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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Too honest with a friend?

40 replies

Blueuggboots · 15/05/2026 11:21

A good friend was looking to move house and asked me to help her look for a suitable property as I know the area better than she does. I spent quite a lot of time searching for houses in areas I thought would be suitable with everything she wanted.

I printed out the list of houses with positives and negatives, comparing them to try and help her whilst viewing and viewed most of them with her at her request.

The final house we viewed was lovely inside but on a bit of a rat run road. I carefully pointed out the downsides concentrating on the interior of the house and as we were leaving after the viewing, she said she wouldn’t buy it. I therefore didn’t say anymore.

Lo and behold, she messaged me the next day saying she had put an offer in which had been accepted and admitted it was the house she said she wouldn’t buy that we had viewed the day before. She said she loved it and didn’t want to tell me. We had discussed frequently the issues in the particular area and the lack of parking.

I helped her move, helped her do bits and pieces in the house and gave her advice when asked regarding things she wanted to do it.

She then messaged me moaning about the road - it’s busy, it’s noisy, she doesn’t feel safe, she can’t park her car - all things I had mentioned when viewing it. I did point out that I’d told her not to buy the house and was probably a bit short as I had a lot going on and felt a bit irritated after I’d told her not to buy it and all the lovely houses I had found for her with parking on quieter roads - some of these were also cheaper! But did say I was sorry she was unhappy.

She’s gone radio silence. We used to meet for coffee regularly and be in contact at least a few times a week but I’ve heard nothing from her for months.

Was I unreasonable to point out that I told her not to buy the house??

OP posts:
Nogimachi · 15/05/2026 11:26

There’s a lesson here which is let other people make their own mistakes. It’s entirely up to the person buying the house to decide, don’t get involved in this stuff.
As to how to take this forward, just leave it for now, then message her separately next month suggesting a meet up. If the topic comes up say you’re really sorry she’s not happy - if you have to you could say you did share your opinion but it’s up to her which house to buy.

FunMustard · 15/05/2026 11:27

Well, people don't like being reminded by an "I told you so".

Just leave her to cool down. She's embarrassed and upset. Buying a house isn't a short process, she could have come to these conclusions but she didn't think it would be a problem.

When she's calmed down a bit, maybe you can help her trouble-shoot? Triple-glazing, parking permits, stuff like that?

catipuss · 15/05/2026 11:31

She's passing the buck. She has decided she doesn't like the house and has convinced herself it's all your fault that she bought it. Nothing you can do about it if she won't take responsibility for her own actions.

No good deed goes unpunished as they say.

BellatrixpureBlood · 15/05/2026 11:34

catipuss · 15/05/2026 11:31

She's passing the buck. She has decided she doesn't like the house and has convinced herself it's all your fault that she bought it. Nothing you can do about it if she won't take responsibility for her own actions.

No good deed goes unpunished as they say.

I don’t think she is passing the buck at all. She’s just venting.

Rhaidimiddim · 15/05/2026 11:36

FunMustard · 15/05/2026 11:27

Well, people don't like being reminded by an "I told you so".

Just leave her to cool down. She's embarrassed and upset. Buying a house isn't a short process, she could have come to these conclusions but she didn't think it would be a problem.

When she's calmed down a bit, maybe you can help her trouble-shoot? Triple-glazing, parking permits, stuff like that?

I would hesitate to help her again in any substantial way.

Dharma26 · 15/05/2026 11:36

She's allowed to vent, a good friend wouldn't come back with I told you so, I'd go silent on you too.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 15/05/2026 11:38

She was venting, she didn’t need an ‘I told you so’, she needed a friend. She didn’t do anything wrong making her own judgement and choices, it’s her house and her money. Showing her your annoyance at her not doing what you said just wasn’t helpful. But if you are ok with the outcome of seeing her less then it’s worked out for you.

VestPantsandSocks · 15/05/2026 11:40

She was told the pitfalls and chose to go ahead.
So no, she doesn't get to vent. To this friend at least.

ThatCyanCat · 15/05/2026 11:43

You weren't wrong to point out the problems at the beginning but after she'd made her decision and couldn't change it... well, nobody likes to hear "I told you so".

I think she was daft not to vent to someone else but I guess she felt safe with you. It's very hard not to say I told you so, but it's horrible to hear and nobody would come back for more.

Although I'm a bit confused; you say the house was lovely inside, but you concentrated on the interior of it when you pointed out the downsides? Then after she'd moved, you say you'd been pointing out stuff like the traffic and parking? This doesn't sound consistent. Is it possible she's pissed off because you're saying you told her so, when in actual fact you didn't?

KitKatPitPat · 15/05/2026 11:50

You sound like you were very over involved tbh. Unless she has some kind of disability that means she can’t manage her own affairs it’s very odd to go to the point of printing out houses, writing lists of pros and cons etc. I wouldn’t dream to taking on responsibility for a friend’s admin like that.

It’s also weird that she was afraid to tell you she liked the house. It sounds like the two of you may have an unusual sort of friendship, where somehow you are “in charge” or dominant?

Now that she’s having regrets about the house she’s blaming you because you were so involved in helping her choose. Instead of being supportive (eg by talking about ways to fix those issues, or reminding her of the things she does love) you are letting out your resentment that she didn’t do as you said in the first place.

Honestly I’m not sure this is a healthy friendship for either of you.

