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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to skip my in-laws' gathering while juggling everything alone?

39 replies

Kardelen · 13/05/2026 21:01

my husband has severe anxiety and depression so has moved out to his mums ( long story). So I am left with two young children who I am caring for primarily, with no support from the in-laws.

my mil called me, saying her ex neighbour is hosting and inviting her siblings over including whole of my in-laws, so if I can make it.
I said I don’t know ( completely forgot I had already made plans with my son, I just said my sibling might be inviting us for my nieces birthday so I am not sure). But she kept saying it’s at 14:00 so implying I should still go.

but I just remembered I had made plans with my son, so would it be weird now?

would you also attend in this scenario? I just feel exhausted mentally, and physically juggling everything.

I feel like if I don’t attend, she will be harsh on my husband and apply pressure on him as he currently is staying there.
But I also can’t be bothered to go and certainly not ready to mingle around a whole bunch of people pretending that I am happy.
Especially when my life is falling apart.
I do know the ex neighbour, and she is nice. If it was only her, I would have went maybe.

OP posts:
Hatty65 · 13/05/2026 21:04

For goodness sake don't go. Prioritise yourself and the children and don't be pressured into saying yes to anything that feels like an effort.

I wouldn't get back to her on this one and if she calls again just say you won't be coming. You don't owe her your time or your explanations.

Namenamchange · 13/05/2026 21:04

I’m not sure if you and your husband are still together, sometimes I went to ex mil events with the children, sometimes I didn’t. Do what works for you.

can the children go without you?

Octavia64 · 13/05/2026 21:05

Nope

ImFinePMSL · 13/05/2026 21:09

Your MIL sounds like a complete weirdo. She would apply pressure on your husband if you don’t attend a ‘gathering’ at her old neighbour’s house?

Don’t go. You don’t need an excuse. Just say “no”.

I also hope your husband is receiving some kind of professional support? Struggling with poor mental health is hard, but it’s not an excuse to get out of family life and responsibilities.

If his mother is a bit strange and controlling (how you’ve described her) wouldn’t you husband be better off back home with you?

Original poster
Kardelen · 13/05/2026 21:19

ImFinePMSL · 13/05/2026 21:09

Your MIL sounds like a complete weirdo. She would apply pressure on your husband if you don’t attend a ‘gathering’ at her old neighbour’s house?

Don’t go. You don’t need an excuse. Just say “no”.

I also hope your husband is receiving some kind of professional support? Struggling with poor mental health is hard, but it’s not an excuse to get out of family life and responsibilities.

If his mother is a bit strange and controlling (how you’ve described her) wouldn’t you husband be better off back home with you?

He isn’t at the moment. He was previously, but as the support he received didn’t help, he’s on a waiting list. I am lost as to how I can help him. He is also declining meds ( he has health anxiety, and says it doesn’t work for him but uses herbal things).

it is a little bit complicated. We were living at my parents. So he doesn’t feel comfortable anymore and would rather live at his mums.
your spot on. She is very controlling, and has made our life hell previously. He has currently stopped talking to her as well ( as finds it traumatic as he remembers what she put us through, and how she treated him differently to his siblings) and only Goes to the house to sleep. We also live in a quiet residential area, whereas his family lives in a lively city so he feels better outside ( says it’s too depressing at ours).

he also has sleep issues, and thinks he sleeps at his mums better. As he spirals completely without sleep.

OP posts:
FamingolosForDays · 13/05/2026 21:19

What? No.
I say this as the devils advocate. Does she want you to go there under a misguided notion that he will come home with you?

Original poster
Kardelen · 13/05/2026 21:21

FamingolosForDays · 13/05/2026 21:19

What? No.
I say this as the devils advocate. Does she want you to go there under a misguided notion that he will come home with you?

No, but I think she just doesn’t want people to say ‘ o her daughter in law didn’t come’.

OP posts:
MrsLFii · 13/05/2026 21:22

Say no, don’t feel bad. Put yourself first, no one else is going to, clearly.

SpiceGirlsNeedAComeBack · 13/05/2026 21:22

Don’t go, you don’t owe her any favours she should be telling her son to sort himself out and step up.

WilfredsPies · 13/05/2026 21:26

Definitely no. Even if you had no plans at all, you’re on your own, absolutely exhausted and worrying about a husband who sounds like he’s in need of greater help than anyone in the family can provide.

