To hate parties and mingling and networking and schmoozing

[CurdinHenry]

I invariably come away feeling like people can always tell I'm a freak (no specific reasons for it, I make polite and interested small talk and express gentle enthusiasm for other people's stuff, my energy is just off, I think).

I am in my mid 40s and will always be bothered by this a bit but thank God I'm over the hump of being young and feeling the need to find my way.

I wonder what it's like to just go to events and not feel fear about it beforehand. It must be nice.

How did you meet your pals amd partner

Possibly dementia?

Friends/partners have been school, uni, work I don't think I have a single party friend??

Don't get me wrong I'm very grateful they've tolerated me

But how?

Op I'm sure you're fine in yourself. But people can tell if you don't want to be there/are just going through the motions.

There are many things in life I struggle with but this isn’t one of them. My job is relationship building and making conversation with people I don’t know every day so this feels very natural. I do find that I can slip into autopilot / work mode when I am not in work as it’s second nature to me. The only problem with this is that I think I do this on dates rather than being myself and people don’t necessarily get my authentic self!

Is it that you just dislike it or do you think you ‘aren’t good’ at it OP? Or both?

I just need someone to suggest OP is neurodiverse and then I think I’ve got a full house.

I`ve always hated it.
Its NOT peri NOT any sort of SEN either.
Im a home bug introvert whatever you want to call it.
Its not that i hate pepole i just dont want to be around them, forced chit chat that i couldnt give a shit for.
Polit convos but in the back of my head im thinking fuck sake how long do i have to be here with this lot.

If it is, I've had peri all my life.

I don’t like parties either. Just not good at small talk. Gonna tell my hubby soon that I am not doing this anymore. Working up to it.

I had a similar job and found I was good at the glad handing. I moved into a client service/interface role and it was great I could do this.

Now I am a miserable anti social arse hole..you don't want to be sat next to me at a social event unless I know you. I was very shy as a child

I learnt to fake it. The secret is that everybody, and I mean everybody, wants to talk about themselves. So you ask them questions like what do you do for a living, where do you live, do you like it there...add a bit if ego stroking like oh we wanted to live there but couldn't afford it...

I know completely cringe. But people think you are great company. Great at conversations even though you've only asked 4 questions and want to spend time with you.

For women I find the line "your hair is lovely, you must have a great hairdresser. It's my unforefilled ambition but I just don't have the courage to cut someone else's hair..." it just opens the conversation makes you seem somehow their inferior (people like to feel superior ) and you can get onto either the price of stuff, bad hairstyles you've had or again where they live

Most of the time you never get to see them again or only in similar situations

I remember a party may years ago where I hid in the toilet for an hour!!

That's how I used to play work networking events 🤣

I think I'm pretty normal at it but people find me weird. When I was younger I thought it was because of something I was doing (maybe a weird face or sthg) but now I think it's just my essence

Remembering my youth, everytime I had to attend a party or go to a club or restaurant I had huge huge anxiety. I can't express how much I detested it. I always was afraid that I will be talked about, I will embarass myself, dressing up I felt like a clown. I always felt judged, the gossipping of "she wore the same dress last time, how embarassing" added up to my anxiety. I had a good time with some people I liked but that was rare. I am old enough now to not give a shit if I hurt someone's feelings when I say no. It took me a long time to love myself more than I love others.

I used to enjoy socialising when I was in my 20s and 30s. Later as an academic I enjoyed the networking, the conferences and the parties. Once I retired I began to shun the company of other people, When you've dealt with customer and client groups all your life you get to feel youve done your bit for the community and back off.

I have had to do this for more than 25 years in career (average twice to three times a week), and sometimes out of work too (more sociable, more friends based, but still "events"). The more you do, the less challenging it is in some ways. In summary, I would say 75 % or more were OK in the end (and I have had some marvellous times). The benefits often outweigh the effort. My coping mechanisms go as follows, might not help, but might.

