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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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8
ThreadGuardDog · 21/05/2026 13:07

Kirbert2 · 21/05/2026 12:29

ADHD can present differently and be more severe for some people.

Just because you know one person with ADHD capable of working, it doesn't mean that everyone with ADHD is capable of working.

As PP said, DLA is difficult to claim. A child is very unlikely get it for mild ADHD alone.

Not to mention that once again, despite having it clearly explained, the poster is conflating disability benefits, designed to help with the cost of living with a disability or health condition and nothing to do with the ability to work, with out of work sickness benefits, which are.

ThreadGuardDog · 21/05/2026 13:14

FlyingCatGirl · 21/05/2026 12:28

Lets tell the truth here, anxiety and depression are used to take the piss because it's nice and easy to lie! Anyone can lay it on thick and how do doctors disprove anything? They can't can they! Once you open up things like that as an excuse not to work, you'll have loads of people spinning fairytales that they know can't be argued. Many years back I knew someone who did it, he laughingly showed his cupboard full of boxes and boxes of unopened anti depressants meanwhile he was coining in the cash jobs and benefit money.

Many years ago disability benefits were not payable for mental health conditions, with the exception of a very few, for which robust medical evidence was required. Nowadays mental health issues can be claimed for as stand alone conditions for benefits like child DLA, PIP and attendance allowance. But they are, and remain very difficult to secure.

As I said in my previous post, they are not payable for anxiety and depression receiving standard treatment from a GP unless there are exceptional circumstances, which would require robust evidence. You need evidence of secondary care consultant (psychiatrist/psychologist) led treatment and detailed medical reports. Do you seriously think these trained medics don’t know what they’re talking about ? Can you give us an idea of how you ‘fake’ bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, BPD ? Because these are examples of the types of MH conditions which actually attract a PIP award. Anxiety and depression which we can all suffer from at various stages throughout are lives, are rarely enough on their own to secure an award of disability benefits.

xino · 21/05/2026 13:49

XenoBitch · 19/05/2026 22:34

My grandad said if he could press a button to end his life, he would have at 75 (he lived to 87).
I am not sure what work he could have done. He spent his waking hours in a chair in front his TV or at his dining table.

I fully intend to stop (or at least not start) any treatments once I get to 75.

Katypp · 21/05/2026 13:53

Snakebite61 · 21/05/2026 12:39

People can barely afford to live. Never mind spend money on a pension. We'll be a right wing banana republic by then anyway.

The years of bringing up children are, have always been, and always will be, the most expensive years of your life.
I have no idea when and how the idea has taken hold that today's younger families have a uniquely difficult time compared to past generations.
Workplace pensions need to be compulsory and taken off at source. No arguments. It has ALWAYS been difficult to commit to paying a pension when there are so many calls on your money. This would take the angst away about making the decision in the first place.
I am sick of the endless bleating about the cost of living and how people are barely existing. I can accept it's tricky for a very small percentage of people, but the vast majority just need to learn to tighten their belts and cut back, a concept that seems to have become considered unimaginable hardship. It isn't.
And before anyone accuses me of being 'rich', let me tell you I've donre my share of hardship - we had a business failure and at one point I had 3p in our bank account and two children to feed. Luckily, I had a storecupboard (another thing that has gone out of fashion) and we managed somehow. You have just got to be resouceful and as long as you have the liberal left handwringing about how awful it must be and something should be done, people will continue to see themselves as helpless victims with no agency to sort themselves out.

Pineapplewhip · 21/05/2026 16:20

Biker47 · 21/05/2026 12:46

There is an argument to that, and is part of the current/future problem. But this thread has prompted me to check my pension account, as it stands currently, at late 30's, I currently have about £300k in my account, so if nothing changes with how state pensions are distributed in the future i.e. it doesn't become means tested, I'll have my state pension on top of whatever I have in my pension account whether it goes up/down, whereas your friend and a lot of others will just have a state pension, my dad only has a state pension and it's not a nice way to live, and I plan on trying to avoid that as much as possible.