She can be as domineering as she likes, but she’s not your boss. She doesn’t get to choose how you spend your time.

Luckyforsome23 · 13/05/2026 21:31

Tell her you have plans but the kids are free and ask if she wants to come and pick them up.

Scrumbless · 13/05/2026 21:32

Your priority is protecting your peace.

You don’t owe her anything, you do not have to go. Why would you make an effort with people who are doing nothing to support you. Prioritise spending time with the people who love and care for you.

Original poster
Kardelen · 13/05/2026 21:35

WilfredsPies · 13/05/2026 21:26

Definitely no. Even if you had no plans at all, you’re on your own, absolutely exhausted and worrying about a husband who sounds like he’s in need of greater help than anyone in the family can provide.

She can be as domineering as she likes, but she’s not your boss. She doesn’t get to choose how you spend your time.

This is what I was gonna ask, does it change if I never had plans…
I just feel so exhausted. And then to be mingling around just seems too exhausting.
he also has chronic pain ( may be somatic ) so that’s the reason why his moods dip. But again, does not want to take pain relief as feels that when he tried it before, it gave him side effects.

OP posts:
DeeLasVegas · 13/05/2026 21:36

MIL wants you there so you can play ‘happy families’. I definitely would not be going. Just keep to your prearranged plans with your son x

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 13/05/2026 21:37

She can pressure you to keep up appearances / play happy families with HER neighbours?!?! but cant pressure her feckless son to get his shit together and be a decent husband and father????

I find that pretty outrageous.
She should be offering to bring round some shopping / a bit of dinner and/or taking the kids out for the afternoon so you can have a break.

It's a hard no from me.

3luckystars · 13/05/2026 21:38

You do not have to go to any of this crap. Just say you have a headache. Don’t waste your time!!

pizzaHeart · 13/05/2026 21:43

Kardelen · 13/05/2026 21:21

No, but I think she just doesn’t want people to say ‘ o her daughter in law didn’t come’.

Show quote history

I canny understand why should you even entertain going? It’s so weird. It’s not your MIL’s birthday or something. Just txt her : Sorry Sue, I have plans for that day already. Add “sorry” just out of kindness because obviously you shouldn’t be sorry at all.
added: if I haven’t had plans I would still txt the same. I wouldn’t think about you going even for a second: busy or not.

ShetlandishMum · 13/05/2026 21:45

No. I wouldn't. You don't owe her anything.

Bristolandlazy · 13/05/2026 21:54

Hell no, you've got enough on your plate. She can make an excuse for you. She should be helping you.

keepswimming38 · 13/05/2026 21:55

God it all sounds awful. Just say ‘I’m not up for partying right now, for obvious reasons’!

Do you actually want to be in this family op? They sound a bit unhinged tbh.

Shinyandnew1 · 13/05/2026 21:56

Why is she not more worried about people thinking her son has left his wife and family?!

Original poster
Kardelen · 13/05/2026 22:31

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 13/05/2026 21:37

She can pressure you to keep up appearances / play happy families with HER neighbours?!?! but cant pressure her feckless son to get his shit together and be a decent husband and father????

I find that pretty outrageous.
She should be offering to bring round some shopping / a bit of dinner and/or taking the kids out for the afternoon so you can have a break.

It's a hard no from me.

Edited

And then to add, heard she has been complaining I don’t call her, and show her the kids. But we do visit weekly anyway.

and also my husband never comes to my family sides events ( my siblings) because he said he is anxious etc.

OP posts:
WilfredsPies · 13/05/2026 22:36

Show her the kids? She’s their grandmother. If she can’t be bothered to work for a relationship with them, that’s on her.

Definitely no, fuck this one off. You’ve got too much on your plate and you owe her nothing.

Scrumbless · 14/05/2026 11:49

Show her the kids? How about she shows you some support. Tell her to fuck off.

Your children are not performing seals for grandparent points.

Mudflaps · 14/05/2026 11:54

My immediate answer would have been 'Jesus, that's the last thing I need right now'. You have a shit load on your plate and she's trying to pile more on, you need to pull away asap. As for your husband its probably time to get tough even though it'll be difficult, he accepts help or you move on with life without him.