1. treat it "like work", this isn't great for some, but makes it more cope-able.
2. if you really can't face something, have your bullet proof excuse lined up ready as soon as the first mutterings are out there, don't dither . If you can only cope with one a week, choose.
3. Sort your transport and don't drink much - a glass in hand to be "sociable". Only if you are truly enjoying, then break the rule. Have the same-ish outfit for all of these things or a variation of, no-one actually cares.
4. Unless you are really going to offend or cause an issue, turn up late, and go home early. Leave without goodbyes, unless it is utterly rude. Nobody notices, and you won't be put under pressure. The last hour of any event is crap imo.
5. Don't get stuck with the oddballs, and there are some at every occasion, whether it is strong views, pissed people, transport problem people, politics (office or otherwise) obvious cliques, and so on, they cause bother, try and not get caught up.
6. Nothing wrong with the usual social graces, small talk , listening etc., you are just trying to find common ground, and, believe me, everyone suffers at this. Everyone is ultimately focused on themselves.
7. If you have to go up to a group of people that you do not know, do not fear it. Just say "do you mind if I join you", - you can add " I heard you talking about.... if you wish"....only the extremely rude (or occupied with a particular matter) will say no. You don't have to prove your worth instantly to these people, and most will welcome a new entrant to the conversation, an will even summarise / make you welcome.

Look, it isn't easy and plenty will say they cannot be bothered, but there are few occasions where I haven't had a good enough chat or time to justify the effort.

Hope this helps xxx

I just think that life is too short to go to stuff that you don’t want to go too.
Out of the work stuff with friends I’m more likely to go to but work stuff it depends on what it is.
if it’s a lunchtime meal at the cafe place/ pub or a restaurant nearby then yes I’ll go and be sociable
if however it is a big black tie ball for the nhs trust that costs me £80 a ticket in some fancy hotel, plus drinks and taxi and then an outfit spending loads of money and using my weekend for “networking or smoozing” then thats not what I’ll be doing.

For big corporate seminars and such mass gathering things, I often went and registered in the morning, chatted to the organisers, had coffee and mingled a bit before the opening (drone on look at how great I am) speeches by the heads, stayed for that and legged it after coffee break.

There weren't too many of these things, maybe four a year. I always stayed for the ones where my boss was there and would notice my absence but for the others I didn't care. No one ever commented so it just goes to show. BTW I had the day (s) schedule and timetable so I kind of knew the topics being discussed.

I reckon very few people come out of those events and remember everything, or anything about them! Most are for the purposes of networking and telling people how great they are.

I totally approve of this approach but I still wish I could handle things like most people seem to. If everyone was like us (ie cool) these events would never have been invented.

I love parties and mingling when they're with people I know and like, or people they know and like and will introduce me to, and the context is pleasure not work.

I absolute detest networking and schmoozing for professional reasons and am terrible at it IRL (or at least, I've never seen much direct benefit from IRL networking so I assume the people I was attempting to network with weren't impressed). Online networking is a different matter and that's where I've found a lot of professional success.

I've improved a lot at networking provided a mutual contact is there to make the introduction. I cannot introduce myself to someone I don't know in real life. Physically can't do it. Would rather die.

But surely it's not compulsory? Just say you will only go to the parts of the day that are business critical and part of your role. This was completely normal for senior leaders in the (very social / party central) media industry I used to work in. Most left around 6pm to put the kids to bed and let the young staff get on with it.

Also if you are in leadership you can start asking for evidence of the business need for such an event? It sounds expensive and in this day and age entertaining staff is not a priority for any business.

I can't think of anything worse than attending events like this. I'd rather gouge out my eyes with a teaspoon.

Is this the new adhd

I don't understand how some people get to be adults without experiencing these things as compulsory at least occasionally

I'm very fortunate my career no longer requires it but for a good while I would have been sacked for not playing along

Absolutely lucky ducks (although I do think sometimes it's been good to go outside my comfort zone)