to feel like my DM has completely whitewashed my childhood?

[olaay]

I didn’t have a great childhood. Both my DM and DF would hit me and my brother. DM was constantly shouting, irritated by us doing normal child things, and both parents expected total obedience all the time. Home felt tense a lot of the time and I left at 18 because I found it unbearable living there.

They divorced years ago and I only really see DM occasionally now. I have DC of my own and something that really gets to me is the way she talks now, as if she was this amazing parent who got everything right.

She often talks about how she “brought up her children so well.” Meanwhile, my actual memories are of being scared of getting shouted at, trying not to upset anyone and walking on eggshells a lot of the time.

If my DC make a mess in the car from snacks, she’ll comment about how spotless she kept her car at all times. But we were never even allowed to eat in the car because she would get angry. If toys are everywhere, she’ll comment on how tidy she kept the house and how her children “knew better.”

It’s like she has rewritten history into this version where she was endlessly calm, organised and patient, instead of someone who frightened us half the time. I’m not saying I’m a perfect parent myself but I try very hard not to make my DC feel scared of me the way I often felt growing up.

What bothers me most is the total lack of acknowledgement. Not even “I was stressed” or “I wish I’d handled things differently.” Just this constant narrative about what a good parent she was and how well behaved her children were.

The hardest part is that if I ever challenge any of it or mention how things actually felt growing up, she gets angry immediately. There is absolutely no room for any version of events except hers. Even mild disagreement turns into defensiveness or rage, so over time I’ve mostly stopped saying anything.

I’m not claiming she was evil or that there were never good moments. But I do find it really difficult hearing someone constantly praise their own parenting when your actual experience of that parenting was fear, shouting and walking on eggshells.

Yes she knew me and my brother were nervous and on eggshells.

She had a very different childhood herself. She was not hit and shouted at by her parents.

You won’t get an apology or acknowledgment because she had the parenting experience she wanted. How she got there is irrelevant. All that matters is the results , not the effect it had on you and your siblings or how she got those results. She doesn’t see anything wrong with it because she got what she wanted .

BoredZelda mine had 3 of us and would tell how she just got on with it as
a single parent, how she was a feminist, when this was abject nonsense -
she was nothing of the sort, a sahm housewife, never worked, had housekeeping
money and required to keep an accounts book, until a legacy at age 60 meant she opened her own bank/building society account, a revelation to her!

This necessitated my sister taking her to the bank and sitting with her
for guidance, same in the BS as her concentration waivered. Some feminist.

When I bought a house with my erstwhile partner, she asked would I stop working?
I said no of course not, we have a mortgage to pay and I need new boots - her waspish response was - “well if you were married, he’d have to keep you” - she
had no idea, that feminist.

She never drove, didn’t fly until she was in her fifties, then only to the Canaries,
was an unaccomplished, old fashioned, timid, sharp tongued woman whose few friends could never effect a cultural or intellectual challenge.

She resented my father away once a month to Germany on business and
leaving her to ‘cope’ We were young teens by then it isnt as though she was
required to look after us physically, we were all quite capable by then.
How did she think we lived, paid bills, had holidays, etc.

Mine is no longer with us.
I only ever remember her when threads such as this appear.

Over the years I have had many exchanges here on the subject of mothers,
screenshot the poignant posts, amazed at the similarities, sad at the
intentional cruelty, pleased with myself that I resolved to be a better mum,
which wouldn’t be difficult and believe I was.
My 3 say I was tough but fair - I genuinely was a single mum the youngest
just 5, as sometimes we don’t have a choice in this circumstance, but do our
best, a great deal more than ‘cope’

I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to not say something.

My mother behaved and used words that had a profound impact on me. I challenged her and guess what she has 'no idea' what im talking about.