You know what, I didnt even realise you get state pension if you have a private pension! I assumed it would be means tested. So thank you for that comment! I feel stupid for not knowing that already, but it feels so far away I've never bothered to look into it.

frozendaisy · 21/05/2026 17:30

ThreadGuardDog · 21/05/2026 13:03

This. State pension alone is not enough to live comfortably on. Anyone who thinks it is, is deluded.

i don’t think anyone thinks it’s comfortable to live on

I did some mental calculations to stay in the (fairly modest) family home, with today’s state pension and today’s bills - one person would have about £200 a month for social, leisure, gifts, house maintenance.

Bills and food covered.

2 people could run a car have an extra £700 for social etc

But we don’t intend on staying in the family house once state pension age arrives and we have a private pension (kids well into their 30s by this time)

It’s enough to exist a very modest, very modest existence.

But does anyone think differently?

worriedaboutmyboytoday · 21/05/2026 18:26

I do think it depends how you live ànd what your expectations are. My mum didn't have a private pension and she was the most well off she had been in her life when she retired. She thought a grand each month with no mortgage, no council tax, free bus pass, low bills was riches.

Never ran a car, never went on holidays. Vegetarian, always bought yellow labels. After years of waiting on maintenance payments from her ex-husband, redundancy, job-hunting then low, casual wages, a guaranteed, steady income provided enormous security for her. .

hcee19 · 21/05/2026 19:11

I have heard about this, work pensions should be compulsory. I am an advanced nurse practitioner in the nhs, started as a student nurse in 1984. I have paid into my pension ever since. Just before l qualified, nurses were allowed to cash in their contributions and start again, as a qualified nurse. The day after qualifying, me and my friends went to the fiance office , we wanted to cash in our pensions, but we're told, no, you can no longer do that...So glad l didn't , it was only 3yrs contributions, but because we're we all skint, we would definitely cashed them in. I also took out a private pension with Royal London. All my children pay into their work pensions and they too have private pensions. How much will be taken by tax l have no idea, unfair, paying tax on money l have already been taxed on but we are all in the same boat for that. I too will get a state pension, & l know its been said the government may not be able to sustain them...l would rescind my pensions if l could be 18 again....or even 30..

Papyrophile · 21/05/2026 20:22

Again, pensions are worthwhile for everyone, from infancy. The younger it starts the less likely you are to have to worry or miss the money.

Yokodoko · 21/05/2026 20:28

Brahumbug They are compulsory?

Brahumbug · 21/05/2026 20:33

LuckyHazelFox · 21/05/2026 10:08

No, that's why the current government need to start building growth so people can afford to pay in. Your suggestion is Oppressive.

No, it's no more oppressive than any other deduction, less so in fact as any deductions will attract tax relief. We don't really have a choice if we are to prevent a financial catastrophe in future decades.

Papyrophile · 21/05/2026 20:58

We are probably moving towards a financial environment in which the state provision is threadbare, at best, in which if you have not been able or bothered to set something aside for your older years during your productive earning period, you should expect communal accommodation without any luxuries and with very limited comfort. Bleak prospects.

NorthXNorthWest · 21/05/2026 21:43

Brahumbug · 21/05/2026 20:33

No, it's no more oppressive than any other deduction, less so in fact as any deductions will attract tax relief. We don't really have a choice if we are to prevent a financial catastrophe in future decades.

The expectation that you prepare for your old and trying to reduce your reliance on the state is oppression? I think I have heard it all now.

Gillydoller · 21/05/2026 21:50

The government ‘pays’ two big pension related costs:

  1. it pays the state pension (and pension credits, and
  2. if allows you to pay in tax free (and take out 25% lump sum tax free).

Thr cost of each of these is huge. If you don’t pay into a private pension you are only benefitting from 1, not 1 & 2.

BoredZelda · Yesterday 00:21

Katypp · 20/05/2026 11:52

I do find it quite entertaing that pemsioners are criticised on MN just about every day for not paying into a private pension or workplace pension (when neither really existed) yet when the same is suggested to today's workers they bleat about not being able to afford it.
Yet on many threads posters are keen to see state pensions means tested or even abolished altogether (to teach the greedy boomers a lesson that they should have planned better)
I wonder how today's workers will manage when THEY are the pensioners who have not planned?

