To not feel the same about DP anymore?

[Gretasmyname]

To my shame I've found a similar thread of mine(but worse) from 10 years ago!! Been with DP many, many years and have 4 Dc. 3 teens , one older.
Overall happy. He's a good bloke, if a little grumpy. Works hard. What you see is what you get.
Affectionate to me, pays me compliments.
I love him. He loves me. I'd say he's happier with me than I am with him😏
He just seems to have zero interest in much. Not in a depressed way. Just nothing he's crazy about doing. I don't think we would go anywhere if I didn't suggest it. He likes family holidays but only sunshine breaks, nothing too far flung or adventurous. I ant to see the world!!!! Doesn't really like going out as such.

He hasn't made much effort over the years to please me or accommodate my interests. Although as the kids are growing up, he is changing a bit.

I just feel that I do my own thing more now . Go away with my siblings and friends for the things that i like.
I kind of think that this is okay and we get different things from different people.
But I do worry about the life that we will lead once all dc leave home.
I don't really want to do things as a couple, which sounds bad.
I'm not unhappy and I don't want to split up.
I guess perimenopause is adding to this.
Is this how relationships go after 30 years. I can't work out if I am unreasonable or not.
And whether I will overcome this.
If i tried to talk he would say he's OK. He's happy. And I'm making a fuss about nothing.

I think it’s ok to let your relationship shift over time. He’s not stopping you doing anything, he’s just happier doing his own thing as are you.

Something I’m noticing as we’ve semi retired, is that time is much less pressured. We can do all the things, not have to choose between my priorities and his.

So I don’t have to move back to my old area, because I can visit as often as I want now. I can do all the craft/sewing/art courses, and still spend time with him.

So the situation which looked really daunting- managing our separate interests and managing spending a lot of time together with no distractions, has actually been fine.

Can you do the things you want to do alone and still be in a couple?

Just go with it. If you are happy together then why change? I understand that you want to do different things but as you said, you can do those things with other people. Happiness and contentment is so important and the grass isn’t always greener

No he's definitely not stopping me doing anything. I just wish that he would compromise more and do some things that I like to please me.
I'd happily go along with anything he likes or wants to do. Except there is nothing that he wants to do!!!!!

I’ve been married over 30 years, and I’m very similar to you, only difference is that I don’t love him and I’ve wanted to divorce many times but never had the guts to do it. We do nothing together.
I do my own thing as I’m sick of waiting for him to get up (he’s retired) and I go away once a year with a friend for a week.
I dread the time when we have to go away together ( currently can’t due to dog) as I’ve no desire to lie on a sun bed for a week or two now, and I’ve no desire to share a room with him (separate rooms at home).

Maybe. I think that. There's certainly nothing concrete that I can put my finger on.
Although, there are some big trips abroad that I'd love to do which he won't con̈sider. Things that friends maybe couldn't accommodate. How do I navigate that as I'd have to go alone. I don't mind this in theory, but I'd like to share it with someone. I can go places and do things with Dc now but that won't continue forever.

I feel a bit like you but not as bad.🙁
We don't have separate rooms and we do still have sex, but quite infrequent compared to how we used to. I've lost my sex drive very slightly but that could be improved! He does show me affection but then i get very annoyed at his lack of consideration in other areas and that puts me off.
It's not that I wouldn't do things as a couple (like holidays). I just can't see it happening. If he has no interest now, I cannot see him suddenly, once retired, being enthusiastic. If anything, he will be less so.

You can always do a solo trip, there’s lots online. Would one of the children go with you? Or all of them?

I’d look at going to those far flung places with the kids while you still have them at home.

@Mattsmum2
Yes the children would absolutely go with me. And they do!!
But I worry I am going to be lost the day when they don't want to.
He will either still not want to do anything (most likely)
Or suddenly be enthusiastic (unlikely) which will also annoy me if he expects me jump for joy at suddenly showing interest in things that I like!!!!!

Is his job stressful? I have no me Tal energy left for excitement because I’m ’used up’ by the everyday stuff. When I work fewer hours, I am definitely more amenable to excitement!

