Ending marriages with children

[annoyedatlandlord]

My parents separated in my childhood, which meant I travelled back and forth between their houses. Once they both got new partners and had more children, I never felt truly welcome in either home because my step mum or dad prioritised their own nuclear family by blood.

My parents were deeply unsuitable for each other and would have made each other and me very unhappy had they stayed together, so despite the pain it caused me being divided between two families, it was the right decision.

However I often read on here or hear in real life the advice “is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? Divorce him” in response to someone in a marriage which has lost its shine or there are some differences in lifestyle etc.

A couple chooses to have children, I think keeping the home together for the sake of them is more important than meeting their own wants and whims. Even if that means therapy, hard work and agreeing on differences.

I am not talking about relationships where the couple is deeply unhappy and has unresolveable differences (for example one isn’t pulling their weight), which are making for an unhappy home.

AIBU to think the instinct to break up a family is too quick now?

I agree that ending a marriage if you have kids is a big step and should not be taken lightly. It's also important to consider the impact on children and there are many who show through their behaviour that they don't do this. At the same time, what I see on here is constant examples of men who disrespect, ignore and abuse their wives in many different ways. When their wives have tried and tried to explain how his behaviour is affecting them. And I think their wives should divorce them and this would actually model healthier to their kids. Marriage is ultimately a patriarchal institution which mostly benefits men and therefore for many women the right decision is to end their marriage. And for many this is a step they take after trying and trying for many years

Surely though, this is less about divorcing and more about putting your kids first?

OP says it was best for her parents to separate but she felt left out when they each had second families.

i think it’s best to divorce rather than raise kids in a toxic relationship. But the parents need to focus on the children.

Adult relationships can happen out of sight of children. No string of new partners or do over families. That often seems very damaging.

I'm divorced, and while my ex has attempted to blend families by moving into his partner's home, I have decided to make my home theirs only. I do have a partner, but he will never move in with me as I know this isn't what they would want. Financially it's difficult, but it's the right thing to do.

I'm the same. My exh had created a whole new family in no time after we separated (divorce wasn't even finalised) but I have no interest in doing the same even though my kids are now young adults. They have no relationship at all with their dad's new family but me and them are as close as ever.

I am glad we divorced, the kids are glad we divorced. The problem was never about the divorce, it was about the creation of a new family.

Ideally both people would be selfless and emotionally intelligent enough to communicate about the loss of shine and then work on it before it gets worse.
But admittedly that isn’t always human nature, and nothing can change that.

I think both parties (one by one though) don’t realise the shine is gone until they’ve sleepwalked though a LOT of time being miserable

I don’t know anyone who split up because they were “bored” more like fundamental incompatibility and unfortunately it’s not clear what kind of parent the other person you’ll be when you first meet them. I thought I was marrying a real “family man”, he always prioritised his parents and grandparents whom he was close to, used to drop everything to help when they were in hospital. Unfortunately he was not a good father and resembled a third child. He has taken 1 day off with sick kids in 11 years. Kids are lowest on his priority list.

What many people don’t fully comprehend is that it’s possible to divorce and not immediately jump into bed with someone else and create an additional family. I have no desire for more kids and won’t be moving another man into my home. One of my friends told me out of all the divorced people she knows I’m the only one not to remarry quickly (been separated 5 years, divorced for 2). But that’s very much the expectation, with lots of people saying “you might meet your dream man and have another baby” etc. no thanks!!

I’ve been married 20 years. Been together 25. A few years ago I posted on MN on an old account how I felt trapped, bored, lonely in my marriage. Really down in the doldrums. I convinced myself that I was hard done by, had no freedom - all the things that I feel a lot of women (and some men!) when they’ve been married a long time and they approach their 40s. Many many well meaning members posted to tell me there was more to life than this, he’ll never change, go out and enjoy yourself etc.

