AIBU to feel fed up with one sided relationships and selfishness?

[Lilypad80]

To just be so flipping fed up of other people’s selfishness? I genuinely feel like selling up and moving somewhere far away!

I can confidently say that through my adult life I have been one of the most reliable people you could ever wish to meet. I pride myself on never going back on something I’ve said, I am proud of always being there if someone needs me. Of course I’m not perfect but I have tried and continue to try very hard to do the ‘right’ thing. I have read advice pages when fixed with a delicate situation so as not to say the wrong thing, I have been reflective and asked my brother or respected friends what they think about a situation so that I can rectify something if they think it’s been mishandled by me, I’ve made the meals, cleaned the house, paid for the school trips and good clothes, made sure they went to school and were on time, helped with any applications, paid for the driving lessons and the 1st cars. I’ve been the hostess, I’ve been self deprecating and am never, ever boastful (that does seem ironic as I’m blowing my own trumpet right now but damn it, it’s true.) if I booked a holiday I make sure I play it down a bit so no one feels envious etc (ridiculous I know but I’ve never wanted anyone to feel crappy) I’ve been the person that says ‘no worries’ when someone lets me down so that they don’t feel bad, I’ve given the lifts, I’ve been the babysitter and dog sitter and listening ear. All whilst having a very difficult and busy life with a disabled child. My life will never be my own, I will always have a disabled person relying on me until I die and fuck me I do it cheerfully and joke about it to ease everyone’s discomfort. I’m the DIL from heaven, I ask for nothing (that’s not an exaggeration) and still welcome them into my home regularly, making conversation, making drinks, showing an interest, despite being invited to anyone in the IL’s family approximately 3 times in 20 years and being exhausted 24/7. And do you know not a single person in my life reciprocates an iota. I have older children that make jokes at my expense whilst still wanting to be in my pocket, they want me to be there for them through their mental health struggles whilst completely disregarding the fact that my life is bloody hard and not asking how I am (with any actual interest) not sending cards occasionally on mine of my long term partners birthday like it’s not important despite me modelling never being late or forgetting theirs or their spouses. I’ve started listening more than talking (advice from my Dad) and I’m staggered at how openly rude people actually are to me and how one sided all the relationships are. IL’s booking holidays with everyone in the family invited except us! Friends of my child’s Mums making lighthearted comments about my child wearing branded clothing and how they are glad their child doesn’t, despite me being nothing but pleasant and complimenting their children, offering play dates and helping them out with a school run etc. And in making zero comments about the clothes my child is wearing by the way, I mean they’ve been commented on completely out of any context other than being noticed.

I’m absolutely sick to the back teeth of everyone!

I just need to get it out of my system. I know I should speak up and I probably will but I find it very difficult, I never want to hurt anyone but it feels no one in my life has the same consideration for me.

I honestly can see why so many women end up missing and then gone. It’s relentless and thankless.

Just a big hug OP, that sound’s relentless.
You need to give the measure you get anf stick with it.
Adult kids can’t be arsed to send you a card, then you can’t be arsed to send them one.

Friend making bitchy comments about clothes - she is not your friend.
In laws - don’t entertain them if they are not going to entertain you.
I recommend you read or listen to the let them theory, or listen to it on audio.
You come across as lovely OP, don’t let them all walk over you.

I feel like this OP; I’m very similar to you except I don’t have adult DC. I’ve given my all over the years to end up disabled myself and nobody gives a toss.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, you can only ever count on yourself. Start putting yourself first.

Just remember that nasty people think kindness is a weakness. They don't think of you as a nice person, they think of you as someone they can put down to make themselves feel better. Now you know where you stand with them, don't put yourself out for them any more, you'll just end up feeling like a martyr.

But OP, you have contributed to the dynamic that you’re complaining about. If you position yourself for decades as the endless giver, helper, listener, shoulder to cry on etc etc, you’ve established a situation where you’re everyone’s human service animal. You’ve positioned yourself as someone with no needs, whose relationships are all about catering to other people, while inwardly you’re seething with resentment.

I’m so sorry to hear that.

I have, you’re right. However, unless these people are brain dead surely they can see that it’s not right to take, take, take.

They know it's not right but they just don't give a shit. People are arseholes nowadays. I'm so sorry you're surrounded by them. Definitely start being selfish and thinking of yourself more. Don't be there for everyone else all the time when they won't be there for you

I’m really sorry you are going through this. Take pleasure in knowing you are a kind and thoughtful person who many people would welcome into their lives. I know I would.

