Has anyone successfully kept a FWB situation *strictly* as that?

[worldshottestmom]

I’m over 1 year on from an abusive relationship and definitely do NOT want another proper relationship anytime soon. I'm in a good place and have been focusing on growth, I'm in therapy, I’m enjoying having my own space, doing what I want, and not having to factor someone else into every decision and just focusing on my kids.

That being said… I’m a very sexual person and am looking for a someone to have a casual sex-only relationship with. I have met a guy who I like, and I'm quite certain he likes me too. We get on really well, there’s chemistry, it’s easy and fun, and on paper it feels like the ideal FWB setup. My only reservation about him is that he's rather shy and let's me make all the moves. I much prefer a man who is forward and makes it known that he wants me. Bonus points if you can tell me if shy guys can be dark horses, because if not, I'll keep searching.

My main question is: how do you actually keep it at FWB? I feel like it’s very easy for these things to drift into relationship territory, I.e texting all day, spending time together, doing datey things, gradually building emotional expectations without ever having The Conversation.

I’m very clear with myself that I don’t want that, but I also know feelings/attachment can creep in when there’s regular intimacy and familiarity. So for those who’ve done this successfully:

• Did you have explicit rules/boundaries from the start?
• Did you avoid certain things (sleepovers, regular texting, meeting friends etc)
• Is it realistic to think two adults can keep it casual for any meaningful length of time? Or does one person almost always end up wanting more?

I have NEVER done this before, so would genuinely love to hear real-life experiences, whether it worked brilliantly or crashed and burned. And yes, before anyone says it, I know the obvious answer is “if you have to give it this much head space, don’t do it” — but I’m curious whether anyone has actually managed the mythical healthy, drama-free FWB arrangement. Also before anyone says it, no, I'm never going to introduce him to my kids and it's not going to hinder my ability as a mother. Yes, I'm ready for this, and have spent much time working on myself (and still am).

YABU - FWB never works and someone always develops feelings

YANBU - FWB can work without becoming a formal relationship

It doesn't sound like you're actually friends? I think it only works if you are already friends, and then start sleeping together. Otherwise it's just starting a potential relationship and seeing what happens - inevitably either the interest wanes or one/both parties get attached.

A mate and I were FWB for years. We'd stop when one of us was in a relationship.

Oh we are friends and have been for 3 years, should of mentioned that! I was in a relationship for the first 2 years so no moves made. Since leaving my ex it was obviously too soon, but now im ready. We've gotten very flirty, have eachother on socials etc... im just like waiting for him to make a move, but hes so shy its kinda jarring.

How did you keep it FWB? Was it just a mutual understanding neither of you wanted a relationship? And did you decide this beforehand, formally? I feel like he may be the more emotional kind but idk...

I had a FWB situation that worked very well.

I really liked him as a friend and he was easy on the eye. He reciprocated those feelings.

We lived about 250 miles apart but my work would occasionally bring me to his city, his work was the same in respect to my city.

For five years or so, we would meet up on the occasions we were in each other's city, we would have a meal a great laugh and sex.

Neither of us had any feelings other than we enjoyed each other's company and sex was good too.

This all happened nearly 40 years ago, but what I remember most about him was that he was a really good at friendship. The sex, while being thoroughly enjoyable, was almost incidental.

Sorry - I got pregnant by my FWB after a couple of months the and now we’ve been married for 14 years and have 3 kids!

Yes years ago but only really worked because there was nothing more to it than sexual attraction.

I'm not his type at all - he likes tall, blonde, model types and is as shallow as a puddle.

He's not my type as I prefer depth and intelligence.

Neither of us had a chance of catching feelings.
Both of us wanted no one to know.
We didn't spend any other time together.

For me, it doesn't work unless both of you are certain, you'll never ever consider each other as potentially more if circumstances were different.

I have a FWB and have done for a few years. I think the way it’s worked for us (well me, though it seems to work for him too) is that we often go a long time without seeing each other. I have quite a busy life style where as he doesn’t, he would probably like to see me more but doesn’t complain. We share a hobby which we do together but sometimes it’s just s#x. We live an hour apart so it’s not easy to just pop over for s#x so we see each other roughly once a month which works well for me.

It can work but it's difficult. I have one rule in place with my FWB that makes sure we remain friends and nothing more. It's worked pretty well.

Why are you expecting him to make the first move? You've been friends for years, and now you want to change that. How's he expected to know the rules have changed unless you actually tell him?

Perhaps you'd prefer a FB as opposed to a FWB. Easier that way.

It was difficult. I didn’t exactly get it right. But I was in a terrible place emotionally and knew that I absolutely could not get into a relationship. You sound more stable.

I only managed it at all by seeing multiple guys at a time. But I still caught feelings for him. It was very painful at times.

