to feel like my DM has completely whitewashed my childhood?

[olaay]

I didn’t have a great childhood. Both my DM and DF would hit me and my brother. DM was constantly shouting, irritated by us doing normal child things, and both parents expected total obedience all the time. Home felt tense a lot of the time and I left at 18 because I found it unbearable living there.

They divorced years ago and I only really see DM occasionally now. I have DC of my own and something that really gets to me is the way she talks now, as if she was this amazing parent who got everything right.

She often talks about how she “brought up her children so well.” Meanwhile, my actual memories are of being scared of getting shouted at, trying not to upset anyone and walking on eggshells a lot of the time.

If my DC make a mess in the car from snacks, she’ll comment about how spotless she kept her car at all times. But we were never even allowed to eat in the car because she would get angry. If toys are everywhere, she’ll comment on how tidy she kept the house and how her children “knew better.”

It’s like she has rewritten history into this version where she was endlessly calm, organised and patient, instead of someone who frightened us half the time. I’m not saying I’m a perfect parent myself but I try very hard not to make my DC feel scared of me the way I often felt growing up.

What bothers me most is the total lack of acknowledgement. Not even “I was stressed” or “I wish I’d handled things differently.” Just this constant narrative about what a good parent she was and how well behaved her children were.

The hardest part is that if I ever challenge any of it or mention how things actually felt growing up, she gets angry immediately. There is absolutely no room for any version of events except hers. Even mild disagreement turns into defensiveness or rage, so over time I’ve mostly stopped saying anything.

I’m not claiming she was evil or that there were never good moments. But I do find it really difficult hearing someone constantly praise their own parenting when your actual experience of that parenting was fear, shouting and walking on eggshells.

OP you have done so well to parent so differently and to see her mistakes and to try and address them. A person so rigid and blinkered that they did t understand then probably lack capacity to do so. They are still controlling every narrative and reacting with anger. It’s a disappointment when we see people to always grow but instead calcify. Protect yourself and find ways to reduce her impact on you now whether through boundaries, therapy, reducing contact etc

You’re not going to get any acknowledgement or self-insight here, OP. Just congratulate yourself on having the emotional intelligence to parent your children differently.

I'm having a similar experience with my dm now and it's really eaten at me to the point I'd be crying over it. I just had a baby 4 weeks ago and I've a 1 year old. We also lost twins 2 and a half years ago in the NICU. My dm hasn't rang once since my recent baby was born and that was after I told her I was seeing a perinatal bereavement councellor as my recent baby's birth has triggered a lot of grief. My dm never asks after grand children and tries to micro manage my life in other areas. She loves going on about how bad other parents are now and how great she was. I have to bite my lip so much during this.

It gets to a point where you are so worn out. The only thing that works for me is I know the type of parent I'll want to be to my children, everything she is not as harsh as that seems. I want to be there emotionally for them, love them andlisten to them. Op, you are already doing all this. Nothing hits as hard as when you become a parent yourself and you realise your own parents arent perfect. And thats ok and normal but its not normal when they are tearing you down.

Your mum isn’t displaying any remorse for your childhood, or agreeing with your memories of your childhood, because in her eyes she DID bring you up well. I mean - she DID keep the house tidy and you DID know how to behave - she just doesn’t understand that ruling through violence and fear isn’t acceptable.

You have done brilliantly to escape from this and to see that your mum’s methods were wrong. You won’t ever change her though. Once you accept this it will get easier

Do you think she actually believes she was wrong in the way she brought you up?

My parents would smack me if I had been naughty, and toys were mainly kept upstairs in our bedrooms not cluttering up downstairs. But this was pretty normal upbringing in the era I was brought up. I don’t think we had snacks in the car, only travel sweets! I love my parents.

Now your DM seems to have been at the far end of that scale and home was a scary place. But if she talks to her peers and they say they parented in a similar way to mine she might think she was the same as them, not realising that there was much more violence and fear in your home

More or less why I haven't seen dm since 2012...

My mum is the same. Whenever I would mention how tough I was finding it I’d get “well I had 3 of you and I just got on with it”

She very definitely did not “just get on with it”

This.

She was and is toxic. She won't accept that just continue to criticise you from the side.

