AIBU to take my son's phone after he stole £20?

[Summerishere123]

DS13 has stolen £20. I know this because I counted out the cash for a holiday yesterday. I checked it twice and DH checked it. He then put it in the cupboard. We have gone to get it out today and £20 is missing.
I know he has had a few £1 here and there that he has found around the house and have often turned a blind eye. He gets £4 a week spending money and I have told him several times I will up it if he does chores but he wont.
DH says we should ground him for a week and take his phone. I think taking his phone when he is travelling to and from school will cause us more hassle than him but think he should have it taken when he gets in from school and returned in the mornings. Is this fair? To be honest I feel bad because he has always taken bits here and there which we knew, but did nothing about.

Is there something about the journey to and from school that makes it perilous enough to need a phone?

Why have you not nipped this in the bud previously?

I think I'm with you that its unfair to punish him when he didn't know you'd be bothered by £20 in one go but not a cumulative £20.

I'd go with sitting him down calmly, setting the expectation from now on and agreeing a way to recover the £20 e.g. by not getting the £4pw until its repaid or chores to that value.

As a bigger point for not raising a lazy sod, I think I'd also stop giving money for nothing as it sends the wrong message, which is thst there is a basic level of expectation to participate in being part of a family (we are all responsible for the running of a clean home)

Have you spoken to your DS yet? I think this is where you draw the line about picking up bits of cash about the place and you tell him he needs to repay it pronto or to do chores in order to repay it because it's stealing. And from now on he earns pocket money via doing chores. You do need to check he's not being bullied or using the money for something criminal.

Have you spoken to him? Seems odd to go straight to punishment when you haven’t.

I refer to it as Choose Your Own Adventure. A child who admits it, apologises, offers to make it up, has a reason (bullying) gets very different consequences than a child who doesn’t.

Oh and chores aren’t linked to money. DD gets her age in pounds a fortnight and does chores because that’s what families do for each other. Linking chores and money IME makes it firstly a choice, and secondly a battle.

I would investigate as to why he took the money, if he did take it. Are you sure no one else was in the house at all? Did he have a friend over? Do you have a babysitter? A cleaner?

I would see what the circumstances were before deciding an appropriate punishment and how to prevent it happening again.

Instead of turning a blind eye to small amounts you should have been talking to him about what was going on.

Just confiscating his phone isn't enough. You need to discuss what is going on in his life and make sure he really understands that stealing is wrong, and not a solution.

Oh and chores aren’t linked to money. DD gets her age in pounds a fortnight and does chores because that’s what families do for each other. Linking chores and money IME makes it firstly a choice, and secondly a battle.

Same here and I give an allowance that means they have enough to get what kids their age usually need plus a bit extra so I can teach them how to save for long term things and how to donate to charity.

Chores are also required. There is no choice to not do them.

He’s probably taking money because you only give him £16 a month.

I think you've dropped the ball somewhat in not pulling him up on the odd quid here and there.. however.

Pitch it like 'we are aware you've been taking the odd pound here and there and were waiting to see if you'd realise it was wrong and stop. Instead you've escalated it.

What would YOU want to happen if someone stole xxx from you?'

Put the ball back in his court, see what he says. Act based on that information.

Don’t know about you but it’s worked extremely well for DD. Does laundry, dishwasher, helps cook, deals with pets etc. No whining and she’s a saver.

£4 a week is not enough for a 13yo boy, unless of course you genuinely cant afford to give him more.

He is stealing because he is short of money. I would speak to him and try to understand why he did it rather than go straight to punishments

Have you actually spoken to him?
This situation is all a bit silly, you let chores be optional, give him a tiny amount of money for his age and ignore him stealing… why?
Helping out in his own home shouldn’t be optional, he obviously needs to learn to be in the habit of doing chores as he grows up, and he realistically needs a bit more money than that if you can afford it, which you can because you are currently willing to give it if he does chores. Letting him grow up as a lazy thief is doing him a disservice.

Punishment would depend on his reaction for me, but you need a realistic system in place.

I'd keep back his pocket money to compensate as that is a direct consequence. And chores linked to money isn't a good idea, it makes them optional. I don't get paid to do housework, why should my kids. It's expected they do it, there's no debate about it. I'd also say £4 a week seems very little at that age.

I think you really should have addressed this when you first knew that he was taking the odd £1 here and there. Why wouldn’t you?
I’d want to know why he’s taking the money and what is he spending it on?
Sit him down calmly. Ask him why and how he thinks he should pay it back. He’d be having to do chores to earn pocket money anyway really. Even if it’s just tidying his room/loading the dishwasher/washing up/setting the table etc. From a fairly young age, my children had to take it in turns to set the table and they still have to take it in turns to tidy the kitchen if I’ve cooked the dinner for them!

£4 a week is nowhere near enough for a 13 year old. That's your issue.

I’d just withhold the pocket money until he’s paid it back.

I also think £4 a week is not very much (obviously if you can’t afford more then fair enough). But that’s separate - not having enough pocket money isn’t an excuse to just nick some more.

Why did you ignore the other money going?

Nip this in the bud now.

I once stole from family a mid teen (no I would never ever do it now) not an excuse at all ever, but my friends then were really bullies and they'd take all my cigarettes. I was addicted then and used my lunch money to buy them. Because they kept smoking them (I was soft back then and terrified of having no friends due to being bullied) I needed some more so I took some money. I started smoking to fit in with them all.

My mum found out and did the best thing possible. Drove me to a police station car park, threatened to take me in. I was absolutely terrified and denied it and begged. I was crying my eyes out but my word, what a lesson I learned. I would advocate anyone doing this as it worked on me.

I was never a bad child, actually I was a goodie two shoes and me doing that was the worst thing I had ever done as a teen.

I'm exceptionally honest now and would never do anything like that, obviously being an adult and mature!

I actually think this is terrible advice.

I was kept short of money as a child and so I used to steal from my parents. Instead of trying to understand why I did it, my dad marked some coins and left them around for me to take. I spent them in the local shop and the shopkeeper handed them back to my dad as evidence, which he then confronted me with. I was 7 ffs.

All that did was ensure that I was sneakier than ever when I took their money, and led to resentment that my parents had not once tried to understand my motives.

I didn't have formal pocket money at that age and I used to steal. I assume my parents guessed but they didn't say anything. I stopped once i had a Saturday job and thus a guarenteed income

I bet my behaviour wasn't unique

Thanks everyone, I haven't spoke to him as he isn't home from school yet. I agree about him not getting enough. We are not short of money but this is usually managed by DH who is a bit tight and shit at paying for stuff. ( not in a controlling way but a worried we may one day have nothing way).
The other issue is that DS spends all his money on snacks and fizzy drinks and not just a few. He has so many empty wrappers in his room. I help him clean it and a week later there are 12 empty cans on the floor.

What are people giving their teens as pocket money?

I give her age in pouds a fortnight and have since she was small. It's pure fun money and through spending it on shite when small she leaned and now saves.

You need to talk to DH and DS and have a much better system!

He does not need help cleaning his room!

Well, it will certainly make him more careful next time he takes something that isn’t his

DD14 gets £10 a week plus more if doing something in particular like cinema etc.