AIBU not to force my daughter who has EBSA back to school after overdose

[Abby23]

Have you had experience with your child displaying EBSA?. How did it end up?. Struggles/Success stories?. Any advice?

DD 14, an only child has been displaying EBSA for the past 18 months. She has friends but cannot deal with the structure of school. Attendance dropped so low so moved school and area for a fresh start. Day 2 of new school, gets home, seriously distressed and takes an overdose. luckily I caught her in time and we end up in hospital.

back at home, we are having daily sessions with CAMHS and taking it one day at a time. I have no intention of forcing her back to school. Prioritising mental health and possibly looking at online school with extra curriculum activities for social contact.

i suspect DD in on the ASD spectrum. It’s not obvious to the outside world as she does tend to mask a lot and is quite shy and does not say much.

unfortunately, one or two family members do not think mental health is real unless you walk naked in the street talking to yourself. They think DD should go back to school like most kids and learn to be resilient. They think she is entitled and the overdose was staged for attention.

i would appreciate your comments please. It’s incredibly stressful for me as a single mom.

Although this sounds incredibly hard, YABU for a thread where you use an unknown acronym/initialism without explaining what it is.

FYI for everyone else, Google tells me its Emotional Based School Avoidance.

Take your advice from the people working with her at camhs and trust your gut instinct.

ignore your family if they are so mh ignorant.

prioritise your child’s needs not their outdated opinions.

I don’t have a lot of advice I’m afraid (what is EBSA?) but just wanted to say I’m so sorry you’re family are so ignorant and lack so much understanding about MH. Luckily though, it’s not them who makes the decisions about what’s best for her, it’s you. And you sound like you’re doing a brilliant job in what must be a very difficult situation. I’d try and ignore your family, set a boundary that you do not want to discuss it and shut down the conversation everytime it comes up.

This!

Knew straight away what the acronym was.

don’t let your ignorance derail the thread of someone going through hell.

all of us can google if we don’t know what something means and all of us can offer support and kindness to this mother going through hell with her kid rather than attack her writing style.

It's a well known acronym. You must be living under a rock not to have heard of it.
so sorry to hear about your daughter OP. I would give her time to recover and contact the LA to discuss Section 19 provision in this case.

Jeez give her a break. No need to be pedantic 🙄

It does sound hard lets try and be kinder.

Thanks to @MyTwoSense it is not a widely known acronym at all and I have never heard of it.

I don't really understand where you get to the point of family giving those types of opinions. I wouldn't discuss her private information with anyone else OP. You are receiving professional help so just listen to those who know what they're talking about.

It’s an extremely well-known acronym in schools, social services and MH services; nobody working in a school or dealing with EBSA at home will be in any doubt what OP means.

OP, EBSA is extremely complex; autism/ADHD is only part of the picture. I always suggest to parents that they need to see the GP in the first instance, as CBT can help with lots of the core beliefs about school that autistic children have (invisible audience etc.).

Make a plan with the school for DD to spend small amounts of time in the inclusion base, acclimatising to the environment. She might not ever attend full time, so decide what you want to get out of this over the next couple of years. Get her input. Maybe core subjects and one thing she enjoys. Usually friends are a ‘pull’ factor into school, so make sure she keeps in touch with them.

Your family members get no say in this. You know your child best and are probably feeling pulled in two or more directions trying to keep everyones expectations and needs met. In one direction your child needs mental health respite from an environment she can not currently function in, in another you feel under an obligation to get her to school, you don't need to meet your families expectations, if anything they should be supporting you more.

I've been there and eventually de registered from school, but wasn't as knowledgeable about our rights for more help that might be available now.

You wouldn't return to work if it caused this much distress, you would be signed off sick until you recovered, or you would resign and look for alternative work.

Your child comes first. What does she want?

Try EMDR therapy. CBT will have little impact if she is neuro diverse.

You need an EHCP ..you can apply yourself
She needs a diagnosis of her autism and possibly ADHD
You are with CAMHs so they can add weight to these to push forward
Untill she's ready to return,she can have hospital school come to her home for lessons,or the lea can send home tutors
It's available,you just need to push for it
Long term ,there is on line school available,and all kinds re engagement groups through lea ..like working with horses ,or animals to help kids engage .
Contact your local autism support group to meet other parents in similar situations..sendiass may be available near you too ..very helpful.
Go on the lea website,look up alternative provision and see what's available.
But first step is your EHCP and her diagnosis
Good luck x

It must be quite exhausting specially dealing with family members who don’t understand MH issues.

We went through similar with our dd. Since your dd is already with CAHMS, would they be willing to give her medication? DD was put on fluoxetine at 15 and it did wonders for her. It was quite difficult to convince them but once they realised that most of my family suffered from some sort of anxiety they agreed. The CAHMS team also spoke to the school and put her on reduced time table. She was also visited by someone from early intervention team regularly.

Dd is at university now. She is not 100 percent but so much better than where she was. My experience with CAHMS is even though they want to help, they are quite stretched and you will need to advocate for your dd harder.

This is your response to this post?

Jesus, I hope you don’t speak to people IRL.

And yes, most people know what IRL means.

You will get better support from people with experience. I will post a link in a minute.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5297998-ebsa-support-thread-2?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5003192-the-ebsa-support-thread-emotionally-based-school-avoidanceabsence?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share that's the original thread in case there's anything useful in there.

For us the success came from moving to an entirely different type of school. We were fortunate to have a small, rural independent school nearby that had very small class sizes, a beautiful, calm environment and lovely kind teachers. We had never used the independent sector before, but the difference it made to us, having got to a point of crisis, was life changing. It took a year and a half to get an EHCP which named the school, including several rounds to the Tribunal. During that time I used all my savings and it was a desperate struggle (which nearly broke me) but it was 100% worth it. DS couldn't survive at the secondary school he was in - but here he thrived.

You didn’t know what it meant, others do. That’s your problem, not ops.

We had similar with DS2 (ASD and ADHD already diagnosed in primary ) when he started secondary school. He didn’t take an overdose but he did attempt self harm. His fight/flight response was massively triggered with the change in school and frankly he was terrified. He had therapy with CAMHS and we worked with school to very gradually build up his exposure - he spent a lot of time in learning support, gradually getting into his lessons with a lot of scaffolding and support.

He very much felt the need to try to control his surroundings so this was achieved by school fully engaging with him, and focusing on the more essential aspects of school. He’s gradually branched out to the non-core subjects (music, drama etc), and now has full attendance. School were fantastic, and understood we were all working hard to get him able to attend, and understood that this is a process. I’m not saying we are out of the woods yet, and things can certainly change, but I’ve been impressed by schools ability to be flexible and sensitive to his needs - this is everything.

disregard the opinions of ignorant family, and definitely limit your child’s exposure to them - them may mean well and try to persuade your child to go to school but this will be counter productive (especially if your child is autistic). You’ll need to develop a tough skin with those who suggest you’re being soft on them or letting them rule the roost - you are doing what’s best for your child. This is incredibly tough OP and I wish you and your family all the best.

OP, on my experience grandparents who think they are kind and loving can sometimes be anything but.

We had tutting and ‘don’t make that noise at me’ when DS10 was upset about what he might be able to eat in a different country after a long day doing what PIL wanted to do - when we took them on holiday!!! Absolutely no understanding at all. 8 years ago but it still gets to me …

Do what you know is best for your DC. The relatives with ignorant views can sod off, frankly.