To feel my life as a step mum was completely thankless?

[cornicclover]

I met Dh at 16 and he had just had a baby with another 16 year old but even though we had dc at weekends she couldn’t cope and by the time he was 2 she gave him to us “unofficially” but said she didn’t want him back.

We looked after him and brought him up and “mum” saw him at weekends.
in between her violent relationships she saw him at her parents house as she had sporadic housing situations.
When stepson was 13 she married and had two children who she brought up which led step son to think she wasn’t the bad mother we had painted her to be so he moved in with her and her husband and siblings at 17.

She has since painted the picture that I took over and wouldn’t let her be a mum to him, despite juggling work and child care while his dad didn’t actually lift a finger.

I liked after that boy since he was 2 and as the only one working for much of the time due to his dad depression I feel like I did the whole load just for his mum to say I took over when I had no business to and prevented them having a relationship because his dad was too bone idle to sort out any contact.
I went to parents evening as a concerned parent but now she says she couldn’t go to parents evening because I went and didn’t tell her about it.
Step son now 21 now believes I kept him from his mum and now he lives back with his mum he won’t see his dad because he lives with me and feels sorry for his mum because she has convinced him that I didn’t let her be part of his life because I went to parents evening instead of her and she now says she always wanted him back but I wouldn’t let her as I saw him as mine now and she told him his dad was too scared to argue with me.

I feel so unappreciated and now he lives back with her and because we never married she says I’m not even a step mum just his dads latest girlfriend (of 23 years)
and he’s completely cut off contact.

That must hurt a lot. The kids are young adults but maybe one day they will see through their DM and realise/figure out that things weren't quite how she made them out to be.
I seriously wonder about your DH though, not doing anything or standing up for you. I think you should be more upset about that rather than a couple of kids that sound like they've been through a lot. The desire to stay loyal to their natural parents is strong. If your DH had been a better DF, then this whole situation probably wouldn't have happened. His lack of care made it look like you were controlling. You were only trying to do your best by them.
My now ex DH wasn't a great Dad to his kids or to our own, the reason why I left him.

Yanbu to feel sad.
You have a partner problem. I would reach out to mum and tell her you’re so sorry to find out she felt like that you’d have loved her to be more involved but dad never sorted it. It wasn’t your wish though and you’d love to meet up and hear her out.

was mum actually stopped from going to parents evenings? Surely she would also get the emails from school about them, or were they letters?

I do think you have a judgmental attitude to mum- dads who only see their kids at weekends don’t get called ‘dad’ they’re just dad.

What does him unofficially living with you mean? That she kept the benefits?

You DH should be honest with his son and should have told him that you did him a great favour. Why haven't he done that?
But tbh never expect children to thank you whatever age they are.

That is heartbreaking, I’m so sorry. Both of this child’s parents are arseholes imo, and if I were you I would cut my losses and walk away from the lot of them.

Gosh this is spiteful- you took on her son and loved him and for that she should be forever in your debt

I would be telling the son a few home truths and if he doesn’t want to believe you then I’m afraid there’s not much you can do

Sorry this happened to you both

When stepson was 13 she married and had two children who she brought up which led step son to think she wasn’t the bad mother we had painted her to be

That poor young man must've gone through such upheaval and it must've really hurt him that his Mum basically said "have him" to you and his dad but went on to have two more children.
Did he really think she wasn't too bad or did she go overboard overcompensating

Cut your losses and walk.

@70isaLimitNotaTarget

the mother obviously matured when she had her other two kids and started acting like mother of the year

I'm sorry this happened to you. His mother has rewritten history - she can hardly tell him the truth, can she? That she handed him over because she preferred to live her life without the responsibility of caring for a young child.

Unfortunately, your partner appears to also have shirked his parental responsibilities so it was all left to you.

It's very hurtful and it's understandable that you are left feeling so sad. I hope that in the future he will realise that you were the only one there for him.

She was not involved in the school as she only saw him at weekends so the school only had our details when we enrolled him.
When I say unofficially I mean not through courts or anything, we claimed child benefit and she was just a weekend mum who never reached out to me to go to parents evening but asked my son to tell her when it was which obviously he didn’t because I was going so he felt awkward what to say so she told him she wasn’t allowed to go because he didn’t want to upset me.
My partner refused to speak to her but she had my number and I made all arrangements for her contact but she then makes out she had to go through me and jump through hoops to see him which is rubbish.
She then tries to tell him that if I hadn’t got involved she would have had him back but I wouldn’t let her which is also rubbish as she never tried to have him back.
The worst part is I did everything for that boy and she told him I had no business to and that she had parental rights so she should have been at parents evening and had a say in school things but she didn’t ever mention it at the time because she didn’t ever speak to me and I actually lived his school life, made his lunch, took him, collected him, did his homework and reading and she just says I should have had a say.
She is toxic and has poisoned him against me by saying I am the reason she wasn’t in his life because I took over when she actually gave him up, she now says she didn’t give him up but I took him to be with his dad and his dad was too scared to argue when actually his dad wanted nothing to do with her and she didn’t want to speak to me.
He doesn’t talk to me now because she has other children and apparently that proves she is a good mum and it was all my fault.

