To tell my sister her arm looks ''fat'' in communion photo? - Light hearted

[pontipinemum]

This is pretty light hearted and I know my sister appreciated it.

It was my nieces communion over the weekend.

My sister - her mum. Looks beautiful! But I know she usually hates her arms in photos.

In the run up to the communion, I watched a few videos to find poses for her to so her arm didn't look 'fat' and taught them to her that morning. I took most her pics and got her to re-do any I knew she wouldn't like her arm in.

Our niece (age 20) took a photo of me and sis. I looked at it and said, 'we need to re do it, you won't like your 'fat' arm (eyeroll)' - because her arm is fine she just doesn't like it.

20yr old was I wouldn't say shocked but a bit miffed I had told sis that. And said you can't say that to people.

YABU - Don't say anything - and let her dislike the photo

YANBU - Do say it - so we can re take the photo

Why didn't your niece's mum tell her it was ok - she had asked you to do that?

You sound bitchy honestly

If you know your family member has an insecurity, don’t bring it up in front of others and draw attention to it.

If you genuinely thought your sister would be upset at the photo taken, you could have asked your niece to take more photos without making any reference to “fat arms”. Just because she shared her insecurities with you, doesn’t mean she automatically wanted to discuss it with her daughter there. It’s embarrassing.

Also, supportive family members would surely redirect attention from “fat arms”, ie don’t let your sister hyper fixate on it. That seems to be what your niece is doing. The fact you’re teaching your sister fat-free poses is weird. Just tell her she looks fine as she is, don’t feed the beast.

I think the impulse is fine, but I wouldn't use those exact words. I'd say something less potentially insulting, even if it's a phrase she herself uses. 'Let's take another with a different pose. DSis, try standing like this/turn a little to the left/(whatever she needs to do to look her best).'

There's nothing light hearted about this.

Yup

No matter what your sister says (what anyone says) and whatever jokes are made, if she’s self-conscious, it’s cruelty masking itself as banter. Your niece is right. You’re now that aunt.

@MaggieBsBoat god I don't want to the 'that' aunt. My own aunt is awful to us about our weight. Commenting the day before my wedding 'you look fabulous, but if you had maybe just lost about 6lbs it would be perfect' OK I won't eat until tomorrow. She has made a lot of comments like this over the years

It does run deep in the family. My other aunt - who is slim - said to me you really do have a great appetite don't you, well you've always loved your food. I had gone for seconds, but I had only put a small amount on my plate the first time as I wanted to make sure that everyone else got what they wanted.

I will just say arm from now on. It goes something like this take photo - look - told sis you won't like your and I did air quotes 'fat arm' lets take another one.

I know she will not like them. I want her to have photos from the day that she wants to print.

Also that niece is not her DD.

Surely it would be better to show your sister the photos without any reference to her arms, telling her that you think she looks great in all of them but if there are any she dislikes to let you know. Most of us are perfectly aware of our imperfections and might even joke about them ourselves but cringe inwardly if anyone else mentions them.

Stop feeding your sister’s body dysmorphia by ‘teaching her poses’ and rejecting photos!

You haven't said whether your sister asked you to look up poses and teach her, but that's the worst part of this imo. As others have said, by doing this you're validating her insecurities and making it seem like you agree that the arm is a problem. If she wanted to learn poses she could look them up herself.

I think even if she'd asked you, the kind thing would have been to say no because you fully believe there is nothing wrong with her arm and you'd love to just see her being carefree on this joyful day.

She clearly didn't take the poses on board anyway because she wasn't doing it in the picture, and it sounds like she didn't ask to see the picture... It sounds like it's you leading this tbh.

As others have also said, whatever the conversation between the two of you, it was unkind to say "fat arm" out loud in front of others. If you have to comment at all, then I would say it's the same as pointing out when someone has lipstick on their teeth or a hair out of place etc - you do it discreetly.

I think maybe your sister would be happy to print photos of herself if more of her family members were telling her she looks beautiful and supporting her confidence rather than pointing out her flaws and rolling eyes at her.

Can I ask which exercises helped you please 🙏

@takealettermsjones this is why I ask these sorts of things on the internet. I mean this sincerely, in my mind I thought I was doing something very helpful looking up those videos. I wanted to help her, this seemed like a good way to help. Well aware that my mind works a bit differently to most. I won't say wrong or stupidly because I am trying to think less negatively about it.

In real life, and on the internet several times now I have been corrected on my behaviour, I do listen and I will learn from it.

I was given a shake weight - i know some people poke fun of these - but i found the basic exercise regime with that really helped my arms and posture.

I then bought some arm hula hoops which are really good for toning the shoulders.

Since then I've sort of added a variety of exercises with dumbells . This sort of thing https://www.saga.co.uk/magazine/health-and-wellbeing/the-best-arm-exercises-for-strong-and-toned-arms
And I do backward arm swings

I must say I sometimes get a bit lazy and let the exercises slip. And I soon notice the difference so have to make the effort again.

I would have shown her the photo and said “I think it’s lovely. What do you think?” That would give her the opportunity to ask for a new photo without drawing attention to why.

do you often have issues in terms of social etiquette. Because the normal reaction is your arms look great as do you. Not your arms look fat, let’s retake it. Tinkly laugh, faux innocence. I’m just being helpful honest.

As she's your sister, you should know whether this is the right thing to do for her or not. My sister has a part of her body that she's self conscious about and I helped her to get photos she was happy with on her wedding day. In our case, we're close enough that she can tell me her insecurity and be sure that I will care about it. When I pointed out any issues with photos it wasn't because I was being horrible, it was because I know her well enough to know that she wouldn't be happy with them and I wanted to avoid that for her.

Ideally I'd love her to be less insecure about her body but we're not there yet, so I help her manage it.

I didn't tinkly laugh. Yes I have huge issues with social etiquette. I was recently diagnosed with ADHD, and the psychiatrist did an ASD test too along with a lot of questions. She said it is outside of the remit of what I was there for, but that I should look into ASD.

Yes, she is my best friend along with my sister. I would want it pointed out to me too if I wouldn't like the photo. It was my nieces reaction which has made me think I am doing something wrong.

She's told me my face looks weird in pictures and to do it again! Or when I was newly post partum and taking pics at the christening she told me if I wouldn't like my stomach and to re take

I think it's very normal for sisters who are close to be like this. My sister specifically asks me for feedback as she knows I'll be 100% honest. If she doesn't want an honest take, she tells me and I tell her she's fabulous.

I read this as a joke between you and your sister bit natural and good your niece would respond like this because she doesn't know your banter. Just let your sister explain it to her, that lovely she did the tight thing and defended her Mum but as sisters it's a joke between you both.