I found it liberating yet also boggling to think something that hurt me and mattered so much has had zero impact on her. It made me laugh out loud but did help my healing journey in the end.

are you my sister?

a post full of wisdom, thank you

It wasn’t normal parenting back then. She terrorized her child and is completely oblivious to her child’s inner world and experience. I wasn’t raised that way (65) and neither were my dds (29, 26). The mother OP describes was controlling, abusive, and focused then and now on outside validation and not on her child’s safety or development.

Then and now she ignores her real child and substitutes herself and her need for praise as the perfect mother for authentic, loving, connection with her child.

Thank you ❤️

Sadly my actual sister took a different approach to me. By the age of about 8 I'd realised I was a total disappointment (for example one of my many failings and embarrassments to my mother was me needing to wear glasses from age 6) and just dreamed of being old enough to escape. My sister on the other hand spent her whole life trying and failing to please my mum by doing everything she wanted, which of course was never enough. She lived next door to my mum her whole adult life. Just to ramp up the torment my mother would then tell my sister how she preferred me, despite me stopping engaging in her games many decades ago. This meant that my sister and I have also had a difficult relationship.

At my mother's funeral my sister was in floods of tears and admitted this was because she'd finally had to admit she'd never have the mother she'd craved. I found that heartbreaking. I felt nothing if I'm honest, except maybe a slight sense of relief that she had gone from my life.

Hmm that resonated with me. Me not asking for help in the night when I was ill as a young child and just sorting myself out was seen as evidence of how good I was - reality was I would be terrified to go into their room at night for various reasons - if my child when younger had done that and not asked for help I'd be thinking what have I done wrong that they didn't come to me for support.?

They praised themselves and their parenting as I never had tantrums or was naughty - that was apparently because I once stamped my feet , when I was two and my dad belted me. So yes I was well behaved but that's because I was scared and they were brilliant at using a shame based approach (that's how their marriage operated). They would laugh and tut at other kids having tantrums and I believed they were right and how awful these kids were. I also realise now that she spent a lot of time praising herself, not just parenting, anything really.

My advice op, either see her less so vote with your feet or, if you have to see her then have an internal bingo card of shit mother says and see how long it takes her. Observe her like an animal in the zoo.

My friend always says - to you (the child) it was a profoundly upsetting incident, to them it was a Wednesday.

The problem is that the kind of emotionally unintelligent parent that does this stuff won't suddenly gain insight. It's like asking a snake why it bit you rather than just getting as far away as possible from the snake.

Blimey girl no advice only empathy. You sound very self aware and realistic. She sounds difficult and sl though she hasn't changed. She lacks self awareness and is defensive. Good for you still having a relationship with her given the circumstances.

I would be tempted to write her a letter with a reality check in it guess that could cause more problems.

Ultimately my respect to you and well done parenting the way you do given your upbringing.

I find with my mother it is wise not to expect anything. That way I won't (continue to) be disappointed. It's why i always comment on posts on here from parents who have challenges with young adult or adult kids and trot out the "they had a great childhood, no trauma". How can one be so certain about another's experience. At best a parent can say I tried my best but I know I got it wrong so may times.

I would have to say thing as well.

’no, we didn’t do xyz because you hit us and we were scared of you, have you forgotten?!’

Threads such as these are MN at its very best
for which I am thankful, the cathartic effect
invaluable,
the self awareness and eloquence shown,
the counsellor/therapist fees superfluous
thank you all

At best a parent can say I tried my best but I know I got it wrong so may times.

I agree but there is a difference between being sworn at and hit like me and my brother were and told we were bastards as children.

And a difference between getting it wrong as a parent which I have done also but no where near that kind of level that was inflicted on me.

Think you've missed the part where the OP says her mum gets angry and defensive when she tries to talk about it.

You can't have an adult "oh we see things differently/norms have changed" conversation with someone like that.

OP, YANBU unreasonable. I hope you find a way to manage this. Still looking for one myself. While I no longer feel the need for my parents to actively acknowledge how they raised us, I also can't tolerate the selective memories/rewriting history. And even the slightest pushback from me results in such reactivity, I end up feeling even worse.
Good luck to us all hey!

