Sister is 55 and suddenly obsessed with her weight

[youlookradishing]

She’s always been ‘normal’ weight, typical 5ft 5 size 10-12. She’s been happily married for over 30 years and has had 3 children, just for context.

We used to have normal conversations about a range of interesting stuff. She’s always been a bit rigid and moralistic about things, but it’s just her personality.

Over the past 2 years or so though she’s become obsessed with her weight and being slim. Most conversations will include comments about how X or Y food isn’t good for you or how she eats 30 different grains a day or whatever. She’s not bothered about her ‘looks’ per se, she never wears makeup and doesn’t spend much on clothes, but she’s now a very slim size 8. She tries to persuade me that if we have a ‘big breakfast’ (by which she means several slices of toast and a piece of fruit) then we won’t ‘need’ lunch. If we go out for a meal she will have a salad without fail and she runs 5k every morning. She says this is all about being healthy, but she is always weighing herself on the fat / bmi machines in Boots. Her bmi is now about 18.5 so verging on underweight.

She casts judgement on others and seems to be using this as a way of making herself feel good in comparison. She’ll tell me that a certain celebrity now looks “awful” and when I google them they actually look fine, they just got older and put on some weight. Or comment to me about how a certain friend “eats doughnuts” as though it’s something she expects me to be aghast about.

Anyway I’m not sure what I’m asking here: I’m a bit nonplussed because I recognise some this attitude from my teens in the early 00s when sneering at ‘fat people’ was unfortunately more of a mainstream attitude and being double size zero was held up as a virtue.

But she’s 55 years old! This seems to have come from nowhere as she had a normal attitude about weight until now (or so I assume). She grew up in the 80s which I know were an unhealthy era for body image, but that was a long time ago now and there is more body size acceptance today than ever before!

I suppose I’m asking anyone if they recognise this pattern of behaviour? Could it be menopause related? She’s also just taken early retirement (at the same time as her husband, who is 60), is she having an identity crisis?!

(I do know the obvious answer is to speak to her, but I don’t see her that often, we are not v close in age and live some distance apart, in the meantime I’m just interested to know what you think and whether you’ve known this happen to anyone in your lives?)

So maybe this is her latest way to exert control? It is very common with EDs. You feel a lack of control in life so you control the one thing you can, your appetite/weight.

Does she fixate on food and recipes? When my daughter had an eating disorder she was obsessed by food, collecting recipes etc, but carefully controlled what she actually consumed.

Yes IL - especially MIL at 50 when I was pg with first DGC though FIL was also in it. It was awful for me - as she could be sneaky finding way for all of us to avoiding meals when out and then not eating would kick off my morning sickness - also awful round young kids wanting meal skipped and going on about diet food all of which I pushed back on. Constants comments about what I ate even if pg and bf. Took Dh and I quiet a bot of managing round kids - but FIl could be equally as bad wanting lomg gaps between food and rest and getting nasty when kids then hit limits. It took a lot of managing from DH and I.

It slowly died down. It was possible linked to grand kids happening - she was a very young parent but apparently didn't expct to be a GM so young though we a good decadxe older than her and DH - her getting older and her real fear of aging that was desperate for a few years and very much wanting to avoid her mother's health issues.

She in her mids 70s now - slightly overweight but not too bad and as active as always FIL not overwight at all. I don't think MIL looks younger than her age though she likes to believe so but she fitter than my DM same age who was always overwight and limited excerise who just had to have a DEXA scan due to bone concerns after a fall.

At 55 it gets much harder to keep the weight off and requires a lot more thought. If you don’t want to get a bit fatter every year then you need to trim down what you eat and focus on a healthy diet. It sounds like you DS has got a bit caught up in this thought process and has forgotten that it’s really boring to other people and best not discussed. Re the BMI 18.5 that’s ok, low end of normal but not abnormal for a regular runner. Lower would not be good though. Re the exercise, it’s hard to criticise working on cardio fitness, bone density and muscle mass as we women age. Good on her for putting her retirement time to good use. I wouldn’t say anything except to subtly check she is at her target weight and not aiming to go lower.

Possibly issues about getting older in general, and exercising control over one of the only aspects of that she can.
She might not be able to stop herself being and looking older, but she can hang on to one of the things our society sees as 'superior' in women, being very slim.
This would tie in with the unfavourable comparisons she has started to make between her weight and other women's. She might be getting old, but she's not getting fat type of thing.
Not sure what can be done about it. Its concerning her BMI has dropped so low. But as with all these things, interventions from others are not known for being successful. If it were me I'd try to steer the subject away from food, excercise and weight as much as possible and build her confidence by being positive about other areas of her life and achievements.

