How to handle this

[Covermeinrainsrops]

I have a 12 year DS from my first marriage and two 7 year old girls with my current DP.

DS sees dad eow but he has recently moved a bit further away and DS doesn't want to go for the whole weekend as he likes to see his friends etc so he is going two Saturday nights a month. His dad used to bring him to football once a week for me but when his new gf got pregnant and he told me he was moving I said that we would have to look at CSA payments as I knew moving further away he wouldn't be around to help out as much as he did (once a week to football as my DP works shifts and the football was at my DD bedtime). So we had an agreement that I wouldn't take full CSA if he did one football training a week (I did the other football training night).

Anway when I went to CSA it turns out he had been underpaying by £200 a month for the last 9 years...he told me that he wouldn't be doing football anymore for DS if I dared take the full CSA anyway I did so he is now being very very difficult about everything.

DS has summer exams starting and he is in grammar school so it is very full on- we got into an argument last night about his studying and he said how he would much rather live with his dad and his new gf and their baby as its nicer in their house. We both calmed down and we spoke and he said I don't do anything fun with him when he goes to his dads his dad does, he also said I shout and nag too much. I do shout a lot our house is very full on and the DD are a handful. I am a bit hurt that DS is thinking like this as I do everything for him and his sisters. Even when he is with his dad his dad won't give him any money for things so I have to send DS money if he wants something (because he pays CSA). His dad goes on numerous holiays a year with his GF we do one family holiday a year myself and my DP never go away just the two of us because we can't afford to. The children always come first. Obviously I can't say this to DS but I am just a bit disheartened that dad who does so little is seen as being the best. I asked DS would he prefer to live with his Dad full time and he said maybe eventually. How can I handle this? I do tell DS off about his school work and for these tests I am being hard on his to study as he has failed his last set of tests because he didn't study at all so I gave him the chance to be independent it didn't work so back to my rules about school.

Nothing you can do about it.

When I went through cms because whilst he was paying me every month, it was always late and I hated chasing it, it was almost embarrassing.

He ended up having to pay around £50 more a month, went from £630 which we'd agreed to £678. So he refused to do any more hair cuts or take them for their mcdonalds on his weekend.

But after around a year he's started to calm down a bit. Will buy them a take away and lets me use memberships to things hes paid for for his time.

Don't press it. You can't send your son to live with him over this surely

In the most polite way, you caused this. So now you have to find a way to deal with it. And open up a bank for your lad so you can keep an eye on his spending.

And it's always wise to let your kid know the grass isn't always greener.

Weekend life is nothing like all week every week.

I think I would try to cut through all the background stuff that ds isn't and shouldn't be aware of and focus on what he actually said: he wants more time with you. So make it happen. Not being funny but you do now have £200 a month more than you had before and the travel to and from football isn't going to cost that much so I do think you could take him out for lunch or something else of his choosing now and again.

Regarding moving in with his dad, I'd set out that the reality is unlikely to be better with a baby around but you'd be open to him working up to that if it's what he wants but all you ask is that he spends a few half terms there first to get a fuller picture and accepts that if he does move in then he will likely need to change schools so the timing for that would need fo ne discussed and agreed.

Eta: a few half terms there would probably 1. Show his dad making excuses for why it can't happen and 2. Let ds see for himself what it would be like in reality.

OP, children’s loyalty to their own parents is just a fact of life. My DC tolerate my DH, (their stepfather) despite the fact that we’ve been together for almost 25 years and he was very good to them when they were growing up in terms of money/lifts/being accommodating/nit ever being drawn into arguments. They would acknowledge that their own father falls short in many ways (he never paid me a penny after our divorce - ran rings round the CMS) but that’s my fault for having married him and given him to them as a father! OP, I’m afraid you’ll just have it put up with it - you don’t have DC because you expect them to be grateful!
Oh, and don’t shout at your children - it doesn’t achieve anything, and just makes a bad atmosphere for everyone. Easier said than done, I know.