AllBranGirl · 15/05/2026 12:03

Was I unreasonable to point out that I told her not to buy the house??

Her silence gives you the answer

Blueuggboots · 15/05/2026 12:06

@ThatCyanCat- it was nice, and I know she liked it but there were issues - the kitchen was badly designed etc….

those saying I was over-involved - I did what she asked. She was struggling to make decisions and I supported her. She was getting confused after viewing lots of properties in a short space of time so I made a list to help her.

I had repeatedly said I felt she needed parking and moving to this location would mean she lost her parking. I told her I thought she’d regret it before she put the offer in.

OP posts:
YourShyLion · 15/05/2026 12:06

Told you so's are never a good idea

Blueuggboots · 15/05/2026 12:07

But as we left, see clearly stated she wasn’t buying it so I didn’t mention the parking etc again as she said she wasn’t buying it??!

yes, I agree with the PP who said it doesn’t sound healthy. I felt like she was expecting me to adult for her and was handing over responsibility to me.

OP posts:
FebruaryClouds · 15/05/2026 12:08

Why didn’t she want to tell you she loved it when initially viewing? Is she generally a people pleaser or are you particularly judgemental?

Blueuggboots · 15/05/2026 12:10

@FebruaryClouds- probably a bit of both!!!! 🤣

I had expressed my concern about having no parking in the general area.

OP posts:
Fantailed · 15/05/2026 12:11

Blueuggboots · 15/05/2026 12:06

@ThatCyanCat- it was nice, and I know she liked it but there were issues - the kitchen was badly designed etc….

those saying I was over-involved - I did what she asked. She was struggling to make decisions and I supported her. She was getting confused after viewing lots of properties in a short space of time so I made a list to help her.

I had repeatedly said I felt she needed parking and moving to this location would mean she lost her parking. I told her I thought she’d regret it before she put the offer in.

I think you got way over-involved, to the point where she felt she couldn’t tell you that she’d liked a house you were critical of when you’d viewed it together.

I’d take a step back. I’ve helped a good friend buy houses on more than one occasion (she was moving long distances, her DH stayed at home with their young children, and I was free and up for an expedition), but I stopped short of quite how involved you got, and no one wants to hear ‘I told you so’.

VictoriaEra · 15/05/2026 12:12

KitKatPitPat · 15/05/2026 11:50

You sound like you were very over involved tbh. Unless she has some kind of disability that means she can’t manage her own affairs it’s very odd to go to the point of printing out houses, writing lists of pros and cons etc. I wouldn’t dream to taking on responsibility for a friend’s admin like that.

It’s also weird that she was afraid to tell you she liked the house. It sounds like the two of you may have an unusual sort of friendship, where somehow you are “in charge” or dominant?

Now that she’s having regrets about the house she’s blaming you because you were so involved in helping her choose. Instead of being supportive (eg by talking about ways to fix those issues, or reminding her of the things she does love) you are letting out your resentment that she didn’t do as you said in the first place.

Honestly I’m not sure this is a healthy friendship for either of you.

Thats exactly what I thought too.

BillieWiper · 15/05/2026 12:16

It feels like you're way too invested in her choice. It's like it's your house and you're taking all the criticism personally.

So what if she lives on a busy road. So what that she bought a house you thought she shouldn't. It's her money, her problem.

Just reach out again and try and avoid property talk. And never help someone choose a house again. Unless you'll be living there it's just not worth the hassle.

Blueuggboots · 15/05/2026 12:19

@BillieWiper- absolutely, but she ASKED for the amount of input I put in??!!

OP posts:
Steelworks · 15/05/2026 12:21

She’s upset about her move, and you commenting after she had moved was the final straw - talk about kicking someone when they are down. Fair enough to comment when she was in the house-hunting stage, but not afterwards.

pambeesleyhalpert · 15/05/2026 12:22

VestPantsandSocks · 15/05/2026 11:40

She was told the pitfalls and chose to go ahead.
So no, she doesn't get to vent. To this friend at least.

Exactly this

ToKittyornottoKitty · 15/05/2026 12:22

Blueuggboots · 15/05/2026 12:19

@BillieWiper- absolutely, but she ASKED for the amount of input I put in??!!

She obviously didn’t want as much judgement as you give though, which was apparent when she didn’t feel comfortable admitting that she liked this house until after she’d put her offer in. Sounds like you got too invested

KitKatPitPat · 15/05/2026 12:24

It’s interesting you say she was getting worked up/overwhelmed. People can get into a tizzy and then ask for help/guidance, but it’s not always healthy to give it to them! In your shoes I would have said happy to help her go through the options and work out what she wants, happy to answer questions - but I wouldn’t have started acting like Phil and Kirsty taking on responsibility for finding her home and steering her in the right direction.

Even if she’s asking for that level of help if she then ends up with regrets she will blame you!

Assuming you want to preserve the friendship, you should apologise for saying “I told you so”, that wasn’t supportive or kind. Just explain that you were having a stressful day of whatever. Remind her of the good points, acknowledge that there are issues with the road but of course every house has issues and you’re sure once she’s settled in she’ll be happy overall. Then don’t involve yourself so much in future!

PygmyOwl · 15/05/2026 12:26

You haven't done anything wrong exactly OP, but sometimes it's best just to keep quiet and not say "I told you so".