Long history of difficult co-parenting and years of court proceedings. There is now a barring order because of the repeated litigation history. So this is not just “normal” separated parent friction for me emotionally. t.
My DS is turning 10. He is absolutely obsessed with Formula 1 and we’ve organised a go karting/F1-themed session at a race track which he is incredibly excited about. I’m also heavily pregnant and in the middle of moving house so everything has been planned carefully around the court-ordered handover arrangements.
The order states a Wednesday 2pm handover during the holidays and that holidays are shared. His dad messaged to say he had arranged a birthday celebration with his family on the Wednesday (5 days after DS’s actual birthday) and therefore needed to return him later in the evening instead of 2pm.
I politely no because we already had plans arranged from 3pm onwards linked to DS’s birthday.
Then suddenly I get this:
“Having reviewed the school holiday dates properly, my understanding is that this holiday period is split equally at 6 nights each, which is consistent with the 50/50 arrangement set out in the order.”
He then went on to say he would therefore return DS on Thursday instead of Wednesday.
The thing that has absolutely sent me west is the trajectory of it. He says he needs extra time because of plans he’s arranged, I say sorry no because we already have plans, and then suddenly there’s a technical reinterpretation of the order which conveniently gives him the exact outcome he wanted anyway.
The order says holidays are shared, but the Wednesday handover has been the established arrangement. What I cannot get past emotionally is the timing and the unilateral tone of “I will therefore return him on Thursday.”
I honestly feel like for the sake of an extra 20 hours (most of which my son will spend asleep), he is willing to make him miss part of a birthday celebration he is massively excited about because he doesn’t like being told no.
I know my response was emotional. I said I thought the behaviour was grim and ego-driven. Probably not ideal, but I’m just exhausted by years of feeling like everything becomes a positional battle where I’m expected to absorb changes after plans have already been made.
I think what I’m struggling with most is the powerlessness. Once DS is there, realistically what do I do? I can’t physically go and get him. So how do people emotionally regulate when they feel someone can just bulldoze plans and there are no consequences?
Genuinely asking how people detach and stop feeling so activated by this stuff because I feel sick with rage tonight.