Oh dear. That's horrible when you did all the work of raising him. She can't face the truth of accepting that she wasn't a good mother to him, so she is blaming you because it hurts to blame herself. He's still only young, hopefully in time he will realize the truth of the situation.

You didn't do it for thanks or appreciation though, did you? You did it because there was a child who needed looking after and his biological parents wouldn't or couldn't do an adequate job. What choice did you really have? Pass him along to the grandparents? Leave him to his dad, and cross your fingers he got picked up by social services before anything terrible happened?

So it doesn't matter what he or his birth mother have to say about it now. Given the choice between believing that his mother abandoned him as a toddler or that she was kept away by the wicked stepmother, he was always going to go with the latter for the sake of his own mental health. You did the only thing you could at the time, and yes it was hard and yes it was thankless. But your reward is that you get to live with yourself without having to feel guilty, or having to rewrite history to avoid feeling guilty.

I’d say children want to believe some things so badly that they make them
fit a certain way in their head, sorry op x If it helps I was talking to a group of mums of teens and young adults today, all on the floor exhausted all wondering how it’s all so thankless except for the odd surprising thank you!

He needs to believe this (for now) because the alternative is accepting that his mum was capable of being a good mum, but abandoned him and chose to do it for his siblings. He's at an age where it's natural to question and push back against our parents (ie you and DH who raised him)
I'm really sorry you're going through this, though I genuinely feel if you leave the door open, and try and contact him from time to time to let him know that you're there, that he will see through this in a few years time.

Where is DP in all this?

This is incredibly sad. How are you actually feeling? Have you loved him as a son? In which case it would be an utter blow.
You mentioned potentially writing her an email. You will gain nothing from that as she wants to paint you as the villain. I wonder if your better bet is carefully thinking about and crafting a letter to your stepson, spelling out some of the facts, including that you were 16 yourself, without blaming your partner and his biological mum, spell out how you couldn’t make them do more than they were already doing and how unfair it is to get the blame but you loved him and gladly did what you thought you should do for a very vulnerable little boy

Your DP sounds like a complete charmer.

I've voted YABU, because this has nothing to do with your stepson. He was unfortunate enough to be born to two useless parents, and is understandably struggling emotionally now. You've decided, bafflingly, to spend 23 years with someone who by all accounts is a totally useless dad (left you to raise his child) and parent (has not supported you). You're an adult with agency who chose to be and stay in this relationship - own your choices.

YANBU for being upset & angry.
YABU for expecting this situation to finish up any differently.

You've just given 20 years to servicing someone else's parental responsibility. Your partner should have done more & should still be doing more. Have you got anything of your own (house, savings, pension) to show for the last 20 years? Or have you given absolutely everything to that man?

This isn’t your DSS’s fault though, she’s clearly a very broken person and manipulative as hell. He’s naturally going to side with her right now because he’s young and didn’t see her much growing up (wasn’t privy to her dysfunctions). In his mind, she’s his mum and he naturally wants to defend her.

It’s also complicated by the fact they were both so young when he was born. I think when he gets a bit older he’s going to realise what you actually took on at such a young age. You obviously did not have to do this and he’ll be grateful one day.

I don't think many children appreciate their mothers until they have children of their own and see what a slog it is so you might have a long wait but he will surely come round to understanding more when he is older.

He will wonder why he only saw his DM at his grandparent's - that's pretty odd.

I think when he grows up (particularly when he has his own children) he’s going to realise she’s a good parent to those children because she had them at a time when she felt more stable but was very young when he was born and unable to adequately care for him. This will also make him understand how much you did for him when you really didn’t have to.

I will say though in response to this that it might have been nice to send her some information about school events…

Exactly. Is the stuff she said about him true? Has he worked? Does he back you? Was he a good dad?

He should be fighting this and fighting for his son!

I think you need to do some fact checking with your DP and his parents, assuming they were involved at the time as you were both only 16.

Did the mum ask for her son to be returned to her but they refused? If so, did they allow her to think it was you stopping it?

I just think it strange that she’s insistent she wanted him back, and so there might be more to it.

Write a letter to the young man outlining your side of the story then walk away from all of it with your head held high and put yourself first