I don’t really see how it works. Either the sex is mind blowingly good, and you want more but can’t have it, or it’s meh, and you’re not too bothered either way? Neither sounds ideal.

This sounds perfect tbh! Im keen to maintain the friendship that we have, but thats what makes me worry it'll end up more of a relationship and idk how to avoid that. He seems quite a sensitive chap so I'm thinking he maybe wouldn't be right for this sort of arrangement

I had one that worked but we started off trying a relationship and realized we both irritated each other after about a day together - but we could do dinner and sex and enjoy each others company. So we both knew we didn’t want to be together.
Worked really well until I met someone.
I think you’d have to articulate to him what you want. If you don’t he’ll probably assume it’s the beginnings of a regular relationship and get hurt. Be up front and say you’re not looking for a partner but someone to hang out a bit and have sex with.

I mean, it could of turned out worse! I wouldnt mind getting into a relationship stemming from FWB like way further down the line if hes a decent guy. Im glad it worked out for you!

Hmmm, interesting point. When you put it like that, I feel like he would probably want something more eventually. The search continues!

This sounds like a pretty good set up! Do you not think he would perhaps want something more if he had the chance / lived closer / you had more free time?

I really don't want to fuck up my friendship with this guy as he is genuinely lovely. It's just my thought process is why cant we just fuck and enjoy the time and leave it at that. But hes younger and emotional and idk if he would have the emotional capacity to keep it that way.

Please tell me the golden rule 😭

What does he want? If he wants a relationship it would be cruel to try to keep it fwb. And it sounds like you could easily be pulled into a relationship too. Just because someone is initially shy it doesn't mean they can't be passionate, but it may be that they will get emotionally involved quickly if they haven't had many other relationships.

A few years ago I had a fwb. We are still friends now even though the sex hasn't happened for years. So yes it is doable ❤️

Had never heard of FWB back then (when I was in my 20s) but I had two 'boyfriends' where it was like that. One I met on holiday - he lived a long way from me, but we kept in touch (by letter!!) and his career enabled him to travel. We'd have sex whenever we met. He was gorgeous but not really my type. We never tried to turn it into anything but it was kind of romantic despite that. It fizzled out after several years, during which I had other bfs but didn't then consider it a bad thing to see him occasionally as I didn't take them that seriously.

The other I met at a club one night. We went on dates and the sex was good but he was only living in the UK temporarily and it was just a bit of fun to me. I only saw him when I had nothing else I'd rather do but he became too attached and stormed off one day, never to contact me again.

He knows because I've said it without saying it. I know hes picked up on this cue as it's only since then hes added me on socials, become more chatty, etc. I'm also very traditional and think men should do the courting/asking out. Though, I was thinking about this yesterday and was wondering if I should just bloody say it to him and get it over with. If he says no it's whatever for me. But I feel that If I do have to ask him first, it'll just reinforce this feeling I have that I'm the one making all the effort and give me a bit of an ick. Does that make sense? It sounds so stupid, because it is, but it's just the way my brain feels and I cant really help it.

Yes- he was a very good friend for ages before the FWB. We successfully did FWB for about 4 yrs and then we phased out the sex bit. We’re both in relationships now for years and he’s still pretty much my best friend. Trust him with my life, feel totally comfortable with him, and I think he’ll always be part of my life.

Wise words tbh thank you! I just don't know that I would be comfortable enough to be intimate with someone without having some sort of friendship first. Maybe I'll give it a try, who knows!

Ehk, tbh I fear this may happen for me as well, given how I am in general. In the past at least, I was always very volatile, but I feel that was due to such an prolonged period of abuse. I've never felt this way before where I've liked a guy but not wanted to be with him so this is all very new to me. If he's down, then I'm down, but now you've mentioned it, I'm thinking what if he's incredible and then I do want a relationship but have told him absolutely not. Or what if he's awful and I'm just left disappointed and inevitably hurt his feelings. Ugh.

I'm going out to buy 9 cats fuck this 😮‍💨

Solid advice, thank you! I think perhaps my lust is getting the better of me and I'm being a little too eager. I think I should probably draft a general idea of what to say to him beforehand to avoid any feelings being hurt. He really is lovely and I don't want to hurt him at all

Idk tbh because he's so bloody reserved! I think this may be why he likes me. I'm very confident and bubbly and he's very shy and timid. I think he likes the effect that I have on him. Very good end point, I feel that he would probably get emotionally invested rather quickly, and idk how best to make clear that I would only want to ever keep it as FWB. I was going to stress to him that it would be near impossible to have any sort of relationship even if we wanted to, due to me being the sole carer of my children. Im hoping that would drive the point home it has to only be sex. Perhaps I'll update the thread if any developments occur!