To tell my sister her arm looks ''fat'' in communion photo? - Light hearted

[pontipinemum]

This is pretty light hearted and I know my sister appreciated it.

It was my nieces communion over the weekend.

My sister - her mum. Looks beautiful! But I know she usually hates her arms in photos.

In the run up to the communion, I watched a few videos to find poses for her to so her arm didn't look 'fat' and taught them to her that morning. I took most her pics and got her to re-do any I knew she wouldn't like her arm in.

Our niece (age 20) took a photo of me and sis. I looked at it and said, 'we need to re do it, you won't like your 'fat' arm (eyeroll)' - because her arm is fine she just doesn't like it.

20yr old was I wouldn't say shocked but a bit miffed I had told sis that. And said you can't say that to people.

YABU - Don't say anything - and let her dislike the photo

YANBU - Do say it - so we can re take the photo

I would never wear sleeveless tops or dresses because I was so self conscious of my arms. Having discovered exercises that have toned my arms more I will now at least wear short sleeves.

So I totally sympathise with your sister and Iwould certainly be extremely upset and have my confidence knocked by any comments about my arms. I think that was quite a cruel thing to say.

I think I missed a very key part in my OP. She wanted me to tell her if I thought she would not like her arm in photos

She picked a sleeveless dress. It was stunning IMO

This is the sort of thing one of my sisters would say. I don't see her any more, nasty cow. All wrapped up in can't you take a joke/you're too sensitive.

I see.

If she wanted you to tell her then fair enough.
But if she looked stunning it seems that telling her her arms looked fat is still pretty cruel and reinforcing her insecurities about them.

Specifically highlighting something your sister is already self-conscious about in a derogatory way is hurtful and unnecessary. There are ways to say "take another pic" in a more tactful way. You could learn from your niece...

• *i think it's just a bit harsh really.. like it's kinder to say "of course your arms don't look fat, you look stunning!" Rather than telling her "yeah you're right, you do look fat we need a new picture".

I would not be going along with such crazy, disordered thinking from my sister, no. And I certainly wouldn't be complicit in drawing my young niece into that bullshit either.

You think you're helping your sister but you're really not.

Your niece sounds like a nice young woman, it's good that she can stand up to what she thinks could be a hurtful comment towards her aunt.

If she's already self-conscious your "joke" probably won't have been taken as such. You could just have taken more pictures without calling her fat.

Did she ask you to teach her the poses? Quite a weird thing to do if not.

The most important thing about any Holy Communion is how fat/slim the mother's arms are.

So YANBU.

Not nice at all, but you know this don't you @pontipinemum ?

So you think her arms look fine, and yet you've scoured the Internet to "teach" correct "poses" to her? Not really adding up.

I agree with your niece. She sounds nice.

Since there was an ongoing discussion about her arms and her not liking them in photos it was OK. Would be rude otherwise. But you could have just said 'I'm happy with how I look, DSis, are you?'.

I understand where you’re coming from. You and your sister clearly have a relationship where she’d accept a comment like that from you and you make it clear that you think she looked stunning.

However, if she’s gotten this paranoid about it, you pointing out that she won’t like a photo because of it, is only reaffirming to her that there is indeed something wrong with her arm and now you can see it too. Whereas if you’d just said ‘what a lovely photo, sister you look beautiful’ there’s a chance she’d accept it and think ‘maybe it’s not as bad as I believe it to be’. And if she definitely wouldn’t, then maybe your comments are contributing to that.

Thanks everyone I am genuinely taking all your comments on board.

Yes I thought I was helping her by looking up poses. I did it out of love even if it doesn't sound like it.

She calls it her "fat arms".

I know without a doubt which photos she will not like - it's when her arm is flat against her body.

Because it was an important event I wanted to make sure she has the pictures she actually wants.

In future should I say nothing?

If she has specifically asked you, I'd say it's fine, although if it's in front of others you could have said it more tactfully like "would you like to check the pic, sis?".

Yes it's a bit silly when you hate a certain thing about yourself, but it's also really annoying when you get a photo taken at an event that would have been lovely except for that one thing. Especially if that thing could have been easily fixed. It's so frustrating.

For example, I hate when I'm smiling too much in a weird way in a photo. I've love it if my sister said "hmm let's take it again and do a soft smile this time".

No I think you need to ask your sister to tell her daughter that she has asked you to do this as your niece was clearly upset because she thought you were being mean to her mum. I have asked my sister to go through important photos with me and be RUTHLESS but it is something that could be misunderstood by someone else overhearing.

This is a completely unnecessary thread though, isn't it?

You and your sister had a conversation in which your sister communicated her position on this to you and you followed that.

Your 20 year old niece was unaware of that conversation or your sisters position and so said it was rude to comment.

Neither of you was wrong.

In future should I say nothing?

Why would you ignore your sisters explicit request in the future based on whether completely strangers would want to be told or not? 🙄

I would say something along the lines of 'your arms look fine' and stop buying into the craziness. You are reinforcing her negative body image. If she wants to pose in particular ways that's her business but I absolutely would not be going along with it. Drawing your niece into it just means the next generation is also being taught to be hypercritical of their bodies. It's toxic.

You could have achieved the same result without mentioning her arm in front of everyone

”let’s get another photo for luck” - something like that.

There’s always someone looking the wrong way or with their eyes closed so I think nobody would have thought twice about a second photo and nobody would have been upset about your sister’s arm.

If someone calls themselves fat it doesn’t mean they are giving permission to anyone else to do likewise. Not really. Even if they laugh about it.

It’s good DN called you out on it, it really isn’t great you said that in front of her (a young adult), even if your DSis and you have a mutual understanding. YABU.

My sister told me when I was a teenager that I had arms like tracker tyres and I’ve had a thing about my arms ever since. I am now 67 . It’s hurtful and unkind.