Ending marriages with children

[annoyedatlandlord]

My parents separated in my childhood, which meant I travelled back and forth between their houses. Once they both got new partners and had more children, I never felt truly welcome in either home because my step mum or dad prioritised their own nuclear family by blood.

My parents were deeply unsuitable for each other and would have made each other and me very unhappy had they stayed together, so despite the pain it caused me being divided between two families, it was the right decision.

However I often read on here or hear in real life the advice “is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? Divorce him” in response to someone in a marriage which has lost its shine or there are some differences in lifestyle etc.

A couple chooses to have children, I think keeping the home together for the sake of them is more important than meeting their own wants and whims. Even if that means therapy, hard work and agreeing on differences.

I am not talking about relationships where the couple is deeply unhappy and has unresolveable differences (for example one isn’t pulling their weight), which are making for an unhappy home.

AIBU to think the instinct to break up a family is too quick now?

I’d tend to agree. I think the hyper-individualism/ “living your best life” mindset imported from the States doesn’t help. But equally I totally accept that there has been a big shift in the marriage “contract” if you like from men being breadwinners and leaving their wives to run the home to a 2 earner household - unfortunately it seems from a lot of threads on the Relationship board that men who benefit from the material aspects of being in a 2 income home don’t want to pull their weight on the home front. So completely understand why you might not want to stay married to someone like that! I guess the key is picking your partner wisely to begin with but that’s easier said than done. The older I get the more I think leaving marriage to chance/who you fancy is a pretty terrible idea and that we should bring back family matchmaking.

children can “adore” the new bloke or woman though just like they can hate their actual parent…see it on here all the time. I have a friend who had her stepdad walk her down the aisle. Her dad was barely invited. Despite him being in her life and not being the reason the marriage broke down…

I separated from my children's father. They would 100% disagree with you, op.

Two happy parents living separately is better than two unhappy parents living together.

No regrets.

I don't know anyone who divorced because they were bored or had some minor differences.

Everyone I know with kids who has chosen to split has done so after years of trying or after something truly awful like cheating.

I suspect they might tell you what they think you want to hear.

I don't think the people you think are divorcing are.

When both people are selfless, emotionally intelligent and can communicate they tend to have long stable relationships. The public veneer couples show and individual peoples abilities in other areas of their lives (work, friendships etc) often aren't replicated in marriage. It also requires both people to have the neccessary qualities.

You have obviosuly been hurt my the way your parents handled coparenting and blended families, but that doesn't mean that other people are throwing away good healthy marriages or doing coparenting badly.

I agree also, more effort to try & make things work & if that is not possible then no more children with someone else. I think a lot of people do this to the detriment of their 1st child/children (although this will not be a popular option).

I think that there are situations where it's necessary for a couple to split but I think that what we're maybe doing too quickly or lightly is bigging up the benefits of doing so for the children. I've seen some right crap on here including that kids of divorce are lucky to have two loving homes instead of one. Yeah I'm still waiting to hear a happily married parent lament the fact that their kids only have one loving home 🙄.

Do many people really upend their lives and families, in all likelihood reduce their financial means, lose their companionship and go through heartbreak, because they are a bit bored? Do they really think they'll ditch the marriage and it'll be like being 25 again?

I just can't believe many people do that. Most people who want to divorce are very very unhappy. Women for sure are far more likely to stay in abusive relationships than leave them. It's notoriously difficult and potentially dangerous.

How many people file for divorce if they are in a fine marriage, not unhappy and there is a minor issue? It is iikely there are tons of small issues that are the one saif outloud but at the core one person is unhappy. It is much easier to grasp the tangible small things than the core issues that are lack of respect, feeling under appreciated and unloved.

Me and my partner are not doing great at the moment. I have not told anyone. I do think we will make it work, but if we were to break up I would say "we wanted different things" to other people.

Interesting that you suspect you know them better than I do!

Unless you are my ex, who has convinced himself that they were scared of me, and that's why they agreed to move with me rather than stay where they were... (they had the option)

Your suspicions are unfounded. But believe what you like :)

I obviously don't know them better, but there are very few circumstances where children want their parents to get divorced.

Divorce rates are lower now than they have ever been in 50 years. The difference between the failure of married and cohabiting relationships with children are four-fold. So, I would say if your partner is too risky to marry or they think you are too risky to marry, then you'd be better off not having kids.

And I know that might get a lot of backs up but it's my opinion. And one that isn't formed through a religious lens, I'm an atheist, I just think it makes for a decent test of viability.

I don't anyone who split up because they were a bit bored or the spark was gone.
It's usually because they were desperately unhappy, not willing to put up with abuse anymore, were worried about the effect on their children living in an awful environment.
Plenty of people find themselves losing a marriage not of their choice because their spouse is leaving them for someone else, or they need space (but it always turns out to another woman usually) or they have unearthed husband has been visiting prostitutes or having affairs or drug issue etc.
I think people like to say people leave marriages without good enough reason but that's not what I have encountered.

