text service if you want to ask a specific question to a real person. Or sometimes, I will recommend evidence based organisations like Lullaby Trust etc (but even then the recommendation is coming via the NHS ie. me)

All the rest you have no idea if it's true, accurate, real etc so just ignore it.

There's plenty of crap advice on MN tbh so I wouldn't even trust here! 😆

Well obviously avoid social media bullshit, that goes without saying… People are full of crap on there, they’ll say anything to sell you something or get you to click because they get £££ from it. Parenting is hard and doesn’t come with a guidebook, a lot of it is just a case of winging it and trying to survive.

Unfortunately there's a lot of one upmanship in online advice. Lots of insecure parents wanting to feel their way is the gold standard. Mumsnet is better than some sources but isn't immune either, you have to view advice through a common sense lens and listen to the middle ground posters. You will always get posters who (for example) swear you're cold if you don't co sleep for the first three years and others who will tell you your baby is spoiled of they're not sleeping independently the day they turn 6 months. The common sense is somewhere in the middle.

Also Chat gpt is good these days.

NCT whatsapp group - we were all figuring it out as we went along and sharing tips from being right in it... not looking back with patchy memories!

You'll drive yourself mad if you try to read every flavour of opinion on the internet. They're mostly wrong

Bloody 'Wonder Weeks' was the bane of my existence as a new mum.

Your OP made me grin (I like the way you write).

I do know what you mean, and it isn't just baby advice. I found online fertility stuff just as bad.

I think, though, it's so much better to have it than not, on the whole. My mum talks about how lonely and scary it was when you had a sick baby at 3am, and I think it's wonderful you can start a thread and at least people will be replying to you and trying to help.

Wonder weeks is such a load of bollocks. There were new mums crawling out their slims with anxiety about the upcoming "storm phase" and asking why their babies weren't easy on the "sunshine phases" while other mums whipped up hysteria with "already in our stormy phase here and it is hell!" In my due date group on Facebook with crying.and.melting.face emojis. Most of the doom and gloom they forecast never came to fruition, they were just whipping eachother up into a frenzy for no reason at all, babies are easy some days and difficult others! There's no reason to it! If I ever hear someone wanting on about "developmental leaps" again in my life it will be too soon! Delete the app and just enjoy your baby.

100% true. I’m currently on baby number 2 and the clarity it has gave me around raising a baby is enormous. With baby number 1 (who was a terrible sleeper, Velcro baby) I used to watch tik toks of mums having “everything showers” while the baby napped in their cot and I’d feel like I was doing something wrong. But the top and bottom of it is you get the baby you get and there’s very little you can do. You have to adapt around them and their temperament.

Do you have a mum, sisters, trusted friends?

It made me feel a bit sad when a new dad in our office who deliberately kept his parents and in-laws at arm's length couldn't wait to tell us about this amazing thing he'd seen on social media - the shush and pat method! It made me sad because that came naturally to us from observing my mum, grandmother and aunties with other family babies.

Healthforunder5s.co.uk
NHS websites
BASIS (for normal infant sleep development)
First Steps Nutrition Trust
Information pages in your red book
Orcha App Library (apps which have been reviewed and approved by medical professionals)

Your local Health Visiting Duty telephone/text service
Children/Family hubs

Avoid social media advice. It’s fine for entertainment but it’s not for actual information. Take everything with a HUGE pinch of salt, and remember that everything you see is curated and filtered. It’s not what people’s lives really look like. Block TikTok and Instagram overnight - no good has ever come from 3am sleep-deprivation night feed doom scrolling.

There no evidence to support wonder weeks.

Yes babies have episodes of rapid development, and yes they can be fussy at these times but no two babies will experience these on the same schedule.

I’m so old I just had my Penelope Leach book, a health visitor and a few mums via NCT. Then common sense. Too much delving is not needed. Being a mum is a natural thing to accomplish and why it’s so complicated is beyond me!

My NCT leader suggested picking just a couple of sources for advice to avoid being overwhelmed. Plus, sticking to sensible sources like NHS choices, first steps nutrition, lullaby trust, Tommy's etc. I found that really helpful as you know you can trust your sources and you can look at say 2 or 3 so you feel you've researched it, without going down a massive rabbit hole.

I found instagram most useful for the emotional side of things, rather than practical advice.

I came here to say the same! It's just a money making and anxiety inducing app.

stick to organisations which are evidenced based - NHS, Lullaby Trust, etc, people you actually know, and your instinct? For sleep, I like Possums Org in Australia.

Oh YANBU at all.
Life was much simpler without ten tons of advice.

I never researched anything! We didn’t have the internet! Did dc suffer? Of course not. There’s just no need for all these deep dives! It’s just ridiculous. Get a good sensible book and the nhs. Most babies thrive without advice from 20 sources or even 5! Not needed at all.

NHS website with photos of rashes was a godsend!

However, no NHS source or "sensible book" told me about a breastfeeding condition I suffered with all my DC. I was so so grateful to find the research online to feel I wasn't alone, wasnt going crazy or wasn't bad at feeding. So yes, I would have suffered without it.

I may be called ridiculous for this, but researching stuff outside of the 'normal' experience is hugely beneficial to some people.

@VintedQ Heath visitors have info. Googling like mad is a black rabbit hole and a first port of call is always the NHS.

First rule... babies cant read the parenting booms/websites.

The best advice I had from a nurse was not to bother with books and go on my instinct. I think the same can apply to social media now. I did use mumsnet but it was more helpful then 😉

Personally I’ve found internet advice and solidarity during pregnancy and parenting useful, especially on Reddit. Far more helpful than the health visiting service who have been useless in my experience, unless I wanted to know the weight of my baby. I wouldn’t blindly trust anyone’s advice online, but given the health visitor told me to night wean my nine month old, and another friend was told that her baby was a big baby so should be weaning at four months, I wouldn’t exactly trust them either.

Tiktok is not going to give you a reliable answer no matter what the subject, but certainly not baby care.

@Handeyethingyowl Does instinct tell you about safe sleeping and starting foods? If you haven’t done it, asking your mum might be better than instinct.