Sorry to hear you're going through this, OP. It's very hard to hear a parent completely revise history. The thing is, you know the truth. And she knows you know. That's why she gets so defensive and angry.

Don't expect her to ever admit it or acknowledge it. she won't change.

All you can do is live your best life and continue to parent in the opposite manner to that of your mother.

It's normal for her to have different memories of your childhood to you.

Her memory: I kept the car spotless despite having messy young kids
Your memory: I was terrified of mum so never ate in the car

Both memories are correct, but you are valuing different things. She values a spotless car higher than her kids not being scared.

Expecting her to thing she did something 'wrong' and wasn't a good mum is not going to happen for as long as she thinks having a spotless car is the pinnacle of parenting.

I very much relate to what you're saying. As a child/teen I was encouraged to mock/laugh at other kids who didn't know how to behave, who questioned their parents, who would dare to do xyz (very normal things like leave some of their dinner or have a messy bedroom etc). There was abuse and neglect too, so my understanding of normal was warped and very different from my peers'. I did behave, and when I later confronted my parents about it, I was told I was trying to rewrite history. People tell us we can't win in this situation, and I get it, but we can - the way we win is by breaking the cycle, recognising it wasn't our fault, and parenting our kids differently - exactly what you're doing. ❤️

Both are true. Just different truths, her house was tidy her children were obedient, all true and she probably parented the way many parents did at the time. The OP remembers it as being scared to not be obedient and keep things tidy, also true. It's just that what we consider normal parenting has changed.

The irony is she took great offence when I had my first dc that I 'allowed 'my df to be dgf given he was a useless df..
She was' allowed' to be dgm yet had been a bloody awful one..
She flounced from my home in 2000 and didn't return until 2010. . I had had more dc. She didn't like 1 of their names so used another!!
Whispering in corners and asking the dd's to keep secrets..
So out of our lives I sent her... In 2012. She won't be back.

Just as well you don’t see much of her OP she’s not much of a loss.

“Just this constant narrative about what a good parent she was and how well behaved her children were.”

OP, I can well imagine that it’s very wearing. There’s no such thing as a perfect parent - we all do our best, but sometimes all of us fall short, and hindsight is a wonderful thing. You are being a better parent to your DC than your DM was to you, so rejoice in that fact, and let her tales of mother of the year wash right over your head.

YABU, because you are flogging a dead horse, she will never change and she will never be the mum you need. She wasn't capable then, she isn't capable now, and she may try to treat your own children poorly if she's given any leeway.

However, it is usually a slow and very painful process to realise all this, and I am sorry you have it all on your plate ❤️
The knowledge that it was bad, and subsequently choosing to raise your own kids in a safe and loving environment is the bittersweet gift she has given you. The clarity, leading to the end of that toxic cycle, which has unfortunately come at the huge cost of your childhood and adult peace.

With therapy you can learn to "parent" your own inner child. To imagine going back in time and soothing her, telling her she is not wrong or bad. It is surprisingly powerful in helping with how you feel today.

I would honestly cut contact right down..maybe even to nothing, if you're not strong enough currently to deal with her lack of care and her rewriting of your childhood,l/her personality as a parent. You owe her nothing, you owe your kids everything, and if this is what it costs to be a safer happier parent, it's 100% worth cutting ties.

My mother is similar, and when she makes comments I scoff at her. I just don’t allow it, I don’t allow her to bullshit about mine and my siblings childhood.

She hates it, but what is she going to do? Smack me like she did when I was little and scare me lol. I’m bigger now and I would knock her on her arse. Mother or not.

I don’t smack my children and they’re not scared of me, I swore I would be different and I am.

What was her childhood like?

It was mostly her and her DM with siblings. Her DF worked away for most of her childhood and wasn't home much. Grandma was lovely and very gentle. DM was not hit as a child. As a child I remember grandma coming to stay. DM would start shouting at me for something and then I would run to grandma who would tell DM to leave me alone.

Your DM sounds very much like mine. A complete rewrite of history. My mum told me and my sister on a weekly basis how she wished she'd never had children as it had ruined her life. Like you, my sister and I were quiet, well behaved and studious, but it still wasn't enough for my mum as she wanted to ignore, chastise and violently punish us in private but be able to boast about us in public.

