I think I might BU but need some perspective

[MangaMoo]

I don’t know if IABU here but can’t help how I feel so hoping you guys can give me some perspective.

My DH is a chef and I have just found out that he has been cooking special meals for one of the managers in his work. Nobody else, just this one manager, who is a woman.

Now, I don’t think that anything physical has been happening but I am wondering if he was trying to get her attention, like the start of something maybe? I also wonder why just this one person and nobody else. It also unnerves me that he’s doing special things for other women who aren’t me.

He says it is just circumstances because she asked one time and appreciated it and he likes to be appreciated at work, which I can see but I still just don’t feel happy about it.

AIBU?

I’ve known a few chefs and they are “feeders” who love their food to be appreciated - so this wouldn’t surprise or worry me at all.

Is he vying for promotion? Is he being very open about this to you? It may be co.pletely innocent, it may not, but at least you are alert to it. If I was sure nothing else dodgy was going on, I would caution him about how it might look to his colleagues with him giving her preferential treatment.

Is she his manager? Maybe he’s trying to keep her sweet.

I don’t think it would especially bother me unless you have other reasons to doubt him.

But just one woman?

Making the boss food not to bad tbh
But listen to what he says - she made him feel appreciated. He could be sliding down the affair route
Rip the plaster off and ask him (without rancour) if he feels that you appreciate him. Talk about that. Are you both exhausted? At that dreadful stage where the kids wipe out your energy do there's none left.
Use her meals as a spring board for discussion, not a whip to beat him with and listen. And ask him to listen to how you feel. Maybe if it opens up a can of worms go for couples counselling.

You’ve picked this apart way too much. He didn’t say ‘she made him feel appreciated’ he said she asked him to make her a meal and she appreciated it.

She’s a manager of a restaurant and maybe she’s busy so asked the chef to make her dinner and he did and she appreciated it. There’s probably not much more to it than that. It’s the fact she’s a woman that’s making you jealous because I bet you wouldn’t be concerned cooking for a male manager OP?

How did you find out about it?

He definitely fancies her. Definitely.

Ok so to answer a few questions, no I wouldn’t have been jealous if it was a man so I wonder if it is my own insecurity. But also, I don’t know if he would have made that effort for a male boss? But his boss is a woman so we can’t know the answer to that really.

He could fancy her. I don’t know. She is younger and fairly attractive.

He is a feeder though and likes to be liked so in that way it’s not abnormal. It is just the fact that she has been singled out for special treatment that makes me uncomfortable. But then circumstances I guess.

And as to how I found out, he told me, so it wasn’t anything secretive. He showed me a picture of the meal he made and told me he’s done it a couple of times recently. He has also been very apologetic if it’s made me uncomfortable and very considerate of my feelings and says he does understand my feelings and didn’t think about how it could look to anyone else.

I think I am BU but it’s hard to fight your own feelings sometimes.

@MangaMoo is it an opportunity for him to make something off the normal menu? He’s showing you pictures of it, so he could just be really pleased with his creativity and as the manager appreciates having a meal to eat it allows him to continue doing what he enjoys doing.

A symbiotic relationship perhaps?

Is she single and his type? Is she likely to be interested in him on a romantic level? Or is it extremely unlikely?

Have you had trust issues in the past?

it could be innocent but need more background.

and says he does understand my feelings and didn’t think about how it could look to anyone else.

And it's not only how it looks to you, important as that is. How does it look to everyone else at work? When he doesn't do it for them?

Is he trying to impress her with the end result of a pay rise or a good reference if he wants to move on?

He'd better cook for other people if he doesn't want gossip to run riot though.

Presumably he’s bored shitless of cooking the same things off the menu day in and day out. It’s probably a welcome change to make something a little more interesting from time to time.

I know a chef and he’s run off his feet during service. But also they may not (depending on the type of restaurant) have much chance to create their own dishes so this may be his opportunity to and perhaps get one on the menu? If I found out the guy I know was making special dishes for his boss that’s what would be my first thought, not that he wanted to get into a relationship with her (that’s a good way to end up without a job).

I worked in hospitality for a good few years when I was younger - before, during and after university - and I had plenty of meals cooked for me by chefs in pub and restaurant kitchens when I was on long shifts! Sometimes it was something that was already on the menu but often it was something different because they got bored with cooking the same things all the time.

There was definitely nothing going on! It was just a normal thing.

It is just the fact that she has been singled out for special treatment that makes me uncomfortable

If she was singled out your DH would have singled her out and offered to make the food but you said in your OP that she asked him to make something and she appreciated that he did. I think (even more so after reading your second post on the thread) that it is your own insecurities.
If it was anything secretive why would he show you what he made and who he made it for? He’d stay quiet and you’d never know if there was something hide.

Yes. This is something I’ve pointed out to him as well. Could well start gossip mills running at work even if all entirely innocent. I don’t think this occurred to him but he does see now how it could look.

I wouldn't like it personally (I think that says more about my own insecurities though) but the fact that he told you about it and was showing you what he'd made tells me you've not got anything to worry about IMO.

This is very true and something my logical brain is trying to reassure myself of. I have been cheated on in the past and do have some insecurities. As I say I do feel I am BU but the perspective from you all is definitely helping talk me down lol.

I agree with a lot of the PP who are saying that he likes to show off his culinary skills and do something off menu, I think that’s very true. He just maybe needs to be wiser about making sure the special treatments are shared amongst other senior staff and staff in general to keep the gossipers at bay perhaps (and my insecurities too oops)

My DH is a GM of a restaurant. The (male) head chef makes him off spec meals fairly regularly and my DH really appreciates it. Like the chefs get sick of cooking the same things, the full time staff get sick of eating them day in day out (they’re also generally very calorific!) I am in no doubt this relationship is completely platonic. Similar circumstances with previous male and female chefs too.

I don’t think this alone is much to worry about. However, as it’s igniting some insecurities, I’d have a quick heart to heart. We all need abit of reassurance from our other half sometimes when life of whirling around you at 100mph.

It’s really very unlikely anybody is gossiping.

My employee used to do this for me. Quite a few actually. Keep management/owner sweet/show off talents. My husband was also his boss. I wouldn’t worry

Rubbish

Thanks all. Given my head a wobble now and feel much better about it all, so thanks for a bit of perspective! Very much appreciated!

I think the fact he’s been open about it and been reflective and willing to appreciate how it might look is reassuring.

If he was defensive / tried to turn it round on you it would be more concerning.