Except one lady in 70’s. And her words changed my life. She asked if I thought my husband was bored too (didn’t know if not bothered to ask him)did I do things that made him feel less lonely (don’t know I only saw my own loneliness), had I actually spoken to him about what I thought would help us reconnect (of course not I assumed he should just telepathically know!) or was I just thinking of me, myself and I. She asked if I would be better off (emotionally not financially) without him. I thought a lot about that and the answer always came back as no, I wouldn’t. I went to a lot of effort to make the time to approach him about all the things that he was feeling and all the things I was. We booked a weekend away and for the first day we did nothing but moan about each of our gripes and then we set to work by discussing what we could do to resolve them. And it worked. Out of 25 years the last 3 have been the best and if I hadn’t seen her post or chosen to listen to the majority I would have left him, broken up our family, and would have regretted it. I think a lot of people forget that something like family and marriage need watering and time and patience.

Some people of course are better off apart but I do think a lot of separations these days are just ‘done’ with minimal effort to fix.

Those who have said ending an unhappy marriage isn’t necessarily the problem, but rather creating new families is what hurts children

On reflection I think you’re right. If both my parents had kept their focus on the child they created together rather than their new partners and kids it would have been completely different.

It’s so hard though because I know my mum did it with the best intentions - she wanted to give me a father figure in the home and siblings to be close to. And my stepdad was a great dad to me… until his children by blood came along and he lost all interest!

One of the first questions my only child DD asked when I divorced was if I could have another baby now, but she also asked if I could marry one of her friends divorced dads so that she had step siblings ...😂

But alas I'm 45 and hit menopause early, so there will be no more babies for me, and I certainly won't be marry her friends dad!!

Yes, I think so. I was widowed and have decided not to have a child with my partner in case my daughter feels “less than”, despite the fact that she sees my partner as her dad and he treats her as his own (having raised her since she was 5). I believe the benefits of having a sibling would be outweighed by that negative.

YANBU. 90% of the posts on here from women in shit relationships or marriages become a drip feed of how he’s always been shit or emotionally distant but they decided to get married and have kids anyway, or posters who admit they knew their partner for a few months before ‘accidentally’ falling pregnant. These women don’t think of babies as actual human beings who will have to deal with the consequences of their reckless decisions.

“Once they both got new partners and had more children, I never felt truly welcome in either home because my step mum or dad prioritised their own nuclear family by blood.”

Just commenting to empathise with this OP - my parents divorced when I was young and I always just felt like a visitor, never at home anywhere really.

Their new partners always took priority. If my DH and I split up, I’d just remain single.

Just a story from another perspective… my best friends parents stayed together until she had left home.

Literally once she’d started university they announced they were splitting.. she had no family home to go back to, so felt completely adrift and also very guilty that her parents had basically waited to split until she had left home.

So staying ‘together for the kids’ is also not always a good choice. It has really messed her up.

If you are going to stay together for the kids, you need to do it in such a way that the kids don't know you stayed together for them. If you split up the second they turn 18/leave home or just somehow let it be known that you've only done it for them, it's very likely to mess them up. Especially if you also expect them to be grateful to you for it.

I think a lot of people who say they're staying for the kids are reallh staying for the finances, security and convenience. Which I think is valid, tbh, as long as you're both on the same page about it. But you should be honest, at least to yourself.

I read up a lot and did a lot of soul searching before getting divorced and this was one of the things that i considered.
DD was 6 when I seriously started considering it (before then I couldn't fathom 50/50) and realised that I had a window until purperty to do it or had to wait until well in to adulthood so it wasn't clearly a 'stayed together for the kid' head f*ck for her, but also didn't want it all to coincide with her starting high school, so I gave myself until she was 10. This focused by attention and I completed on my new home a week after she turned 8.

I am much happier, DD seems very settled, the school wellbeing TA is very impressed with how DD is handling it all, and it seems to be all going fine so far.

I agree with this.

This is not a scenario that the op was talking about because my dad was abusive but I know my mum stayed “for me”. I still feel like my mum, maybe just subconsciously, expects me to be grateful for it.

Ironically, if you expect the kids to be grateful, you didn't do it for them.

I think a lot of women say they stay for the kids when they really stay for the security. That's an observation, not a judgement; I can very much understand it. But it does cause problems if you're not honest at least with yourself about it, because eventually the kids will grow up and then what will you tell yourself?

I completely agree with the OP.

If my marriage did end, I also wouldn’t be looking for a new relationship until DD was old enough to be unaffected. DD comes first, ahead of my need / desire to be in a relationship.

I appreciate others will take a different approach.