Ex, birthday and rage

[Lilylove2]

Long history of difficult co-parenting and years of court proceedings. There is now a barring order because of the repeated litigation history. So this is not just “normal” separated parent friction for me emotionally. t.

My DS is turning 10. He is absolutely obsessed with Formula 1 and we’ve organised a go karting/F1-themed session at a race track which he is incredibly excited about. I’m also heavily pregnant and in the middle of moving house so everything has been planned carefully around the court-ordered handover arrangements.

The order states a Wednesday 2pm handover during the holidays and that holidays are shared. His dad messaged to say he had arranged a birthday celebration with his family on the Wednesday (5 days after DS’s actual birthday) and therefore needed to return him later in the evening instead of 2pm.

I politely no because we already had plans arranged from 3pm onwards linked to DS’s birthday.
Then suddenly I get this:
“Having reviewed the school holiday dates properly, my understanding is that this holiday period is split equally at 6 nights each, which is consistent with the 50/50 arrangement set out in the order.”

He then went on to say he would therefore return DS on Thursday instead of Wednesday.

The thing that has absolutely sent me west is the trajectory of it. He says he needs extra time because of plans he’s arranged, I say sorry no because we already have plans, and then suddenly there’s a technical reinterpretation of the order which conveniently gives him the exact outcome he wanted anyway.

The order says holidays are shared, but the Wednesday handover has been the established arrangement. What I cannot get past emotionally is the timing and the unilateral tone of “I will therefore return him on Thursday.”

I honestly feel like for the sake of an extra 20 hours (most of which my son will spend asleep), he is willing to make him miss part of a birthday celebration he is massively excited about because he doesn’t like being told no.

I know my response was emotional. I said I thought the behaviour was grim and ego-driven. Probably not ideal, but I’m just exhausted by years of feeling like everything becomes a positional battle where I’m expected to absorb changes after plans have already been made.

I think what I’m struggling with most is the powerlessness. Once DS is there, realistically what do I do? I can’t physically go and get him. So how do people emotionally regulate when they feel someone can just bulldoze plans and there are no consequences?

Genuinely asking how people detach and stop feeling so activated by this stuff because I feel sick with rage tonight.

I’m sorry @Lilylove2.
Your ex is being spiteful and it must be really hard especially as your heavily pregnant and moving house which is a lot to manage!

I don’t have any advice for you, but didn’t want to read and run. You may have to reschedule your plans, I’m sorry to say.

what an a**hole!

Can you both ask your son what he wants to do?

I would probably explain to him that he then needs to be the one to tell DS his F1 plans are cancelled and tell your DS dad said he can’t go.

not necessarily the right move (?) but it puts some blame back onto him

He may be forbidden from going to court but surely you can go and the order “firmed up” for clarity going forward? Your son is almost old enough where his wishes will be taken into account too.

So is your DS going to miss the F1 birthday stuff? What is he actually missing out on - it’s not clear from your post if it’s the F1 stuff or another celebration event?

It must be so hard for you. I’ve never had this problem but I’m so sick of reading about fathers that are happy to mess their ex’s and DC around just to score points.

Your DS is 10 so should have done say, if he feels confident enough to do that with his father.

But is he correct? Can you check the dates? It’s very possible that the other side of this story is the ex saying you’re inflexible and won’t let him attend a planned celebration. was he aware of your plans for the day? If not it kind of sounds like he told you his plans and then you said No to them.

Coparenting is just so hard. It must be even harder with pregnancy hormones. People get through it by knowing they are doing their best by their child, no matter what the other parent does. I’m not divorced, but my parents are, I know it took every fibre of my dads being to hold it together and coparent
amicably.

I wouldn’t arrange anything close to handover time as ex only cares about his time and no one else’s, can’t wait until DC is 18 tbh.

The handover is always on a Wednesday at 3pm as outlined in the court order and has been for years. I am entitled to make plans after that time and did so in good faith for my son’s birthday.
The issue for me is that he knowingly made plans on a day/timing where, under the existing arrangement, he did not have DS. Rather than asking if we could discuss flexibility, the wording was effectively “I need to return him later because I’ve arranged something.”

When I said no because we already had plans, it then suddenly became an argument about reinterpreting the order to justify keeping him an extra day entirely.

I would ask your son what he wants to do and involve your ex in that discussion - if legally, your ex is correct - arguing with him will serve no purpose. However, if he cares that much about his son, he should also want to ensure that he gets to do what he wants on his birthday irrespective of which parent has the ‘legal time’

I mean I would be replying to say (as this is 5 days after the birthday) I am
guessing is something other than the F1 event, that your plans are going away weds evening when he was returned therefore if he wishes to return him
thursday instead you will not actually be home. Therefore he will need to keep him X amount of extra days as you will then be away. I imagine this will fuck go his arrangements/childcare and he can make a choice. Return him usual agreed time. Or keep him and extra X days.

effectively play him at his own game.

it is essentially unfair on DS so you may not want to. But like you say he gets to inconvenience you without any consequence so until he gets one he won’t see he needs to change his behaviour. The other option is to only ever plan things well within your established time (not the weds handover day) and just say OK to what he says in the hope he will get bored when he no longer has any power from it. Or go back to court and get the times firmed up so he can’t do this and leave nothing informal/arranged. However it’s sad he can’t put his wants aside for his child.

