AIBU to think baby advice online is making new parenthood harder?

[JustMeBT]

Not the sleep. Fine, yes, I knew about the sleep. I did not know I'd be functioning on four hours and somehow still finding the energy to watch my 47th TikTok about whether I'm holding my baby wrong.

Someone should hand you a leaflet at the hospital. Not about feeding schedules. About the internet. Specifically: how to avoid disappearing into it at 2am and emerging forty-five minutes later feeling worse, more confused, and somehow subscribed to three people selling baby courses you definitely can't afford.

Every time I go looking for a straight answer I end up with 14 tabs open, three conflicting opinions, an influencer whose baby sleeps 12 hours and eats organic everything (she's very humble about it), and someone trying to get me into their Patreon. Google says everything is normal. Instagram says everything could be better. My brain, which has the current processing power of a slightly damp flannel, cannot work out who to believe.

I just want somewhere I can ask a genuine question and get a genuine answer. No agenda. No followers to gain. No algorithm deciding I need a £200 white noise machine.

Has anyone actually found that corner of the internet? Or is it just... this? (Which, to be clear, Mumsnet has saved me more than once. You lot are the only reason I know what a wonder week is and also that I am not, in fact, broken.)

A health visitor is the last person I would trust for advice on out-of-the-way conditions. I don't think they're remotely equipped.

NHS can be wonderful, but sometimes peer advice is genuinely more helpful (so long as you are sensible about how you treat it).

Google is a mine field, but I don't know how my mum did it without instant access to scientific papers. I know that I'm lucky to be trained to read them, but they saved my sanity because it meant I could actually go to the proper medical research if I had doubts about what a health visitor was telling me. Sometimes they were right, sometimes there simply wasn't any evidence for what they were telling me and then I trusted my gut

I’m a health visitor. And goodness I don’t know it all. But I can email a physio/OT/the CDC/a paediatrician/a dietician/a social worker etc. And ask for advice. We’re a good gateway if nothing else.

Sorry, I feel rude now - I didn't think!

I know you can; I think it's good to have all kinds of support including a HV.

But I think online advice has a really valuable place. When it's 3am and you aren't sure whether you're seeing something normal or worrying, it can be good to be able to find other parents online to chat to. And when you worry you're slipping through the cracks because the HV (or the NHS!) don't think there's a problem but your gut tells you there is, it's good too.

I'm not suggesting sitting doom scrolling through things or credulously taking every bit of advice from random internet sites as gospel. But there is good stuff out there, too.

Errrm, I'm not going help here by saying Wonder Weeks are bollocks astrology for babies. I had to grit my teeth when friends were remarking on how little Timmy was doing so well in spite of his wonder week, whilst Jasmine must have her wonder week early because she was fussing. None of them noticing that they were constantly making excuses for why the ww was wrong...

I found that appending "Mumsnet" to most searches tended to land me on a useful thread or two. I discounted the advice that sounded too cruel or way out of line with general medical advice. Found one good sleep website and stuck with it (Taking Cara Babies for me).

But it helps if you're not a SM addict to start with.

I didn't even know it was a condition until I googled it. 10 years later I have found some NHS Trust websites have info on it, but without knowing what it was and that it existed, I would not have known.

The idea that my health visitor would have ever volunteered this in a million years is laughable!

"Instinct" depends on your background knowledge, as well.
You see so many people dismiss things as "common sense" that they have learnt from somewhere and assume everyone else has, or have experienced advice-givers on hand.

Some rashes look awful but are harmless; some terrible illnesses have innocuous-seeming symptoms.

Don’t look at that stuff! We had a book called Your Baby Week By Week which was great. Otherwise I asked my mum friends. If you must use your phone, read books on Kindle/Libby/BorrowBox, but stop scrolling.

Yes when I had dd there was no google. I bought a book and asked my mum.
when I had DS 15 years later I was constantly googling is it normal when…. DS was a late talker, I had him is salt at 18m it was only after I remembered dd didn’t start talking until 28 months I just never worried because my mum told me it was normal and she would be talking in sentences in no time ( which was true)

The best source of advice for me was that NHS 0 to 5 book so I'd focus on what NHS advice is. MN and NM were sometimes helpful but other times made me feel worse about myself and motherhood. When I distanced myself I was out of the loop on new trends, ideas and products... so if you can avoid triggering content while keeping up with key news from a sensible source that would be good. I wouldn't follow or look at other influencer mums or any other mum I'd focus on professionals who take advice and content seriously than someone making flippant or misleading posts even though they can be addictive and entertaining for the sake of your MH with parenting be very very selective who you watch and read because it's a vulnerable time and not everyone has your best interest they have their own issues and sales targets, but like with your other interests and hobies you can watch nonsense all you like.

Sadly not everyone posts online in good faith or genuine, sometimes they mean well but their advice is terrible or incomplete, stick to professionals who will be legally liable and answerable for what they advice.

Nanny Louenna’s app! One stop shop of useful advice and guidance. I avoid anywhere else, too confusing.

I’m glad that you as a health visitor that you care enough to investigate further to give advice but sadly that’s not my experience of the service either from me or anyone I’ve spoken to really. When not giving blatantly wrong advice (like my friend who was advised to start weaning at 4 months because her baby was big), they’ve just answered questions with some variation of ‘look it up on the NHS website’. It was a running joke in one of my baby classes because almost everyone had a similar story of asking a health visitor for advice and basically being told ‘dunno, google it’. It could be a really helpful service but with the huge gaps in appointments, no continuity of care, and anecdotally a lack of trust in them, it’s not as effective as it could be. Some of it is funding, some might be training related and clearly it’s not all health visitors but it’s enough that health visitors are below Google for where I’d look for advice.

@VintedQ Well there’s always someone on mn with some unheard of lurgy or condition. You are unusual though. Most people are there to help to the best of their ability. Saying someone else cannot find info for you is odd. They can and you have a GP. A good book will give health info on rashes. It’s rarely rocket science!

"Instinct" depends on your background knowledge, as well.
You see so many people dismiss things as "common sense" that they have learnt from somewhere and assume everyone else has, or have experienced advice-givers on hand.

This is such an important point. And, everyone's instincts are different. I actually do have decent instincts (or possibly I am quite close to my primitive mammalian self) because when DD was a baby I could smell when she was ill. My friend couldn't at all. Therefore it was much less scary for me because I knew something was up, and she was guessing. I also had a friend who seemed to be an 'instinctive' mother, but she was the eldest of six, so she must have seen a huge amount as a child that had just all gone in somewhere.

When I had my first the only social media was Facebook, and that’s different to what it is now, no ‘influencers’, just your friends posting stuff. I had my third recently and I am just so relieved I didn’t have my first in this social media environment. It’s awful and I stay away from it all.

@SarahAndQuack Instinct isn’t there with some people but it is for must. Parents can recognise a temperature, a rash, not eating etc and then look up on a reliable source what this might be. Most of us recognise a cold or a cough.

It's not binary.

People have different degrees of instinct and different levels of willingness/confidence to rely on their instincts. And the internet includes reliable sources - it's not as simple as just saying 'online advice is bad' (not that you are, but I think some responses are heading that way).

@SarahAndQuack Discerning accurate advice is what’s needed. I think far too many parents look up far too much and get sucked into fads or worry themselves too much. Getting incorrect info certainly confuses and worries. It would be easier to give new parents a handbook after giving birth!