To feel my life as a step mum was completely thankless?

[cornicclover]

I met Dh at 16 and he had just had a baby with another 16 year old but even though we had dc at weekends she couldn’t cope and by the time he was 2 she gave him to us “unofficially” but said she didn’t want him back.

We looked after him and brought him up and “mum” saw him at weekends.
in between her violent relationships she saw him at her parents house as she had sporadic housing situations.
When stepson was 13 she married and had two children who she brought up which led step son to think she wasn’t the bad mother we had painted her to be so he moved in with her and her husband and siblings at 17.

She has since painted the picture that I took over and wouldn’t let her be a mum to him, despite juggling work and child care while his dad didn’t actually lift a finger.

I liked after that boy since he was 2 and as the only one working for much of the time due to his dad depression I feel like I did the whole load just for his mum to say I took over when I had no business to and prevented them having a relationship because his dad was too bone idle to sort out any contact.
I went to parents evening as a concerned parent but now she says she couldn’t go to parents evening because I went and didn’t tell her about it.
Step son now 21 now believes I kept him from his mum and now he lives back with his mum he won’t see his dad because he lives with me and feels sorry for his mum because she has convinced him that I didn’t let her be part of his life because I went to parents evening instead of her and she now says she always wanted him back but I wouldn’t let her as I saw him as mine now and she told him his dad was too scared to argue with me.

I feel so unappreciated and now he lives back with her and because we never married she says I’m not even a step mum just his dads latest girlfriend (of 23 years)
and he’s completely cut off contact.

She should have been on the school records, I think that it was unfair for her not to be because she was a ‘weekend mum’. ‘Weekend dads’ are still on school contact lists. However, all she would have needed to do was contact them herself and request that. She chose not to do that for 13 years. Fault on both sides, but mostly hers.

Similarly, she could have got shared custody at any point over the years - as his mother, if she was as good as he thinks she was, she’d never have been refused.

I would also write to him outlining my side, trying not to disparage his mother too much - focus on basic facts - but do point out how young you all were and that everyone was doing their best at the time.

Finally, your ‘D’P is a waste of space and I hope you don’t waste more of your life catering to him.

Read this post lots of times as it makes so much sense.
I personally would be incredibly hurt.
I wonder why you stay with your DH. You are still young and could have a whole better life if you want to.

Of course he would rather believe you got in the way than that he was abandoned by his shitty mum. I'm sorry for the pain she has caused you.

Why on earth are you still with your lazy usless 'partner'?

How much older than you was your partner, who was getting together with multiple sixteen year olds…?

What doesn't make sense about her version of events is if someone tried to stop me seeing my child I would fight tooth and nail, go through the courts, do everything possible.

He's doing a lot of mental gymnastics to line everything up and accept her ridiculous stories.

The wound of having your mother reject you for so many years runs very deep and I imagine he wants to feel loved and wanted by his mother, to the detriment of the truth and relationships with anyone else.

He's young and won't understand this drive right now but maybe he will when he's older.

It is sad and unfair on you but all you can do is remain open to him connecting with you again in the future.

Obviously it's painful and you have raised him too. TBH though I'm quite surprised you took on parenting a step child at just 18yrs and followed through with doing all the school runs etc... My daughter is 18yrs and I would be horrified if someone else dumped there child on her at that age including a partner.

However I'm also a single parent have always added details of there other parent on to there school record so I do think school should of at least known who she is to be able to send her school reports etc. That's quite normal.

Ultimately the harsh truth is that step children want their biological parent and as a step parent you are support. You have taken on Parenting and crossed the line. Where is dad in this backing you up correcting his mother’s lies. All you can do is tell him in the truth and hope he sees the truth one day.

I would forgive your step son. The adults are are going to lie to the child about what happened, to make themselves look good. They are not going to say "i didnt want you at the time"

I grew up as a child in similiar circumstances. My mum and dad broke up. My dad met a new woman.

My dad said my mum took us children away from him and refused to let him see us.

My mum said that my dad refused to see us.

To this day, I still have no idea what is the truth. Both of them told me different stories. Both of them told me a story that makes them look like the good person. I have no idea what actually happened

Yes it is easier to think that your parent didnt reject you.

For a long time, i thought that my mother stopped my father from seeing me. As that is what he told me on the few occasions that I saw him

When i got older, I had to accept there was another worse possibe truth, which was that - he just didn't want to see me. He wanted a selfish easy life.

This is a sad situation for everyone involved, most of all for the boy.
You raised the boy for his entire childhood and he’s walked away from you. That must be incredibly painful for you. He seems to blame you, while you are blaming his mother, none of you seem to place any responsibility with the father, who got a child pregnant, walked away and got together with another 16 year old.

Playing devils advocate here, the mother had her baby at 16, presumably she got pregnant at 15, she was a child. Her “boyfriend” walked away from her and the newborn and got together with someone else. She struggled to cope. She “unofficially” gave the baby to you and his father, you just went along with this. What help was arranged for her to help her cope? Any mental health support? Practical support? Financial support? How involved did the father get during the week? Where were her parents? She was a 16 year old struggling to cope and everyone blamed her. After this, how much effort did you and your partner make to include her in parenting choices, schooling, anything? I wonder if you both just found it easier to close her off. She then became a victim of domestic abuse in another relationship. She must have only been early 20s still, very young. Again, who helped her? Where were her own parents in all of this? Social services? She finally found stability in a good relationship and wanted to build a good relationship with her son.

I feel sad for you and I hope you can rebuild a relationship with the boy, but in all honesty I have a lot of sympathy for his mother. I suspect the portrayal you’ve given of her walking away and not wanting involvement is not a fair representation of how events played out. The father is a dud who doesn’t deserve sympathy.