I love my steparents, would be lost without them, also love my siblings who have come from those “blended families”.

I went to lunch with my Mum and Stepmum last week it was lovely.

I do think people are quicker to call it quits these days (and have been for the last 20 years or so, not that recent) and ultimately so often the children are the ones who suffer. Whether it’s the “right” thing to do is obviously very individual to the situation, I do think people are now more selfish than in the past (men and women) and don’t want to compromise. For many people splitting up is the right thing, they simply aren’t able to live together, for others well, perhaps working out the best way forward and listening to each other might mean the kids grow up with parents together. However I did stay with exh, we put the kids first and he left once youngest turned 18 (i wasn’t aware he was that unhappy), I feel cheated in a way that I never got the chance of a life with children with my now dh but of course I probably wouldn’t have met him if we had split earlier, he was in his own unhappy stay for kids marriage! After a few drinks we wonder if only we had met (our lives did come close to overlapping by sheer chance) when I was 20 and home 28 before he met his ex wife but then we wouldn’t have the 2 dc each we have nor … well we had had too many beers!

What strikes me with blended families is that when you ask parents they are almost always positive about how they work and how their kids felt about the situation. With the kids it's more of a mix and while some are also positive it's a discrepancy.

There's a difference between wanting your parents to get divorced, and realising after the fact that it was the best decision.

I didn't say they wanted us to split up. My son was very worried about it, because he had seen his things had progressed when his best friend's parents split up. But they, with hindsight, say it should have happened earlier - because life got better for everyone involved.

I did this. He wasn’t happy, ignored me for years, left me to do all the heavy lifting of childcare and housework while he did his hobbies and everyone went on about how wonderful he was. But I didn’t leave because it wasn’t abusive and it meant the children did not lose out financially. He then started an affair, eventually decided he was leaving for that.

I did what you said OP and there’s nothing of me. All anyone has to say about me is how lucky I am to have happy children. I love my children and I’m delighted they seem to have coped ok with coming from a broken home.
I’d do it all again.

But I wouldn’t advise anyone else to do it. It’s miserable having your children telling you what a lovely time they have with dad and his girlfriend but laughing and asking why would mum have a boyfriend when people ask if I’m seeing anyone. It’s miserable that I’ve wasted my life but only get as much credit, possibly less, as their dad in how they’ve turned out. And at the end of the day, the kids haven’t turned out any better or any worse than any other kids I know where the parents arguably prioritised their own happiness.

What if you only have one child? They’d be better off never having a sibling ever?

Correct

The problem is that we pesky women have options now. We can leave. We have realised, now that many of us work full time, that it’s actually worse to work and do all of the housework and childcare, life admin etc, whilst married than it is to be single.
No one is turned on by resentment.
But when you end a marriage because of this, there is frequently disbelief. So many women just do it all and don’t question it that they can’t understand those of us who have enough.
Not to mention those women who, shock, have affairs.
We’re just doing to men what they’ve done to us for centuries.
In two hundred years, marriage and being monogamous will be distant memories. If we’re not all extinct.
7/10 of my friends are happy single mums, as am I. No abuse, just sick of their bullshit.

Yes. Absolutely.

I agree with you to a certain extent.

Divorce was rarer in the past because more women were trapped financially, physically and emotionally. Returning to your parents house in the aftermath of a split isn’t something as shameful as in the past (man or woman) and as women usually continue working while married and the benefits system protect children and low earners better (than the past!), bouncing back is possible.

It’s a good thing that men and women expect and behave better in relationships than they did the past. While there are serious problems like DV, some children and spouses escaping is better than none.

I do think that some people jump into more kids and moving in with new partners scarily quick though. I realise that they are trying to make the new relationship as legitimate and serious as the old one but the end of a serious relationship should have made more people wiser tbh.

I am divorced with kids but our situation is much less complicated as neither of us had more kids. I think that the kids are better off not witnessing and living with my relationship with their dad and that they don’t see our relationship as normal and a basis for their current and future relationships. There was no DV or anything like that btw but I think that my kids should aim for loving and happy relationships rather than repeat their parents’ behaviour.

This comes up every so often on here and I don't think it's particularly true. Divorce is expensive and painful. Nobody, or at least very, very few, gets divorced on a whim. I think this from OP is by far the most common reason why people divorce I am not talking about relationships where the couple is deeply unhappy and has unresolveable differences (for example one isn’t pulling their weight), which are making for an unhappy home.. That can be pulling their weight with chores, pulling their weight with availability, pulling their weight emotionally, pulling their weight financially etc.

Divorce is more common now than it was half a century ago, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. Especially for women. Most children cope very well with having divorced parents. I agree that creating 2nd and 3rd families makes it all much more fragile and open to conflict, but you can get divorced and not do that. I feel like the gripe OP has isn't necessarily with people divorcing, it's about blending new families, which is a separate matter.