Not particularly no. He's very laid back overall. Just doesn't like doing much. Watching tv and sport and generally being a middle aged man!

@PersephoneParlormaid
I think that you're right. I can't see him suddenly, once retired wanting to travel the world if he can't be arsed now.

You might be surprised.

Does he have quite a high pressure or busy job? Is he generally quite an introverted person?
My mum was very worried about my dad retiring and doing nothing, while she was definitely a lot more outgoing and adventurous. In fairness, the first 6 month to a year were as she’d feared! But then it was like he’d had time to recharge from 40 years of work (and he’d had a high pressure job that didn’t appear to be a problem for him, but evidently took all his energy!) and suddenly he was ready to do stuff. He got involved in lots of the community things my mum had been involved in and he’d never shown any interest before. They’ve been on lots of trips he’d never have considered before, including some longer ones.

So it could go either way - some people do just let their world shrink in retirement, but not necessarily.

I think you've outgrown him, OP. If I'm reading you right, you want a different kind of companion now that you're mostly free of the child-rearing years. You'd prefer someone stimulating, adventurous, intellectually challenging. What you actually have is your DH.

I don't know what the answer is. If you split up with him, the chances are you may regret it, as you say he's basically a decent bloke. However, what you have now is a sort of half life. The middle ground is what others have suggested, I suppose: Start doing your own things more - try to find a group of friends who stimulate you more and who will go on holidays with you.

I do know how you feel, OP.

It sounds to me like you have a good man there. Nothing is ever perfect and grass is never greener. At least he sounds like the kind of husband that doesn't mind you going off and doing your own thing.

Are you peri, OP? Sounds like a bit of peri-restlessness.

Maybe you're just bored with each other, and maybe he's just a chap with not much 'get up and go'. But bear in mind that as a middle-aged man, he too will be adapting to (gradual) hormone changes, chiefly 1%decline in testosterone per year, from about age 40 onwards. The following is from the NHS website:

Common Symptoms
When testosterone falls below a critical threshold, it can lead to a variety of changes affecting multiple bodily systems:

Sexual Health: Reduced sex drive, erectile dysfunction, and weaker, less frequent erections.
Physical Changes: Loss of muscle mass, increased abdominal fat, reduced bone density (osteoporosis risk), and feeling physically weaker.
Mood & Energy: Constant fatigue, insomnia, poor concentration, irritability, and a general lack of motivation or enthusiasm.
Metabolic Changes: Increased cholesterol levels and a higher risk for cardiovascular disease and type 2 diabetes
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@MegMortimer
Thats exactly it.
A half life.
I feel mean
He's not done anything bad.
I feel he thinks by being generous, steady, reliable , complimentary is enough.
Even that I should be grateful that he treats me well ,almost. I could do worse.
I'm definitely planning a life along side this with friends. As he really doesn't meet my needs in some areas.

Yes I am
I'm on HRT which somewhat helps.

You love him, he loves you, your happy, you don't want to split up. You get to do the things you want to do, just not with your DH.
It sounds great to me, you seem to be really overthinking it.

I could have wrote this post a few years ago. Everyone I told blamed perimenopause. I decided to leave. He was heartbroken but I had to put my feelings first. I feel happier now

My husband was similar. He didn’t want go out anywhere ,to travel anymore, or do long haul
I went to various clubs and societies with friends. Then I started travelling with solo travel companies. Lots of ladies in the groups in a similar situation!
I’ve traveled the world, and he was happy that I had stopped trying to persuade him to go places.
OP ..life is short. Just go off and do things you want to do. I’m sure your DH would be happy with that too.

Thanks for the replies. I guess you're right. I suppose I can still do the things that I want, but not with him. I wish I'd known then what I know now. I'd never have committed. But now I'm settled i suppose.
I just think if he does start agreeing to do more once kids leave then I won't be happy though. A bit like too little too late

Thanks for the replies. I guess you're right. I suppose I can still do the things that I want, but not with him. I wish I'd known then what I know now. I'd never have committed. But now I'm settled i suppose.
I just think if he does start agreeing to do more once kids leave then I won't be happy though. A bit like too little too late