The problem is he's not legally correct. He's taking umbridge with me politely stating a boundary and then trying to manipulate the wording of the court order to suit him. He's legally and morally wrong

What plans do you actually have since it’s 5 days after his birthday and midweek and I can hardly see that you would have booked the F1 thing for a Wednesday evening??Therefore I do think you are being a tad awkward with this one and it’s backfired

This. His father has to tell your DS, not you.

Your son will start to make his own observations of his father's behaviour ...

The whole thing sounds incredibly difficult, in particular on your son. He wants to do nice things with both his parents, and it must be really difficult for him to be in the middle of this toxicity.

He’s rapidly barrelling toward an age where he will have his own plans, with his own friends, and may not want to stick to the contact order.

As he gets older there will be an increased need for flexibility, and both you & the ex will need to work it through, as he will be more and more aware of the animosity the older he gets.

As for this situation, as long as your son doesn’t miss out on his F1, and he has a nice time at both his events, then that’s what matters.

Doesn’t help now, but I wouldn’t arrange something which he has the potential to disrupt. Why would you book something on the day of handover?
either way, if the court order says a specific time, surely he has to stick to it?

I don’t think it’s awkward at all to make plans based on a legal order that has been in place for years.

My son’s birthday is on the Friday. He goes to his dad’s after school that day and stays there over half term until the Wednesday handover at 2/3pm (depending on school holiday wording). The order has always operated on the basis of a Wednesday handover.

The wednesday handover is the first day I'll see after his birthday. My parents live near a racing track and as part of his 10th birthday present he and his cousins are going karting afterwards, then having a birthday tea. It’s a discounted midweek session, and because we are literally moving house in the days immediately after, we organised things this way.

So yes, I absolutely did make plans on the basis that the court-ordered Wednesday handover would happen at the normal time. I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect me to organise my life on the assumption the order may suddenly be reinterpreted after plans are already made.

Also, if his dad wanted a family birthday celebration, he had from Friday to Wednesday to arrange one. That’s what I find difficult here. The issue isn’t “he wants to celebrate his birthday”, it’s that he knowingly arranged it on the one afternoon where there is a legal handover already in place and then effectively informed me afterwards that the timing would need to change.

Do you not realize that he could still refuse to hand over even if Op had arranged the treat for Thursday or Friday? This kind of high conflict abuser will continually push the boundaries because the actual goal is humiliation and control of the OP.

Either 1) violate the court order for once and just take the consequences or

2. inform your sonthat his father is ruining his birthday treat. If you can reschedule then do that. If you can’t then continue to blame the father publicly.

I think its a mistake to try to protect the ex from the natural consequences of his abusive behavior. The child has to be able to trust you, the OP, to reliably tell the truth about the situation.

Half term is 10 nights not 12 do how would 6/6 work?

There's a teacher training day on the Monday. Either way, he knew this prior and he's just now having a tantrum cos I said we had to stick to the court ordered handover

If you have a court order surely you can force hand over legally.

Not very nice for your child however.

Stick to your guns.

Well obviously he is being awkward

Has he insisted on 50:50 for holidays before this changing handover days?

I used to have one like this. We had a very prescriptive court order and he’d still fuck about with the dates at the last minute. I just had to play him at his own game so he suffered the inconvenience of his own actions.
Change the date of the F1 thing to a time your DS will definitely be with you.
The more you react the more your ex will enjoy it…take the wind out of his sails.

I still don’t know where he’s getting 6 nights from though? Am I missing something? If he finishes school on Friday evening, then goes back on Tuesday morning then that’s still not 12 nights is it? It’s only 11?

In any event, inset days are technically part of the school term so you might have an argument there to say the “holiday” doesn’t include the Monday?

Or how about you work out the hours and give him a ridiculously stupid schedule so he can have Tuesday night 2-6am etc, Wednesday night 12am- 7am, Friday afternoon etc.

I would honestly tell him that you have every right to expect the same handover time as previously and that what you are suggesting is clear on the order. If he’s not prepared to stick to existing arrangements then you aren’t going to send him in the first place- until you’ve both gone back to court- or he can have the “second” half (I.e after the F1 day).

I think you and he need to reset. You say you are entitled and you may be but the only way to change things is to talk to each other and not react.

Can you change the arrangments so your son can enjoy both. Can you explain the situation tp your ex and see if he can change his. Your son did not choose either of you.
, you chose each other.

I hope it gets better you and he are stuck with each other as long as your son lives which I am.sure you both hope is for the rest of your lives.