But you can’t do anything at all about other people’s behaviour, ever. All you can control is your own. You don’t give more than you can afford emotionally, you say ‘no’ when you need to, you ask for what you need when you need support or help, you challenge people when you need to — you behave like a human being with her own needs and wants and limits! Not an automaton whose job is to service other people.

Honestly, OP, especially with a child whose disability means you will always be his/her carer, you need to take your own needs seriously or you’ll burn out.

Ask yourself why you’re deprioritising yourself all the time with everyone. Who taught you this was the right way to live?

Thank you

I hear you loud & clear. I am just going through an episode now, actually. My friend who hasn't bothered to call or visit in 2 years has landed herself on us because a family member died. Hasn't asked how we are, hasn't cooked a meal, and is apparently not staying for days, but weeks, but can't give us a timeframe.

I've told her how burnt out DH & I both are, and money is tight, but no money has been offered for the meals she sits down to at night, no cooking, hasn't even offered to take out for a coffee or asked how I am. Is about to inherit hugely, too. Just wails about how sad she is for parent she hasn't bothered to speak to in 20 years. Has booked a trip with other friends later this year. I could go on.

I've realised I'm the dull, reliable friend you call on for support, but don't offer the same back to. I'm always on the outers, tossed aside for better offers.

I had a swipe last night when she said she needed 'me' time and I said I don't get any. Still no registration of using the day she's taken off to do anything to help me.

DH is also burnt out with an elderly, demanding parent (who I refuse to help as IL's were abusive to me).

I honestly just don't bother anymore. I am defeated. I'm on the brink of telling friend to leave.

And do you know not a single person in my life reciprocates an iota

That's because you've made it easy for them to take and never give. You've moulded yourself into the most perfect doormat and they are very comfortable with that.

You have to have boundaries in order for people to respect them. That's what assertiveness is - still being a decent person but meeting your own needs too, not just everybody else's to your own endless detriment.

I learnt this the hard way myself. It's shit, I'm sorry.

I think you should tell her to piss off. However, I probably wouldn’t have either. What a mess, sorry.

You are being royally taken for granted. And if you want that to change, then you have to change. I’m sure you’ll get some pushback because people don’t tend to react well when people they take for granted put a stop to it, but you sound like you’re reaching the end of your tether. You’re being used.

if I booked a holiday I make sure I play it down a bit so no one feels envious etc (ridiculous I know but I’ve never wanted anyone to feel crappy) Stop this. You don’t need to brag about it, but you don’t need to play it down either. If someone asks you where’s you’re going, then tell them and that you can’t wait. If they feel envious, then that’s their problem.

I’ve been the person that says ‘no worries’ when someone lets me down so that they don’t feel bad, I’ve given the lifts, I’ve been the babysitter and dog sitter and listening ear This is fine when those people are doing those exact same things for you, but if they aren’t, then it’s time to stop. If they aren’t being a friend to you, then why are you being a friend to them?

All whilst having a very difficult and busy life with a disabled child. My life will never be my own, I will always have a disabled person relying on me until I die and fuck me I do it cheerfully and joke about it to ease everyone’s discomfort Stop joking about it. If someone asks, tell them that you’re knackered and overwhelmed and it’s bloody hard work.

I’m the DIL from heaven, I ask for nothing (that’s not an exaggeration) and still welcome them into my home regularly, making conversation, making drinks, showing an interest, despite being invited to anyone in the IL’s family approximately 3 times in 20 years and being exhausted 24/7 Stop this. If they don’t appreciate you when you’re the DiL from heaven, then why are you still working so hard to make things nice for them? Stop inviting them. If they try and invite themselves, tell them it’s not convenient and you’ve had enough of hosting so someone else can host for a change. What do you have to lose? Let them go to the houses of the people they’re inviting to go on holiday with them.

I have older children that make jokes at my expense whilst still wanting to be in my pocket, they want me to be there for them through their mental health struggles whilst completely disregarding the fact that my life is bloody hard and not asking how I am (with any actual interest) Your children are arseholes. If they make jokes at your expense then tell them that they’re very funny for a bunch of adults who are still poncing off their mum. Remind them that you have done everything possible to make their lives easier and to give them a head start and you don’t understand how they’ve turned into such shit heads (and make sure you swear, especially if you don’t normally. They need a short, sharp shock). Tell them your current approach clearly hasn’t done them any good, so you’ll be treating them the same way they treat you from now on.

not sending cards occasionally on mine of my long term partners birthday like it’s not important despite me modelling never being late or forgetting theirs or their spouses Then stop sending cards. Send a text. And if they ask why you didn’t send a card to their partner, then tell them you didn’t think that you were all bothering with cards anymore, seeing as how nobody bothers sending a card to your partner.

