AIBU to feel fed up with one sided relationships and selfishness?

[Lilypad80]

To just be so flipping fed up of other people’s selfishness? I genuinely feel like selling up and moving somewhere far away!

I can confidently say that through my adult life I have been one of the most reliable people you could ever wish to meet. I pride myself on never going back on something I’ve said, I am proud of always being there if someone needs me. Of course I’m not perfect but I have tried and continue to try very hard to do the ‘right’ thing. I have read advice pages when fixed with a delicate situation so as not to say the wrong thing, I have been reflective and asked my brother or respected friends what they think about a situation so that I can rectify something if they think it’s been mishandled by me, I’ve made the meals, cleaned the house, paid for the school trips and good clothes, made sure they went to school and were on time, helped with any applications, paid for the driving lessons and the 1st cars. I’ve been the hostess, I’ve been self deprecating and am never, ever boastful (that does seem ironic as I’m blowing my own trumpet right now but damn it, it’s true.) if I booked a holiday I make sure I play it down a bit so no one feels envious etc (ridiculous I know but I’ve never wanted anyone to feel crappy) I’ve been the person that says ‘no worries’ when someone lets me down so that they don’t feel bad, I’ve given the lifts, I’ve been the babysitter and dog sitter and listening ear. All whilst having a very difficult and busy life with a disabled child. My life will never be my own, I will always have a disabled person relying on me until I die and fuck me I do it cheerfully and joke about it to ease everyone’s discomfort. I’m the DIL from heaven, I ask for nothing (that’s not an exaggeration) and still welcome them into my home regularly, making conversation, making drinks, showing an interest, despite being invited to anyone in the IL’s family approximately 3 times in 20 years and being exhausted 24/7. And do you know not a single person in my life reciprocates an iota. I have older children that make jokes at my expense whilst still wanting to be in my pocket, they want me to be there for them through their mental health struggles whilst completely disregarding the fact that my life is bloody hard and not asking how I am (with any actual interest) not sending cards occasionally on mine of my long term partners birthday like it’s not important despite me modelling never being late or forgetting theirs or their spouses. I’ve started listening more than talking (advice from my Dad) and I’m staggered at how openly rude people actually are to me and how one sided all the relationships are. IL’s booking holidays with everyone in the family invited except us! Friends of my child’s Mums making lighthearted comments about my child wearing branded clothing and how they are glad their child doesn’t, despite me being nothing but pleasant and complimenting their children, offering play dates and helping them out with a school run etc. And in making zero comments about the clothes my child is wearing by the way, I mean they’ve been commented on completely out of any context other than being noticed.

I’m absolutely sick to the back teeth of everyone!

I just need to get it out of my system. I know I should speak up and I probably will but I find it very difficult, I never want to hurt anyone but it feels no one in my life has the same consideration for me.

I honestly can see why so many women end up missing and then gone. It’s relentless and thankless.

You sound like me

I thought the things I was doing was just normal decent human being things

I wasn't a martyr
I helped people out when they needed it
I offered because I hate asking and I thought others hated asking

I wouldn't say I was rejected as a result, but there's definitely a category of person who thinks I'm just too nice and no reciprocal help was ever forthcoming - post lockdown, prior to that I would say people were different.

cba now.

it was only from here that I found out people see kindness as a weakness. So I no longer offer it.

Yet all your behaviour towards them says ‘Treat me whatever way you like, and I will roll over and still do your bidding’. Don’t you see the contradiction here OP? On here you’re saying continually that other people should behave in a certain way, yet your actions say otherwise.

I absolutely get that this is a survival mechanism left over from a difficult childhood (I had similar), but it’s not making you happy, OP. And you’re the only one that can change things.

I don’t believe that being a very giving person means that the people around you should treat you like a doormat

But if you are excessively endlessly giving and never do anything to communicate your needs, how are they to have the opportunity to do anything except take what you are giving? Why would they value your needs if you don't?

I think it's interesting that even when simply and factually staying that you grew up in a difficult household you immediately felt the need to minimise it by saying you don't feel any resentment. Like you needed to atone for saying it and prove that you're a "good" person who is not blaming anyone else?

If your difficult childhood has set you up with such a passive interpersonal style that you're constantly being walked over, maybe you would be justified to feel some resentment. That would at least show that you value your own needs.

