AIBU to feel upset about this.

[maria2bela1]

Long story short last year I posted about how I was upset that husband didn’t plan anything or get me anything for my birthday, I don’t want much, but even getting the kids to make me a card would have been nice. People said when he asks I shouldn’t brush it off and say I don’t want anything etc. so I told him how I felt and he said next birthday will be special, anyway we’re now 2 days before and he asks me ‘do you want a cake?’ And where should we go to eat. Basically this means he hasn’t done any planning. It’s not the birthday itself that gets to me, it’s more that when it’s his birthday or kids or my immediate family, I plan the cake, food and get together on that persons behalf. Just feels shit that none of them have planned anything for me and he’s asking me 2 days before. I suppose I wanted to know if I’m being unreasonable here..

You are not being unreasonable

This wouldn’t bother some people but to you it’s important and please please make sure you stop giving him a great birthday

I’d not even mention his tbh

Fgs let up

he is planning your birthday as your requested / demanded

now you’re going to get in an arse about him not doing enough planning

why don’t you just wait until your birthday so see what he does before getting all woe is me?

You are not being unreasonable but women with low standards will say you are.

Just tell him you are leaving him to plan it and see what he does on the day.

He asked if you'd like a cake you say yes please, he asks about dinner you say book somewhere you think I'll line (then don't be moody if it's not where you would've picked) , he's not asking you to plan it he's clarifying what you want

This! And say you’d like a present too.

Disappointing he's putting the mental load of it onto you, yes. Is he usually so helpless?

Shouldn't he just do this without having to ask?

People think differently about birthdays and so on.

You have to be explicit about what you want.

It's got nothing to do with having 'low standards', it's understanding that not everyone thinks the way that you do and expecting them to without any guidance is just a recipe for resentment.

If as you say he's never planned for a birthday he probably feels that 2 days is going to be perfectly adequate. He will soon find out. I get that it's disappointing but he's hardly likely to go from zero to hero in one jump. YANBU for wanting more but YABU for expecting perfection first time around.

You told him how you felt, he knew his actions upset you and he’s chosen to repeat that behaviour again.

Its your choice to accept it or not.

To me this is not a problem. I know where I like to go for a meal and I am fine picking up my own cake. So for me personally I would say 'can you book the Italian we normally go to, if not happy with the restaurant we sometimes go to instead'. Cake wise I grab when doing the shopping.

If you genuinely would be happy with anything, then I would go down with the I am happy with you surprising me with where we go for food and also the same with the cake. Look forward to seeing what you choose.

This, absolutely.

He listened to you last year and took in on board. I would say, 'And actually, I'd like a bottle of Chanel Mademoiselle perfume please for my present. You can get it in Boots'. (Or whatever it is you actually want).

My DH is fab - but if I don't give him a specific request he will buy me lovely things he thinks I will like. He will spend generously. He will also buy shit I have no interest in, generally. God knows how he has known me for 30 years and thinks I might like a candle, a silk scarf or a foot spa. I don't.

I give clear instructions now and we are both happy.

Why all the drama about a birthday? He’s trying to make you happy. Just go with the flow. 🤷‍♀️

Maybe she doesn't want a cake? Maybe she doesn't want to go for dinner? It's my birthday soon DH said would you like to go out for dinner I said no but I would like to get away for a few days, he said fine any preferences? I said I've really been wanting to go to x for a while. I know we're going because he told me to book a couple of days leave, but he's arranged the details, I think that's fine

Everyone is different, having got it wrong before it may be that he wants to check in that he is on the right track. Personally I would hate to have someone plan my birthday with no input from me, its my day so I prefer to choose where I eat and what I do so I like to make suggestions but let the other person execute. That way I cant be disappointed if they pick something that im not mad keen on. On the other hand I would also hate to plan someone else's birthday with no input from them, im not great at picking up on hints (ND) so it would feel like i was being set up to fail.

Whats the issue here though? Is it you want him.to plan and choose with no input or is it that you just want there to be a plan but you are happy to steer it to make sure it aligns with how you want to celebrate. You may need to clarify which it is, but if it's the forner then theres a chance it wont be exactly what you had in mind.

He's literally asking you what you would like! You can't blame him for wanting to make sure you do/have the things you like.

Before, you kept telling you didn't want anything and then got upset when he believed you. Now, you've told him you were actually just pretending all those times when you brushed it off, and that you actually do want to do something, so I can see why he would be asking you what you wanted rather than trying to guess. He doesn't want to risk planning something that you won't like, given that previously you haven't actually communicated with him about it.

Honestly, I'm not one of those Mumsnetters who thinks birthdays are only for children, but I do think you're being a bit precious now. Not everything needs to be planned like a military operation. It's fine to simply do something nice without it being arranged six months in advance under a cloak of secrecy. I realise you say you do that for other people but... that's your choice. There's a good chance your husband would be equally happy on his birthday if you just asked him where he fancied going out for dinner.

2 days is plenty to organise something. He's checking in with you to make sure these are the things you want and not get it wrong. It's good he remembered and checking with you and planning.

You enjoy planning for the birthdays of others. He doesn’t. He’s not you. The more you pile the pressure on the more miserable it’ll all be. As a pp said just go with the flow. We can’t control other adults however much we try

No, he hasn't repeated the same behaviour.

Previously, the OP was a martyr and told him she didn't want anything, and apparently expected him to realise that when she said 'I don't want anything' what she meant was 'I definitely do want something'.

Now, she has told him that she does want to do something, so he is making arrangements to do something that she wants/likes.

So you are in the same positiin as last year.
You have had a year to work on your expectations, just plan your own day.

He is a grown man. She says she’d like a nice birthday. He isn’t planning anything. He’s asking her to tell him what to do.

Why should she have to be specific? Presumably he’s not an idiot. Presumably he knows his wife somewhat. “Would you like a cake?” Wtf do you think, mate?

Bring her breakfast in bed. Get the kids to help decorate a store bought cake and present it to her with a home made card. Sing happy birthday. Book a table at a restaurant. It’s not hard.

The lengths people go to to paint some posters as unreasonable when they are clearly not shouldn’t surprise me anymore, but it does!

If as you say he's never planned for a birthday he probably feels that 2 days is going to be perfectly adequate.

Two days is perfectly adequate, unless you're planning an actual party with invited guests. If the plan is to have a birthday cake and presents at home with the kids and go out for a nice meal somewhere, it doesn't need planning months in advance.

Agreed. We went to one of the family friendly restaurants we often choose last week to celebrate the end of SATS. My son chose where he wanted to go and we didn't even book. Plenty of tables.

Of course it's going to be very different if @maria2bela1 hasn't specified a small restaurant that isn't really child friendly and is expecting her husband to have booked the table and sorted childcare.
Which is again why she needs to be more specific about what she wants e.g. a couples only meal and a night off being with the kids or a family meal, even inviting others.