Your son has the classic Disney dad… of course he wants to live with him because at the moment he never gets nagged about school work or tidying up etc. you can explain this to your son (not in arguments but when calm) but ultimately it will still come out in arguments.

you need to separate the issues. School work is not negotiable and if he starts failing the. There’s consequences.

he’s welcome to discuss with dad more time with him.

just make sure he’s not bottom of the list behind your DDs…. He needs as much of your time even tho he’s older… maybe even more as teens are trickier and your DDs have their dad on hand. Make sure he’s gets your time and attention

Your DS has told you what he needs from you, listen to him now or your relationship will fracture beyond repair.

I can guarantee the pregnant girlfriend won't want a 12 year old moving in. He is stuck with you

My post wasn't about the CMS DS dad does the bare minimum and always did eow and one football drop off and pick up a week isn't going above and beyond for your child but he has always made it out like he has. It's frustrating as I drop everything for the kids but DS is only seeing how great his dad is. Now from his dad moved he has been there for two nights. One night he brought him to play football the other night he played football out their back with the gfs younger son. The weekend I had him in between I brought him and three of his friends to a trampoline park. I let him bring his friends to our house for sleepovers etc his dad never did.
He actually gets a lot of one on one time compared to my daughters- me and my partner do a movie night with him every week and him and my partner have a shared hobby they do most nights. I am just frustrated that dad is wonderful and I'm a witch because I have to do all the boring naggy stuff

He also doesn't want to go to dads the whole weekend as he wants to be able to see his friends and the first weekend after dad promised he would bring him over to go to plans with his friends he didn't...I also don't think it's fair on me to have to travel an hour round trip to bring him over to go out with his friends just because dad can't be bothered

Are you sure your ex hasn’t been saying things to your son with this csa money in mind?

Some men are callous like that

I wouldn’t let my child go - I would reach out to your ex and say he is better off with you guys because I mean he would need to move schools

Have faith in your son OP.

Im a full grown adult now but growing up I very much had a Disney Dad, pure fun when we visited, no rules, a pony, Disneyland trips etc.

Mum (and stepfather) were completely normal, rules, school and normal fun!

I never doubted where home was and what real life meant!

Your son is just saying what he knows hurt you in the moment.

I'd point out to your child that, of course you 'nag' more: you are the parent responsible for getting him to school, ensuring he gets his homework done, answering school admin, looking after him if he's sick, washing and drying his clothes, juggling all his life with your own and keeping the house sorted.

Whereas he goes to his Dad's very little and his dad doesn't need to do any of that, he can just concentrate the very little time they spend together on 'fun'.

I'd suggest that if he went to live with his dad and has dad was responsible for all that, it would be very different.

Sometimes you need to spell it out for them. Yes, Mum may seem more 'boring' at times but that's because she's been lumbered with the often boring mundane life tasks. Nobody gets excited about the prospect of endlessly washing PE kits or dragging their teen out of bed in the morning. Dad doesn't need to do any of that! Of course dad seems more fun to him!

Why don't you send him for a week in the holidays? Give him a better idea of his dad's than a Saturday every other week.
And if they're always going away how come he never has an invite?

And I know you didn't ask this but I'd push through CSA for the full amount. Screw Disney dad and his bargaining when he's not upholding it.
Maybe if you had more money from him, you and your son could use it to have some lovely trips out together.

I know I probably should but I know what his dad is like he will let him lie in bed and room scroll or game. The amount of times I've had to stay up late on the phone to DS because he has done nothing but game all weekend and then when it was time for bed he couldn't sleep and he don't want to annoy his dad. I also work full time and my DP works full time shift work and a second job we are busy and make sure the kids don't miss out on any activities. But he's only 12 I don't want to point all that out to him and make him think I begrudge it because I don't I just get annoyed that his dad makes whatever plans he wants for himself and his gf and doesn't have to consider DS at all.

so from last summer they went to
Spain (took DS for five days)
Portugal (went alone)
Edinburgh (went alone)
spain again (went alone)
New York (went alone)

I don’t think I would do anything, except press for what I’m owed on CMS. If it ever gets to the point where DS seriously wants to go and live with his father and his father and new GF seriously plan to take him then I would also suggest things like grammar school being a fantastic opportunity you don’t want to lose, a new baby in the house will take everyone’s time and stop them having fun etc etc. I think it’s not unusual for teenaged boys to want to go and live with their dads, which is very tough when you’ve brought them up after dad left, but children do have two parents and they can choose…

I think you can only focus on what you can change. Your son has been honest and told you he doesn't like it at yours and given reasons why - you don't do things with him and shout a lot.
Is there truth in that? Do your focus more on the girls and your partner and he is excluded from those activities, or the activities prioritise their interests and not his?
You admit it is a noisy household so how can you change this? Why is it so bad?