My parents are nearly 80. They paid into private pensions and workplace pensions. My late grandmother was born in 1920. She had a workplace pension.

As I said previously, when we are pensioners, we are fully aware the government will not properly look after us because we have spent our lives seeing government support removed or reduced in every aspect of our lives.

BoredZelda · Yesterday 00:37

OneShyQuail · 20/05/2026 13:09

And apparently not save £100 a month for a holiday with your children but put it into your pension pot instead.

Some posters assumed ive saved £100 a month for decades for holidays amd blasted me for wanting to take my kids away. Nope, this is the first year I have been able to put money aside for a holiday.

But yeah, I wont take them on holiday, il put £100 into my pension pot for 12 months instead.

Like honestly wtf?!

Oh and the £25 a month i put into their birthday and christmas funds.....apparently £300 on a birthday/christmas (split) is too much money and that should go into my pension too?!

So no Christmas or birthdays for them?

I love rich people telling poor people how to spend their money 🙄

Or, save £80 quid for a holiday and £20 into a pension.

BoredZelda · Yesterday 00:39

Wednesday505 · 20/05/2026 12:57

Most people live day to day, there's no way of funding a pension.

No, most people don’t. Some do, but not most. Not even nearly.

PrettyPickle · Yesterday 09:45

BoredZelda · Yesterday 00:21

My parents are nearly 80. They paid into private pensions and workplace pensions. My late grandmother was born in 1920. She had a workplace pension.

As I said previously, when we are pensioners, we are fully aware the government will not properly look after us because we have spent our lives seeing government support removed or reduced in every aspect of our lives.

When my mum was starting out in working life (she is now 87 and has always been working class and a manual worker) , the pension landscape looked very different from today. The modern State Pension only came into force in 1948, after the Second World War, when the National Insurance Act created a flat‑rate pension for everyone who paid in. Before that, there was no universal state system, and even after 1948 the payment levels were modest, so most people still relied heavily on their own savings or family support.

Workplace pensions were also nothing like the norm for ordinary working people. In the early 1960s, actuarial data shows that around 65% of men in full‑time employment were in an occupational pension scheme but coverage for women was far lower. Many employers simply didn’t offer schemes to women at all, especially in retail, clerical work, factories, and part‑time roles. Even when women were allowed to join, they often entered much later in life because schemes required long, unbroken service and excluded anyone who took time out for childcare or caring responsibilities. Civil Service, Nursing and maybe banking or local authorities perhaps being the exception.

That’s why women born in the 1920s, 30s and 40s, like my mum and grandmother, often ended up with only a small workplace pension, even if they worked hard all their lives. This small pension was enough to deny them any state top up benefits and in real terms left them worse off than if she hadn't contributed.

The opportunities simply weren’t there when they were young, and by the time schemes became more common and more inclusive, they were already well into their working years and didn't have the disposable income to contribute as they wished. In my mums case this was aggravated by the fact that she divorced and she paid married women's reduced rate NI conts.

Their pension outcomes reflect the system they lived through, not their effort or commitment. Sounds like your mum was lucky but it wasn't the norm. Luckily companies must now offer pension schemes and they must contribute if you do. The problem is that if you live a life just on or just above the minimum wage, its unlikely you will have the disposable income to contribute to a private pension, and that is a big problem.

crossedlines · Yesterday 10:10

PrettyPickle · Yesterday 09:45

When my mum was starting out in working life (she is now 87 and has always been working class and a manual worker) , the pension landscape looked very different from today. The modern State Pension only came into force in 1948, after the Second World War, when the National Insurance Act created a flat‑rate pension for everyone who paid in. Before that, there was no universal state system, and even after 1948 the payment levels were modest, so most people still relied heavily on their own savings or family support.

