Sister is 55 and suddenly obsessed with her weight

[youlookradishing]

She’s always been ‘normal’ weight, typical 5ft 5 size 10-12. She’s been happily married for over 30 years and has had 3 children, just for context.

We used to have normal conversations about a range of interesting stuff. She’s always been a bit rigid and moralistic about things, but it’s just her personality.

Over the past 2 years or so though she’s become obsessed with her weight and being slim. Most conversations will include comments about how X or Y food isn’t good for you or how she eats 30 different grains a day or whatever. She’s not bothered about her ‘looks’ per se, she never wears makeup and doesn’t spend much on clothes, but she’s now a very slim size 8. She tries to persuade me that if we have a ‘big breakfast’ (by which she means several slices of toast and a piece of fruit) then we won’t ‘need’ lunch. If we go out for a meal she will have a salad without fail and she runs 5k every morning. She says this is all about being healthy, but she is always weighing herself on the fat / bmi machines in Boots. Her bmi is now about 18.5 so verging on underweight.

She casts judgement on others and seems to be using this as a way of making herself feel good in comparison. She’ll tell me that a certain celebrity now looks “awful” and when I google them they actually look fine, they just got older and put on some weight. Or comment to me about how a certain friend “eats doughnuts” as though it’s something she expects me to be aghast about.

Anyway I’m not sure what I’m asking here: I’m a bit nonplussed because I recognise some this attitude from my teens in the early 00s when sneering at ‘fat people’ was unfortunately more of a mainstream attitude and being double size zero was held up as a virtue.

But she’s 55 years old! This seems to have come from nowhere as she had a normal attitude about weight until now (or so I assume). She grew up in the 80s which I know were an unhealthy era for body image, but that was a long time ago now and there is more body size acceptance today than ever before!

I suppose I’m asking anyone if they recognise this pattern of behaviour? Could it be menopause related? She’s also just taken early retirement (at the same time as her husband, who is 60), is she having an identity crisis?!

(I do know the obvious answer is to speak to her, but I don’t see her that often, we are not v close in age and live some distance apart, in the meantime I’m just interested to know what you think and whether you’ve known this happen to anyone in your lives?)

I don't know why but I agree with those who've said she should be doing weights to guard against osteoporosis.

But I think you should be able to be honest with your own sister that her constant topic of conversation being her weight and competitive undereating is boring at best and concerning at worst.

Undereating and being obsessed isn't healthy. Nourishing yourself with good and sufficient food is true self care and is healthy

But you don't seem to get it! It's better to be unhealthily thin and depressed than fat and depressed. At least you have a real reason to be depressed. And people will be much more accepting.

people who equate thinness with health are being horribly judgemental and failing to understand a whole scope of health issues that people face.

Very well stated.

Nothing in OP's post suggests undereating

I guess it could be super fibre rich bread BUT it is still quite an unbalanced breakfast.

I think it’s quite common for older women to develope eating disorders. My MiL does (78).

They often pop up at stages where you don’t have control over your changing body/ life - it’s the other end of puberty really

Sounds like an ED to me, my dd was like this when she was anorexic.

When you don’t eat enough you are obsessed with food.

Hat is
she like with her husband and kids? Does she control what they eat? Or lecture?

The sister is just being horribly judgemental - which helps her feel better about herself which is quite sad.

🎯And sadly this "empty superiority" is quite a theme in weight loss conversations.

You think constantly weighing herself and casting judgement on others and deriding celebrities is healthy behaviour?

healthy behaviour would be doing her thing without the need to judge or comment on others.

They often pop up at stages where you don’t have control over your changing body/ life

I think this is spot on.

And it worries me the extent to which it is applauded, as actually there is a lot to be said for being a bit accepting of Nature-driven change.

I am not saying obesity is healthy, but equally I don't think very gaunt older ladies very often look well.

Probably joined Mumsnet.

No. You don't get it . It's better to be mentally stable and happy and a little overweight than thin and suicidal (which has been my experience)!!
You are totally not understanding what I said or have any concept how dieting/undereating can actually trigger depression and ED in some people

Sounds like disordered eating. Could become an eating disorder.

Not sure if you are agreeing with me or not lol
But I stand by what I said in any case...I've witnessed many occasions where thin people are unnecessarily judgemental about people who aren't stick thin (despite them eating healthily). Not all of us have those skinny genes despite eating nutritious food and incorporating movement

I'm agreeing with you.

I think there are a lot of very toxic attitudes around weight, where people make assumptions about others based on their own personal make-up and then reflect them onto others as judgment.

Personally I try to stay an "officially healthy" weight, but I recognise that there are various factors at play here that might be different for others. I have been fortunate not to have had much of a battle with weight, but definitely know that for a long time at least I was able to eat far more than a couple of my good friends and just stay thinner - even though they were more active than I.

I also think we need to be a little more intuitive about what IS healthy weight. For many years I was right at the bottom of the bMI charts and was nudged by a GP to gain before pregnancy. And I am so glad. Quite a number of not serious but irritating health issues I had had for years instantly resolved - despite me being apparently "healthy" weight; in fact, I know now I was too light.

So I am very much agreeing in the sense that i think we all just need to dial down the judgment and the self criticism and all the negativity that can accompany weight and focus a little more on acceptance.

I also know skinny older people who actually do not look healthy and, indeed, have health issues. So the whole "I can be rude because it's doing you a favour" attitude is really quite ill-founded.

Fat-shaming is one of the last forms of discrimination that is still tolerated - and, by some, even encouraged.

Oh and I also agree with the point you made about people making these judgments as a salve for their own insecurity or esteem issues.

We hate the thing we fear I suppose or we are jealous that other people are daring to be out and about eating and unashamedly overweight when we feel such hate for ourselves.

Hmm the skinny genes thing though that’s a bit of a loaded statement. I’m slim and I’ve had people saying you are so lucky, what’s lucky about it, I’m thin because I exercise and really watch what I eat. My choice and I would never ever make a comment on someone’s weight. Now, my food noise is a whimper rather than a shout so that helps of course but it’s a bit of a misnomer that there are loads of thin people just stuffing themselves.

Evie, I was being totally ironic here! Sorry you didn't seize that.
Of course it's better to be a bit overweight but mentally stable.

However that is not what society pushes women to believe.

Pefectly said.
Thank you for posting this, it's wonderfully insightful - and especially so in light of the fact that you were someone who never struggled with weight gain for much of your life x

Ah, sorry! oops! I'm rubbish at picking up on irony. Sorry! x

@EvieBB Please no apologies , I shouldn't have made light of such a serious subject. So many people have incredibly messed up and damaging beliefs it is shocking.
Tolerance, acceptance, understanding and compassion for others and ourselves is what we all need.
I hope you are well.

Sounds like an eating disorder . You can have them at any age. I think I'd change the subject x