AIBU to take my son's phone after he stole £20?

[Summerishere123]

DS13 has stolen £20. I know this because I counted out the cash for a holiday yesterday. I checked it twice and DH checked it. He then put it in the cupboard. We have gone to get it out today and £20 is missing.
I know he has had a few £1 here and there that he has found around the house and have often turned a blind eye. He gets £4 a week spending money and I have told him several times I will up it if he does chores but he wont.
DH says we should ground him for a week and take his phone. I think taking his phone when he is travelling to and from school will cause us more hassle than him but think he should have it taken when he gets in from school and returned in the mornings. Is this fair? To be honest I feel bad because he has always taken bits here and there which we knew, but did nothing about.

I don't think anyone is justifying stealing, but real life is nuanced. Whether it's stealing depends on who owns the money, and people have different ideas about whether money in a family is owned individually or collectively - as we see on MN, in all the countless threads about joint vs separate finances in a marriage. To take that example further, if I left £20 on the side and then my DH needed some cash to pay the window cleaner and used it, I wouldn't consider my DH to have stolen from me. It's not too much of a stretch to think that a 13yo who's spent years taking the odd pound here and there when needed and never being told off for it would think that's how it works for him as well.

Soooo it turns out that he took the money when I ask him to go and buy something from the shop. Instead of taking a couple pounds he took a £20. He did keep £5 and we have had words about him taking money from around the house, I’ve said I’ll increase his spends so he doesn’t feel the need to. I’m glad I didn’t go in all guns blazing!

@Summerishere123, you had a chat about
it, found out the full facts. He understands that stealing is wrong and talking to your parents clears up misunderstandings. All good!

Or it teaches him that even though he did the wrong thing, that doesn’t mean his parents didn’t also make a mistake.

The same is true for my 16 year old. She has never been paid for doing the bare minimum of helping around the house.

If my parents left £20 on the side, I knew it wasn’t for me. Same in my house. If my children needed the cash, they’d have asked. Just taking it and not saying anything is stealing in most people’s book.

Yes but can you see that not everybody is you and also that by not batting an eye at the previous small amounts, OP and her DH could have given the impression it was fine?

It sounds like there has been a good outcome now, so hopefully the son will understand expectations going forward.

Yes it worked in our family too, tho it was mainly about walking the dog.
Yes kids should help up but some don’t, however much you try to encourage them, so it’s an incentive

Have you told school? DD took money (at least £5 on more than one occasion and a £10 note another time). We know she is doing it to buy sweets, she's in Y7 and walks herself to the bus.
When she's taken a note we told school and they had a word. When it was coins we stopped her pocket money.
Her chores are linked to screen time as is homework. No homework or chores, no screen time. Kicking off about them, no phone.

Ok I don't really see it that way but each to their own.

DD13 gets £20 per week. We decided the amount together based on her average weekly spending when she started year 8. Before that I’d give her money when she needed it but that wasn’t helping her to budget.

in your situation, I would sit him down and find out what the money was for. Ask if he thinks it’s acceptable to take money without asking. Maybe he does. Then I’d explain that if he needs more for anything, he needs to ask, as what he did was stealing.
I’d then talk to him about how much he thinks he needs per week and how he’d like to receive it (weekly, monthly, cash, card). If he has a voice in the decision he’ll be much less likely to steal again. I’d up his pocket money to at least £10 per week, depending on your chat. For the first 4 weeks he’d receive the new amount minus £5 to pay the amount he owes you back.

id also give him a couple of non-negotiable chores that are not linked to pocket money and tell him that everyone in the household needs to pull their weight. Start with a couple of easy ones, unloading the dishwasher, feeding pets and build from there.

I agree, and glad to see someone else thinking the same.

£4 would maybe get him 2 bags of crisps and 2 cans of pop from your local shop. It's not really enough.

I can see the benefit of tying it to chores... But in my house growing up, pocket money was given every week regardless, but chores were shared, in the expectation of "this is everyone's house - we all pitch in."