Workplace pensions were also nothing like the norm for ordinary working people. In the early 1960s, actuarial data shows that around 65% of men in full‑time employment were in an occupational pension scheme but coverage for women was far lower. Many employers simply didn’t offer schemes to women at all, especially in retail, clerical work, factories, and part‑time roles. Even when women were allowed to join, they often entered much later in life because schemes required long, unbroken service and excluded anyone who took time out for childcare or caring responsibilities. Civil Service, Nursing and maybe banking or local authorities perhaps being the exception.

That’s why women born in the 1920s, 30s and 40s, like my mum and grandmother, often ended up with only a small workplace pension, even if they worked hard all their lives. This small pension was enough to deny them any state top up benefits and in real terms left them worse off than if she hadn't contributed.

The opportunities simply weren’t there when they were young, and by the time schemes became more common and more inclusive, they were already well into their working years and didn't have the disposable income to contribute as they wished. In my mums case this was aggravated by the fact that she divorced and she paid married women's reduced rate NI conts.

Their pension outcomes reflect the system they lived through, not their effort or commitment. Sounds like your mum was lucky but it wasn't the norm. Luckily companies must now offer pension schemes and they must contribute if you do. The problem is that if you live a life just on or just above the minimum wage, its unlikely you will have the disposable income to contribute to a private pension, and that is a big problem.

And this is why I despair when I read threads from women saying it’s ‘not worth their while’ returning to work after having a child. Or spend decades in menial or part time jobs. ‘I’ll only just earn enough to pay for childcare’. ‘If I go to work, I’ll end up doing all the housework too.’ ‘My dh earns lots more than me so it’s not worth it’ …. etc etc…

We’re not talking about women born 1920s, 30s and 40s now, and the barriers they faced without equality, not being allowed to join pension schemes etc. This is 2026!

I totally understand that the younger generation face economic challenges - I have 3 young adult children myself. The one thing I’ve drummed into them is to start paying into a pension as early as possible. Even if they can only afford a few %. It means cutting back elsewhere, though of course it’s deducted at source which saves on tax and lowers the NI contribution.

I totally get that it’s tough, every generation faces challenges. For dh and I it was the mortgage interest rates, which averaged way higher for years than anything we’ve seen recently. Plus no subsidised childcare at all. It was tough. We went without holidays, ate beans on toast when needed. The one thing I’m so glad we never compromised on was working and paying into occupational pensions. Once you understand how compound interest works - plus the fact you’re essentially getting some ‘free’ money, it’s an absolute no brainer. We cut our cloth in every conceivable way - but pension contributions would have been the very final thing if we’d had to.

PrettyPickle · Yesterday 10:26

crossedlines · Yesterday 10:10

And this is why I despair when I read threads from women saying it’s ‘not worth their while’ returning to work after having a child. Or spend decades in menial or part time jobs. ‘I’ll only just earn enough to pay for childcare’. ‘If I go to work, I’ll end up doing all the housework too.’ ‘My dh earns lots more than me so it’s not worth it’ …. etc etc…

We’re not talking about women born 1920s, 30s and 40s now, and the barriers they faced without equality, not being allowed to join pension schemes etc. This is 2026!

I totally understand that the younger generation face economic challenges - I have 3 young adult children myself. The one thing I’ve drummed into them is to start paying into a pension as early as possible. Even if they can only afford a few %. It means cutting back elsewhere, though of course it’s deducted at source which saves on tax and lowers the NI contribution.

I totally get that it’s tough, every generation faces challenges. For dh and I it was the mortgage interest rates, which averaged way higher for years than anything we’ve seen recently. Plus no subsidised childcare at all. It was tough. We went without holidays, ate beans on toast when needed. The one thing I’m so glad we never compromised on was working and paying into occupational pensions. Once you understand how compound interest works - plus the fact you’re essentially getting some ‘free’ money, it’s an absolute no brainer. We cut our cloth in every conceivable way - but pension contributions would have been the very final thing if we’d had to.

And if you read my earlier posts you will see we agree.

My point is that there are more options for pensions now but people need to start realising the importance as soon as they start work and make contributions as far off as it seems. I did not do this and realised my mistake too late. I chose living for now rather than preparing for what was to come.

When looking at moving jobs I looked at what my take home pay was and not how the company pension contributions would affect my overall package. Biggggg mistake.