I’ve started listening more than talking (advice from my Dad) and I’m staggered at how openly rude people actually are to me and how one sided all the relationships are Strikes me that your dad is fully aware of how people are taking you for granted and would be very happy to see you stand up for yourself.

Friends of my child’s Mums making lighthearted comments about my child wearing branded clothing and how they are glad their child doesn’t, despite me being nothing but pleasant and complimenting their children, offering play dates and helping them out with a school run etc. And in making zero comments about the clothes my child is wearing by the way, I mean they’ve been commented on completely out of any context other than being noticed Stop offering to help with school runs unless they’re helping you. Stop offering to host their children unless they’re offering to do the same for yours. I’d be tempted to ask why they feel the urge to mention it if they’re so happy with their choices, but if you’re worried about your child’s friendships suffering, then just shrug your shoulders and say that they’re just clothes and all you care about is that your child is clean, tidy and comfortable, the same as them. If they keep on, then tell them that you don’t want to fall out with them about it, but your child’s wardrobe is not up for discussion and that’s the end of it.

@MermaidMummy06 I’m outraged for you. Are you in the south east? If so, I’m happy to offer my services to put a rocket up this woman’s arse, tell her all the ways in which she is a terrible friend and get you your home back.

As Greenday once said, nice guys finish last! You’ve made a rod for your own back. Reclaim yourself.

Don't change OP. You're lovely xxx

The thing is, I did decide to have some boundaries with some of the people. I put them in place and then I was very much made to feel guilty by one in particular. I don’t want to be too outing but let’s just say that because I wasn’t available at the exact point I was needed that I was told something that even the coldest heart would struggle not to feel horrible about. But I’m not stupid, I can see that whilst some things might be hard for them that it doesn’t mean that I should shoulder that or feel guilty.

But that’s irrelevant. The OP is resentful, unhappy, burnt out, and seems to have few healthy, supportive relationships. People-pleasing isn’t working for her. It never does.

If you fashion yourself a martyr, what do you expect?

You need to stop being so available. Stop sending your AC birthday cards and bailing them out. Spend some of the money on making your life a bit easier. So they sulk, let them. I think it's true that people don't value what they get too easily

I don’t think I agree with this. I did what I thought was right at the time. I was just trying my best. I wasn’t feeling like a martyr at all these times, rather that I was just being kind and loving. I didn’t feel resentful and I didn’t expect anything in return. It’s only very recently that I’ve realised that it’s not fair. I grew up in a difficult household (I don’t hold any resentment) but I always feel / felt like I had done something wrong - I can’t change that and how it shaped me. I don’t believe that being a very giving person means that the people around you should treat you like a doormat, I don’t believe that they are blind to what they are doing. I would argue that any educated person should actually treat you more kindly because of how well you have treated them! And some of the people in my life do so I should add. I agree that I need to be firmer and sever some ties and be more assertive but I disagree that this is of my own making. These people should know better.

Thats your opinion. It makes no negative difference what I say to her, im never going to meet her, if I want to say something nice (people pleasing in your words) I can, It has NO negative consequences, only positive, so no you are wrong, its NOT irrelevant.

i hear you and feel the same way , I believe in treat people as you would like to be treated yourself , but understanding we are all different too, I try to be a supportive friend and mother , it doesn’t always come back around when you need it most , but I do feel that it does show up from true friends when you need support , strong believer in karma and Aldo follow ‘ let them’ I know I’m a good person and think you are too, do put up a few personal boundaries and stop being so open to those who don’t deserve you , you sound a brilliant person to know and be around

@Lilypad80 The thing is that when you are a "giver" you need to surround yourself with similar people and not just takers. I respect everyone I know even though they sometimes don't respect themselves. My Mil is a mug and instead of taking advantage of her I tell her to stop being a doormat and to think about herself. So does my dh btw. I'm far from perfect but like you OP I'm reliable and kind. But I find it easier to give than receive- do you recognise that as well?