Too honest with a friend?

[Blueuggboots]

A good friend was looking to move house and asked me to help her look for a suitable property as I know the area better than she does. I spent quite a lot of time searching for houses in areas I thought would be suitable with everything she wanted.

I printed out the list of houses with positives and negatives, comparing them to try and help her whilst viewing and viewed most of them with her at her request.

The final house we viewed was lovely inside but on a bit of a rat run road. I carefully pointed out the downsides concentrating on the interior of the house and as we were leaving after the viewing, she said she wouldn’t buy it. I therefore didn’t say anymore.

Lo and behold, she messaged me the next day saying she had put an offer in which had been accepted and admitted it was the house she said she wouldn’t buy that we had viewed the day before. She said she loved it and didn’t want to tell me. We had discussed frequently the issues in the particular area and the lack of parking.

I helped her move, helped her do bits and pieces in the house and gave her advice when asked regarding things she wanted to do it.

She then messaged me moaning about the road - it’s busy, it’s noisy, she doesn’t feel safe, she can’t park her car - all things I had mentioned when viewing it. I did point out that I’d told her not to buy the house and was probably a bit short as I had a lot going on and felt a bit irritated after I’d told her not to buy it and all the lovely houses I had found for her with parking on quieter roads - some of these were also cheaper! But did say I was sorry she was unhappy.

She’s gone radio silence. We used to meet for coffee regularly and be in contact at least a few times a week but I’ve heard nothing from her for months.

Was I unreasonable to point out that I told her not to buy the house??

So what? You should've just said here's some houses, it doesn't matter what I think and pick one. Or just declined to help as you're not Sarah Beeny.

It makes no difference to you where she lives.

Exactly. People can ask for whatever, it doesn’t mean you have to give it to them.

There are few things in life more irritating than someone telling you “I told you so.”

Its not only infuriating it’s utterly pointless because you can’t change anything.

She was just venting, she didn’t need a huge recrimination about what she had done wrong.

It sounds like you went well and truly overboard in the helping phase too. I have never “printed out a list” of properties to help a friend. I am sure it comes from a good place but I would feel really smothered and a bit controlled if a friend over involved themselves like this.

I think you might want to take a bit of a step back: you were trying to be kind but she is her own person and needs to make her own choices and mistakes. Try to invest less in other people’s choices.

Yes, she should have had a bit more self-awareness.

she asked, you said I told you so. That’s exactly what happened.
i would have steered well clear of any adult who was making such a big purchase. Let the estate agents advise her. You just put yourself in the chopping block.

One of the things more irritating than people saying "I told you so" is having someone ask you to help them make a big decision; then, after you've put in a lot of time, thought and research, done a lot of thinking and made a well-thought-out recommendation, they go and do the opposite.

What's even more irritating than either of those things is if they then ring you up to vent about their (in the face of your advice) bad decision and expect sympathy.

I think the OP was a saint if all she delivered was an "I told you so".

I think it was probably the ‘told you so’ that’s annoyed her. She will get over it soon though. Not the end of the world

That's life though. People are in charge of their own destiny and will ultimately make their own decisions, regardless of the advice they are given. The OP isn't this person's boss or their spouse and there's no obligation to follow their recommendation.

If someone asked for my help with something like this I would give my advice but I wouldn't expect it to be followed. And I certainly wouldn't prepare spreadsheets with pros and cons of various decisions: that's way over and above the call of duty.

Yes. I agree with this.

If someone asked me to help them find a house (as they have on more than one occasion), I would offer to go with them to viewings if I were able. I might, if I had time, also have a quick look on Rightmove while waiting for the kettle to boil or in the kind of meeting where nothing is decided and you're trying to stay awake.

I absolutely wouldn't be tackling it like a war campaign, doing prolonged online searches and making printouts of suitable houses, listing pros and cons etc.

If asked for advice, I would give it, but I would have no expectation that it be followed. It's the other person's house, and their life and their individual preferences.

I think the OP was waaay too enmeshed in this decision.

@Fantailed Must admit, I thought op went into a lot if detail. As op says she knew the area better, then generally a ‘this is a good area’ and ‘’avoid streets x,z’ is what most people do, and perhaps look at rightmove and highlight potential good houses. Not a detailed, forensic analysis. Apart from anything, friend’s preferences and ‘must-haves’ may be different to op’s.

Would I stuff help her troubleshoot. She was entirely unappreciative of OPs input and has now taken the huff with OP reminder her that she had advised her not to buy the house.

Let grown adults do their own research and make their own decisions in future OP.

Me neither.

But the friend here had the OP going to viewings and seemed to solicit the OP's input.

She knows you told her she just doesn’t like being told I told you so. Most people don’t so it’s tactful to say nothing because it’s done now.

Yes, tactless. Best to keep quiet maybe sigh quietly