BUT the fact does remain that people living on the minimum wage will struggle with making pension contributions and there does need to be a realistic failsafe for those people.

I am not talking about those who have the money but choose to spend it elsewhere, but those who are on the breadline throughout their working life and genuinely do not have the money to make private contributions to a pension because they struggle to eat and pay bills NOW.

crossedlines · Yesterday 10:33

PrettyPickle · Yesterday 10:26

And if you read my earlier posts you will see we agree.

My point is that there are more options for pensions now but people need to start realising the importance as soon as they start work and make contributions as far off as it seems. I did not do this and realised my mistake too late. I chose living for now rather than preparing for what was to come.

When looking at moving jobs I looked at what my take home pay was and not how the company pension contributions would affect my overall package. Biggggg mistake.

BUT the fact does remain that people living on the minimum wage will struggle with making pension contributions and there does need to be a realistic failsafe for those people.

I am not talking about those who have the money but choose to spend it elsewhere, but those who are on the breadline throughout their working life and genuinely do not have the money to make private contributions to a pension because they struggle to eat and pay bills NOW.

Fair enough. My post was really in the context of some of the things written on this thread - eg: people saying they cut their cloth and only put the equivalent of £100 per month towards a holiday. Or only spend £300 per child at Christmas. They may well be ‘cutting cloth’ and not going on really expensive holidays - but the fact remains that there’s still choice there. That £100 could be paid into a pension. Or £50 a month towards holidays (perhaps go once every two years rather than annually) and £50 in the pension. It really is a case of every little helps, particularly if you start paying as early as possible.

I’m not underestimating the challenges. I worked for several years for no immediate financial gain because our nursery bill was the same as my take home pay. I stayed in work purely for the future pension and to keep my hand in. There are frequently threads from women who aren’t prepared to do that - and fair enough, that’s a choice. But the point is, it is a choice. It seems strange to complain about something when other choices are available to you.

jumpingjohnny · Yesterday 11:46

The problem is that if you live a life just on or just above the minimum wage, its unlikely you will have the disposable income to contribute to a private pension, and that is a big problem.

This is not true.

If you are on minimum wage, or close to, you will be entitled to UC. The limit, especially if you rent, is higher than you think. And it is calculated for your take-home pay. So if you pay into a pension - you get more UC so are in actual fact BETTER off by paying into your pension.

Same with self-employed, you declare pension contributions on your tax return and end up BETER off by paying into a pension.

There is such a tiny, tiny, tiny percentage of people that really could not afford to pay into a pension. It's not the minimum wage workers or self-employed, it'll be the people who (jointly) earn ~50k - 60k in the South East, or expensive city and have a mortgage rather than rent.

jumpingjohnny · Yesterday 11:52

(and even they would be better off long term, just not short term)

Petlover9 · Yesterday 13:32

worriedaboutmyboytoday · 21/05/2026 18:26

I do think it depends how you live ànd what your expectations are. My mum didn't have a private pension and she was the most well off she had been in her life when she retired. She thought a grand each month with no mortgage, no council tax, free bus pass, low bills was riches.

Never ran a car, never went on holidays. Vegetarian, always bought yellow labels. After years of waiting on maintenance payments from her ex-husband, redundancy, job-hunting then low, casual wages, a guaranteed, steady income provided enormous security for her. .

A lot of people are living like that. After years of worrying about income (or finding a job!) and putting up with low paid jobs to survive, to have a regular income gives a sense of security.

BIossomtoes · Yesterday 13:39

worriedaboutmyboytoday · 21/05/2026 18:26

I do think it depends how you live ànd what your expectations are. My mum didn't have a private pension and she was the most well off she had been in her life when she retired. She thought a grand each month with no mortgage, no council tax, free bus pass, low bills was riches.

Never ran a car, never went on holidays. Vegetarian, always bought yellow labels. After years of waiting on maintenance payments from her ex-husband, redundancy, job-hunting then low, casual wages, a guaranteed, steady income provided enormous security for her. .

How did she manage not to pay council tax?

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