I couldn't watch my Dsis descend into an eating disorder without saying something, if that's what I'd decided it was.

Mid life crisis? We mock men as though women don’t have them too but I think they do. Some women start dressing like they’re 20 again, others take up a crazy hobby or become fanatical about something out of character, dye their hair pink… It happens. I’d imagine she’s also terrified of gaining weight through menopause as many women do.

Yes, EDs are more often about control than weight per se, and it is another reason that conflating body size with moral achievement/character is so dangerous.

The whole "I'm just too lazy/not committed enough, ergo I have gained weight" notion is a red rag to a bull for some personality types - which it sounds as though OP's Dsis has.

Doesn't sound like zoe if she's eating toast and fruit for breakfast. Zoe is all about the fibre.

Early retirement - sounds like she's found something to fill her time and it's slipped over into a bit of an obsession. I'd not worry but if she only talks about food or judgemental about others I'd prob tell her she's become boring!

I’ve been overweight all my life and tried everything. Clicked when I was 59 and since then I’d say I was obsessed. I’ve lost 5.5 stone and I am completely focused on what I consume. I hardly drink, no chocolate and if I have a big meal I’ll skip the next. I feel great.

Makes no difference, as long she does not turn it to mental illness and and ED , let her go as crazy as she wants about stuff, we all need to to something with ourselves when we have no financial burdens

I completely understand why you’re feeling concerned. I’m actually a little older than your sister at 61, and my weight has fluctuated hugely over my life — I was a size 8 when I was 18, and at one point in midlife I reached a size 24.

I’ve now come back down again and am heading towards a size 8, and I’ll be honest — I may look a bit like your sister from the outside. But for me, it was triggered by a real health scare. In 2022 I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and had dangerously high cholesterol. My adult son even said he was worried I might not live long enough to see grandchildren if I didn’t make changes.
That really made me stop and think about my health and my future, and I’ve probably become quite focused — maybe even a bit “obsessed” — with improving my health. Since losing 5 stone, I’m now in a healthy BMI range, and my cholesterol and blood sugar levels are back to normal, which has been life-changing.

It just made me wonder whether your sister might be going through something similar internally — perhaps reflecting on her health and mortality now she’s retired, and wanting to reduce future risks. Sometimes that awareness can really shift your priorities quite suddenly.

Of course, balance is really important, but it might be worth gently exploring how she’s feeling about her health and what’s driving the changes, rather than it just being about weight alone.

Have you had one or both of your parents die in recent years, OP? I must say that watching the slow and difficult demise of mine focused my attention much more sharply on staying fit and healthy. This might be her definition of that, rightly or wrongly???

It sounds to me like she’s looking after herself, seeing the results and enjoying it.

You should be praising her rather than being snippy.

She probably realised she’s over halfway through her life and wants to keep healthy for the inevitable old age ☹️

But how does commenting on others or policing their intake contribute to her looking after herself?

Dunno that being rude about friends that eat doughnuts deserves any praise tbh…..

I'm also passionate about eating healthily but when I try to cut calories drastically I end up feeling extremely depressed, anxious and lethargic (I have a history of CFS and depression). So I eat healthy foods to to feel well and keep active to keep and feel well - but that doesn't necessarily translate in to losing weight or being ultra thin so I feel that people who equate thinness with health are being horribly judgemental and failing to understand a whole scope of health issues that people face.

Exactly. The sister is just being horribly judgemental - which helps her feel better about herself which is quite sad.

I'm also passionate about eating healthily but when I try to cut calories drastically I end up feeling extremely depressed, anxious and lethargic (I have a history of CFS and depression). So I eat healthy foods to to feel well and keep active to keep and feel well - but that doesn't necessarily translate in to losing weight or being ultra thin so I feel that people who equate thinness with health are being horribly judgemental and failing to understand a whole scope of health issues that people face.

Please remember your audience here @youlookradishing . Mumsnet is awash with people with eating disorders and competitive undereaters. These people fall over themselves on every eating disorder thread to normalise symptoms. If you see a change in your sister and are concerned, I think it's with good reason. She seems to have lost all perspective.

Leave her to it but if she talks about it too much tell her she’s being boring! You may not be close but she’s still your sister!

So she's managed to get healthy and slim and like quite a good number of people who achieve this - this is now her identity.

I secretly think all people that lose weight and or get healthy/ fit do this- they think they can help the world and start seeing everything as something they can fix. The amount of people I know who used to say so and so wouldn’t stop going on about weight or fitness and now do it themselves is insane

This is like my siblings. ED is in the family. When they talk about this I just go mmmm arrr. You wont be thanked for bring it up. ED are very complex and unless the person wants help or is at high risk nowone can do anything about it.