It is possible to be a generous person who also has boundaries and protects and meets her own needs too. It is not either or.

Well my own Mum was very available and never complained. I showered her with love, said thank you and treated her the best that I could because I was grateful. She could have been described as a doormat but to me I recognised everything she had done and there are plenty of people that say things like ‘My parents gave me everything.’ And act accordingly. Of course I can see that I need to change but I don’t believe that me doing everything I’ve done should result in people ignoring my needs or boundaries or failing to be thankful or fair even.

You're allowed to feel fed up. What some of us are trying to say is that you have choices and the power to influence this dynamic.

@Lilypad80 my parents looked after lots of people

My mum is too old now, and dad's no longer here but they were very much into being supportive and helpful to everyone. When dad died, I had so many letters from people about things that I didn't even know he'd helped with - obviously when I was a child, I knew what they were doing, but when I moved out, I was less aware.

It was always reciprocated, though, they were surrounded by very supportive people

I do think that community minded generation is dying out. I would've been happy to carry it on. But others don't seem interested. I do have some nice neighbours though so hopefully there is some of it left.

I usually get told off for mentioning it here, but I thought you might like to know.

I have stopped reaching out to so called friends now. Had a short, one sided reply from someone I thought a friend at the weekend….decided then I am out! I am disabled and really struggling atm….no support from her, I was the person she called upon after her recent operation….another so called friend exactly the same. I have also pulled back from her….I feel so much lighter now. Lonely, of course….x

You teach people how to treat you OP.

I'm a bit like this so understand that it's not that easy to change who you are . Sending a virtual hug xx

But that’s you responding to your mother, OP, and you sound very scared. Your logic seems to be ‘I need to behave flawlessly to everyone at all times and treat myself as always the least important person in the room, otherwise no one will love me’. Yet you’re seething and resentful in ways you’re clearly afraid to show when people take you at your word and treat you like the least important person in the room.

If you don’t treat yourself as though you’re important, no one else will. You are telling them not to. You’re saying ‘Don’t mind me, I’ll just sit here in the dark’ and getting cross when they say ‘Fine’, turn the lights off and go out without you.

For contrast (and I’m a recovered people pleaser, having been brought up by one, so it’s not that I don’t get it) — I centre myself. I say no to things. I pick up the phone and say ‘Can’t talk now’ and arrange another time. I don’t give more than I can afford. I have absolutely babysat and dogsat, but not all the time. I’m a listening ear, but will also challenge and say ‘I have to go now’. I ask for help when I need it. If someone is unpleasant to me, I’ll pull them up on it. I will tell my teenager that, if I’m working, he has to be at death’s door to interrupt. I regard my PILs, of whom I’m fond, as DH’s business when it comes to invitations. I’ve probably only made them a few cups of tea in 30 years, as he’s the cook. I’m assertive about what I want. I never self-deprecate. I think my friends are lucky to have me in their lives.

Yet I have strong friendships and relationships in general. People appreciate me and don’t take me for granted, despite the fact that I don’t keep helping them 24/7.

Yes I do. I like giving and helping, it brings me joy. I don’t really receive anything if I’m honest. That’s a very recent realisation and perhaps why I’m feeling this way. I’ll see the people around me that I’ve been good to, treating one another and putting others first and I’m like an afterthought. Someone that they want to be around because I’m fun and a good listener and I will offer little things that make their lives a tiny bit easier. But it’s only very recently I’ve realised that no one is inviting me anywhere, making me a coffee, bigging me up, asking (genuinely) how I am. I think because I have quite a few people like this in my life it’s been isolated incidents and I’ve not thought too much about it but they’ve all come in one week.

Very interesting and much more helpful than your initial response to be honest. I am reflective and I can see that I could take on some of those approaches. I did do this recently and it was met with some emotional blackmail (I don’t think they realised that it was unfair to drop what they did on me immediately after I set a boundary and it was maybe not intentional but I do think adults should have more self awareness than they showed) but it did happen and I felt guilty. I will try to be firmer. You’ve hit the nail on the head with the comment about only deserving love if I’m perfect. I don’t actively go around thinking that as such but I certainly beat myself up about my mistakes and worry that the people I care about will resent me for them (when they are actually quite minor).