I never had a loving relationship with my mum and left home at 17 to escape her. As an adult I gave up challenging her on how my childhood had really been, as she'd turn on the waterworks and tell me I was hateful to say such things. I had some therapy and just vowed that I would be a very different kind of parent - which I was/am. As an adult I tried to let her constant criticising wash over me but would not tolerate her upsetting my DC with her nastiness.

I ended up seeing very little of her at all. When she died last year, I hadn't seen her for over a year and didn't feel guilty about it.

I think you can't manage your mother's version of reality OP, but you can manage your reaction. I'd see her as little as possible because she will not suddenly change into the mother you always wanted.

Don’t we expect as adults to do some self reflection of our past behaviour? To look at our actions and if someone points out where they might have been problematic, to think on it? Regardless of your values, if your children turned round to you years later and said “yes but we were miserable, we were terrified and we hated it” would you stand by your opinion that you were a great parent? What is a person saying about themselves if they value the happiness and security of their children less than having a clean car?

The bigger problem here is, this isn’t about OP just wanting her mother to accept her flaws, she is asking for her parenting not to be judged by her mother’s warped standards.

My daughter is 17, we’ve had conversations about the things we did when she was younger that bothered her. Ours is a bit more than standard parenting, we had to make decisions for her because she is disabled and there is no parenting book for that! We have apologised for the things we realise might not have been the best decision, taken her views on board and some decisions we stand by, other we don’t. We had some tough times and I know there were definitely times where I fell short as a parent. She knows I accept that, and she is ok with it. She may change her mind later and decide there are things she struggles with, I’m open to that conversation. She will inevitably parent in a way she feels is fixing my mistakes. Good on her, that will mean she is a better parent than I was. I want that for her and her future children.

Why are you even in contact with her? I wouldn’t be.
i think some people feel as they’re related to people they are duty bound which isn’t the case at all.
you know what they say - you can choose your friends but you can’t choose your family and this is the same with this scenario.

be kind to yourself, prioritise you and your kids you sound a lovely Mum there is no space for this in your life.

Different narrative with my DM but very similar in the way she looks at what happened in the past compared to my view of things. In my teens I was put on what seemed like endless unnecessary diets - in a way, it was a form of abuse but it took me a long time to see that. If I look at old photos from those years, I had a great figure & was most definitely not overweight. I’m pretty sure DM has an undiagnosed eating disorder & was reflecting that onto me 😢 I tried a few years ago to talk about it all with her (missing out how I would write awful comments describing how terrible I looked & how fat I was) but she ended up literally putting her hands over her ears as she walked away from me & DF intervened, having a go at me for upsetting her. It was always the same throughout my childhood. If DM was upset then nobody else got to put their side. DF defended her to the hilt. Her unhealthy attitude to food has also affected DD17 but again when I tried to discuss it, DM was in denial & insisted that it was DD who brought up the subject as they were studying nutrition at school. I remember both myself & DD being given articles about different foods that DM & sometimes DF had cut out of magazines & DM referred to sugar as “ the white devil”. I was in my 50s & she still told me off for having a 2nd biscuit!
Basically OP as pps have said, you can’t change your Mum but you can change your reaction & you know your truth. I have had some counselling which actually wasn’t for the food issues but childhood trauma did come up & I feel I need to go deeper for my own peace of mind. I’m not a bad person but I felt as if I must have done something wrong. Do you feel you might benefit from counselling?

My mum used to enjoy beating us as payback for normal child behaviours or accidents and she told me I'd do the same to mine. She yelled and caused arguments every single day. She is a textbook narcissist. I do not speak to her and never will.

Does she realise that you felt nervous and on eggshells?

She probably thinks she did well because parenting in those days was judged by the standards of how obedient and well-behaved children were - and you behaved.

You could either have a conversation about this (but probably won’t change her mind) or just accept that there is a generational gap here and let her get on with it.

I have always talked openly with my parents about the differences in parenting norms and acceptable children’s behaviour since I grew up. I was brought up extremely strictly, but I know my parents were doing what they thought was right at the time and we get on very well.