Too honest with a friend?

[Blueuggboots]

A good friend was looking to move house and asked me to help her look for a suitable property as I know the area better than she does. I spent quite a lot of time searching for houses in areas I thought would be suitable with everything she wanted.

I printed out the list of houses with positives and negatives, comparing them to try and help her whilst viewing and viewed most of them with her at her request.

The final house we viewed was lovely inside but on a bit of a rat run road. I carefully pointed out the downsides concentrating on the interior of the house and as we were leaving after the viewing, she said she wouldn’t buy it. I therefore didn’t say anymore.

Lo and behold, she messaged me the next day saying she had put an offer in which had been accepted and admitted it was the house she said she wouldn’t buy that we had viewed the day before. She said she loved it and didn’t want to tell me. We had discussed frequently the issues in the particular area and the lack of parking.

I helped her move, helped her do bits and pieces in the house and gave her advice when asked regarding things she wanted to do it.

She then messaged me moaning about the road - it’s busy, it’s noisy, she doesn’t feel safe, she can’t park her car - all things I had mentioned when viewing it. I did point out that I’d told her not to buy the house and was probably a bit short as I had a lot going on and felt a bit irritated after I’d told her not to buy it and all the lovely houses I had found for her with parking on quieter roads - some of these were also cheaper! But did say I was sorry she was unhappy.

She’s gone radio silence. We used to meet for coffee regularly and be in contact at least a few times a week but I’ve heard nothing from her for months.

Was I unreasonable to point out that I told her not to buy the house??

So what? You should've just said here's some houses, it doesn't matter what I think and pick one. Or just declined to help as you're not Sarah Beeny.

It makes no difference to you where she lives.

Exactly. People can ask for whatever, it doesn’t mean you have to give it to them.

There are few things in life more irritating than someone telling you “I told you so.”

Its not only infuriating it’s utterly pointless because you can’t change anything.

She was just venting, she didn’t need a huge recrimination about what she had done wrong.

It sounds like you went well and truly overboard in the helping phase too. I have never “printed out a list” of properties to help a friend. I am sure it comes from a good place but I would feel really smothered and a bit controlled if a friend over involved themselves like this.

I think you might want to take a bit of a step back: you were trying to be kind but she is her own person and needs to make her own choices and mistakes. Try to invest less in other people’s choices.

Yes, she should have had a bit more self-awareness.

she asked, you said I told you so. That’s exactly what happened.
i would have steered well clear of any adult who was making such a big purchase. Let the estate agents advise her. You just put yourself in the chopping block.

One of the things more irritating than people saying "I told you so" is having someone ask you to help them make a big decision; then, after you've put in a lot of time, thought and research, done a lot of thinking and made a well-thought-out recommendation, they go and do the opposite.

What's even more irritating than either of those things is if they then ring you up to vent about their (in the face of your advice) bad decision and expect sympathy.

I think the OP was a saint if all she delivered was an "I told you so".

I think it was probably the ‘told you so’ that’s annoyed her. She will get over it soon though. Not the end of the world

That's life though. People are in charge of their own destiny and will ultimately make their own decisions, regardless of the advice they are given. The OP isn't this person's boss or their spouse and there's no obligation to follow their recommendation.

If someone asked for my help with something like this I would give my advice but I wouldn't expect it to be followed. And I certainly wouldn't prepare spreadsheets with pros and cons of various decisions: that's way over and above the call of duty.

Yes. I agree with this.

If someone asked me to help them find a house (as they have on more than one occasion), I would offer to go with them to viewings if I were able. I might, if I had time, also have a quick look on Rightmove while waiting for the kettle to boil or in the kind of meeting where nothing is decided and you're trying to stay awake.

I absolutely wouldn't be tackling it like a war campaign, doing prolonged online searches and making printouts of suitable houses, listing pros and cons etc.

If asked for advice, I would give it, but I would have no expectation that it be followed. It's the other person's house, and their life and their individual preferences.

I think the OP was waaay too enmeshed in this decision.

@Fantailed Must admit, I thought op went into a lot if detail. As op says she knew the area better, then generally a ‘this is a good area’ and ‘’avoid streets x,z’ is what most people do, and perhaps look at rightmove and highlight potential good houses. Not a detailed, forensic analysis. Apart from anything, friend’s preferences and ‘must-haves’ may be different to op’s.

Would I stuff help her troubleshoot. She was entirely unappreciative of OPs input and has now taken the huff with OP reminder her that she had advised her not to buy the house.

Let grown adults do their own research and make their own decisions in future OP.

Me neither.

But the friend here had the OP going to viewings and seemed to solicit the OP's input.

She knows you told her she just doesn’t like being told I told you so. Most people don’t so it’s tactful to say nothing because it’s done now.

Yes, tactless. Best to keep quiet maybe sigh quietly

She bought it, thats done, and she made a daft choice, with her heart not her head. Let go of the fact that she said she wouldn't buy that one, and didnt follow your advice - its her choice, and it sounds as if shes not as logical as you in how she thinks.
If you want her back in your life, accept that she doesn't think like you do, probably never will, and may do things that don't make sense to you, and thats part of the fun of friendships, people are different...then message her and say you're really sorry for being mean and unsympathetic, by telling her you told her so - it doesn't matter that you were right, as her friend she needs you ti empathise with how she feels about it.

Yes you were unreasonable, nobody wants or needs an 'I told you so'.

You said "I told you so" to somebody who feels like they've made a massive mistake... we are all different in levels of sensitivity and I'm rather thick skinned, but this would have hacked me off no end

It depends what she was saying, to a degree, as if she was just saying it was busy etc then you could just have said yes you know it's difficult but you loved the house otherwise. If she was complaining as if it were your fault then I think it's fair enough to point it out but if not then I don't know when you had to say "I told you so".

She sounds like hard work.

Just learn from your experience. I know, from experience, I would never have gotten so involved even with a good friend, because it can backfire remarkably.

If you want to remain friends, ask her for coffee. And avoid mentioning it ever again! If she mentions it, just nod along.

Never say I told you so - ever! No one wants to hear it.

Lo and behold, she messaged me the next day saying she had put an offer in which had been accepted and admitted it was the house she said she wouldn’t buy that we had viewed the day before. She said she loved it and didn’t want to tell me. We had discussed frequently the issues in the particular area and the lack of parking

You got far too involved to the extent that she didn't feel able to tell you that she loved the property and even felt the need to lie to you and say she wasn't going to buy it.
She might have asked for your help but you took it too far.

It was up to her to make the decision though. Perhaps she thought she could live with the lack of parking or thought it wouldn't be a problem and that was the compromise for the house she loved.
You really shouldn't have said I told you so, or words to that effect and just kept quiet instead.