Perhaps the pocket money should stop until the theft is paid back. But moving forward, tie it to chores at a decent rate of return. Then he can quickly see that if he pitches in and helps, he can make a lot more, a lot quicker.

Unless she stole from someone at school I don't understand why you'd tell them...it's not for them to manage, you're the parent

School is cash free, so by bringing cash to school she was breaking school rules. She could get it stolen at school (she's very careless, but also if she thought it was daring and fun she might have told someone). She might have taken it due to bullying at school, or to please a "friend" at school - school are already on the case for her behaviour and unhealthy friendships.
All reasons school needs to know. They had a word and kept it safe till home time.

13 years old and only £4 a week?
Teenage boys are notoriously lazy as are some of the girls but he can't even go to the cinema on £4

£4 a week. That’s barely a drink and a packet of sweets!

Pocket money seems a bit mixed around here. I give both 13 and 16 year olds £10 a week but grandparent also gives them some monthly. One is a saver and one is a slender. The saver did t even want the extra when I upped it from £5 to £10.

It’s been interesting as she went out with a friend one day and her friend’s mum had given the friend £20 for them both to get lunch. Friend doesn’t get a set amount but when she goes out with friends her parents just give her money. If I did that my slender would be out every weekend spending for the sake of spending.

One of my rules is that there’s food in the house so if they choose to go out for food with friends they pay for this themselves. Just makes them think now and again.

On the other hand her other friend doesn’t seem to get much spending money and my DD was offering to buy her a ticket to a gig we are going to as her friend can’t afford it. Well my DD can’t really either but wanted to use her full monthly among her grandparent gives. I told her whilst this is nice the likelihood would be that she would be asking for money for the rest of the month when she wants to meet friends - she often asks for an extra couple of quid here and there. She’s also very generous with friends’ birthdays but then leaves nothing for herself. She’s a people pleaser though and likely undiagnosed adhd so the dopamine hit is probably to blame here.

Oh and 13 year olds do just spend on sweets and drinks. The amount of rubbish that comes out of her room is ridiculous.

@celticprincess, we had to put restrictions on DGDs spending on friends birthday presents.

Young ones being given spending power do need oversight and guidance. Understanding the importance of saving and money management is crucial.

My DGD now understands. I look back, she is now in year 10. In year 7, she was buying everyone that asked, cookies from the canteen. We laugh about it together now. She is much more money savvy.

Absolutely not taking anything away from what he’s done, it’s abhorrent of course.
However just re: pocket money - that’s not enough for a 13yr old. He should be doing chores regardless of whether he ‘agrees’ to them or not! He’s 13!

My 11yr old gets £20 per month (soon to be increased) and thankfully she saves it and rarely spends anything but by the time she’s 13 she’s going to need money of her own as your DS will.

I do agree with PPs though, allowing him to swipe the odd £1/2 here & there has allowed him to think it’s ok to take what isn’t his, enabled him to see the ‘benefits’ of it as well as zero consequences. Rather than you telling him firmly & clearly the first time that it’s absolutely wrong and that there’ll be consequences.

I think £4 a week is a.strange amount of pocket money and guess he may feel embarrassed amongst his mates at his lack of money. Obviously that’s no excuse for stealing, but I don’t think taking his phone will solve anything. I think you need to sit down with your son and discuss the whole situation. I also think you need to up his pocket money to a more realistic amount although obviously not at the moment as he will see it as a reward for bad behaviour..

Seriously £4 a week for a 13 year old, it would just about buy a sweet, bag of crisps and pop if he is lucky to last a whole week....either way if one of ours had ever taken something not belonging to them it would have been nipped in the bud straight away..

Phone for school journey then he hands it over after school until the next morning?

He's been asked to do chores for more money but hasn't.

My daughter gets £10 a week. She's 14. Her friends don't get pocket money. I was surprised 😯

Hmmm… unfortunately by not pulling him up on the small amounts of money, you’ve taught him that just taking stuff is ok. You need to pull him up on this in case he starts doing it in other people’s houses.