I worked as a therapist with an incredibly damaged woman. She had been vilely abused as a child and was pretty crazy in lots oof ways. We started therapy (mandated) with her screaming abuse at me.

She had a terrible relationship with her own son,and had told him when he was a child that she had “found him in a rubbish bin” but could not understand how that had profoundly crushed him.

I really liked her and we got along well. But she was just incapable of anything more than rudimentary functioning and reasoning. She could act and react but she could not pause and reflect or change her behavior.

My mother is very similar, not physically abusive but very psychologically abusive- I found the only way to deal with it was not to talk about the past, I would challenge if she brought it up- if she got angry , tough.
When she says you knew better when seeing your children's behaviour say "yes but you hit us so we had to do what we were told" That will bring it to a head she will either deny it or say you should hit your kids- either way you have won. Should she deny it say well I'm afraid you can't see your grandchildren until you can accept your behaviour as a parent.
Don't expect your mother to change- mine is 87 and has a terminal diagnosis , she still maintains she wzas a perfect perent. You have to find your limit for this bullshit , and stick to it.

When I was a kid I was beaten. I dont mean the odd slap which was common in the 1950s and early 1960s. I mean beaten with a belt or fists. My father had a very violent temper. Later my mother told me I had imagined it. When I discussed this ltaer with a friend she said "Well I didnt imagine you coming to my house with bruises
and big hand prints on your arms". She validated my experience. When I tried to talk to my mother and sister about what happened they blanked me and denied me my own reality. After that I went low contact.

Maybe the frequency of contact with your DM should be reduced from occasional to practically never. She doesn't bring anything positive to your life and she has re-written history and insists that her version of events is correct.

That must be both annoying and upsetting. Having your own children can often shine a light on the the way you were parented and bring back painful memories. Your mum will never acknowledge her parenting failings and will continue with her self-praise and congratulations so I'd give her a wide berth.

My mother does that too. A total rewrite of my childhood where she becomes some kind of cross between Mary Poppins and Mother Teresa. The truth is……very far from that.
But, I’ve done the work and I’ve processed it, it’s her problem not mine. I very deliberately became someone who is nothing like her and I’m proud of that. She however is very disgruntled that I keep her at very arms length (after basically ignoring me for the entirety of my childhood, other than to tell me how very disappointing I was and how I’d never amount to anything. Safe to say, I’ve surprised her and she’s pissed off about that 🤣)

She knows very little about my life. I’m happy, she’s not. That’s the way it goes.

My estranged father is the same. Absolutely no idea why I won’t talk to him and I’m “not right in the head” meanwhile he was an angry temperamental bully I was terrified of and hated from a young age

Consider NC

Children were bought up differently in different times. Best just get on with life, and do better with your own kids. Rehashing the past achieves nothing.

I had a lot of comments about tidiness and how our house was spotless as kids but mine with my kids is a “total tip”. There are other examples too. Like PPs I value other things so yep my house is messier (it’s never a “total tip” but it’s not a show home).

I just started saying “yeah, I have a different focus, for me it’s more about: teaching my child how to bake/enjoying watching them play with craft materials/wanting them to feel soothed by the sand or flour or whatever/letting their dexterity develop with different tasks (etc). My focus isn’t on being super tidy”. And then stop. No further explaining.

Ditto my kids had to eat in the car as we travelled longer distances than in my childhood, again I have said things like “yeah we do eat in the car. It doesn’t bother me in the same way it bothered you. We’re all different”

if the digs continued I just kept up “we have different values / my focus is different you yours” dialogue.

Apologies if you have said this and I missed it but when were you born / brought up.

I could have written your post with how I was brought up. I've had therapy around this and it's helped but I still struggle with my relationship with my mum. I tend to grey rock her now if I find it all too much and keep her at arms length.