Stop giving him money to take to his dad's. His dad can pay. His dad won't want him there everyday if he barely sees him now. Can't believe the poster saying you caused it ..for asking a grown man to pay for his child

I would try to limit the shouting and do a few more fun things one on one, but that's it. Eventually your son will cotton on he is a Disney dad. But don't facilitate the Disney dad behaviour by sending money! That's money he can spend with you or his friends

It sounds like you are a brilliant mum. It’s so unfair that all the responsibilities fall to you because his dad is useless and you end up being the ‘boring, nagging parent’. His dad isn’t doing anywhere near the bare minimum. If your son did start spending more time there he’d soon see the grass isn’t greener, especially with a new baby there. I know how frustrating it is to bite your tongue but your son will see him for what he is eventually. Please don’t feel you need to cover for your ex, on his days, he should be providing everything that DS needs. Let your son see how useless he is.

Your ex doesn’t take DS to football for you, he does it for his son. He can explain why he won’t take him to football anymore. He also made the choice to move further away so if DS wants to see his friends at the weekend, he needs to provide lifts or explain to his son why he won’t.

The fact that you stay up late to talk to your son because he’s scared to annoy his dad says it all. He feels safest with you and that’s what’s most important, DS will realise that in time. Your exes behaviour is appalling and you’re right, it’s really unfair.

Of course hes the best he doesn't have to deal with the daily upbringing he sees him 2 days a month if he moved there you would become the fun one , maybe explain that to your son hes old enough to understand

Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do, OP. It sounds like you're being a good parent - you care about your child's future, which is why you're concerned about his study habits etc. Your DS lives with you 99% of the time, so of course your home seems like the boring one, because you're the one reminding him to clean up, do homework, study, go to sleep at a reasonable time so he's not too exhausted for school etc. His dad only sees him once a fortnight, so he can afford to be Disney Dad and have no rules for that one day.

I do think you should ask yourself whether there are some things you can change, like managing situations so there is less shouting, relaxing some rules and setting aside time for you and DS to have fun, or even just 'down time' together.

I can’t see what you are doing wrong except the shouting , which you can do something about . Stop giving him money to go to his dads the money he provides is for when he is with you not for using there and if your son queries it tell him that

DS is never left out and my DP adores him like he's his own and everyone comments on that. Last week he wanted to try a new wing place near us so we brought him to that. When it comes to the girls doing activities I never force him to come and I work it so I would take them to soft play on a Sunday morning while he has a lie in (football is Saturday morning). We bring the dog on family walks together but most of the times he'd rather go out with his friends than do that which is fine.

i do shout a lot not in a nasty or threatening way but when I ask the kids three times to do things then I will shout at them to do it. DS is veryyyyyyy easy going takes ages to do anything but tbh I don't shout at him that much I have his phone on downtime limits which he hates too but I'm not gonna change that.

my daughters are two hand fulls even their teacher has said so they cause a lot of loudness in the house and have got very difficult the last three months so we are really trying to work on their behaviour. My son actually is a very good child he has his moments like them all but he never gives me any real bother so I think that's what shook me a bit last night

When I was 2 my parents divorced, I saw my dad regularly on weekends until I was 7 and then we moved further away for my mums work. After that I spent most school holidays with Dad and I always wanted to go live with him as yes, as you say, his house was the more fun house and home mum had to do the nagging, bedtimes, homework stuff. I loved my mum though and knew that I would never actually go and live with dad. As I got to 14/15 friends and boyfriends got much more important and I wanted to spend less time at my dad's. I guess what I am saying is the parent who has most custody will always end up doing most of the parenting and there isnt a lot you can do about that. Your son sounds like a lovely lad just trying to negotiate life and managing living with divorced parents and blended families best he can. Give him and yourself credit for that.