To feel my life as a step mum was completely thankless?

[cornicclover]

I met Dh at 16 and he had just had a baby with another 16 year old but even though we had dc at weekends she couldn’t cope and by the time he was 2 she gave him to us “unofficially” but said she didn’t want him back.

We looked after him and brought him up and “mum” saw him at weekends.
in between her violent relationships she saw him at her parents house as she had sporadic housing situations.
When stepson was 13 she married and had two children who she brought up which led step son to think she wasn’t the bad mother we had painted her to be so he moved in with her and her husband and siblings at 17.

She has since painted the picture that I took over and wouldn’t let her be a mum to him, despite juggling work and child care while his dad didn’t actually lift a finger.

I liked after that boy since he was 2 and as the only one working for much of the time due to his dad depression I feel like I did the whole load just for his mum to say I took over when I had no business to and prevented them having a relationship because his dad was too bone idle to sort out any contact.
I went to parents evening as a concerned parent but now she says she couldn’t go to parents evening because I went and didn’t tell her about it.
Step son now 21 now believes I kept him from his mum and now he lives back with his mum he won’t see his dad because he lives with me and feels sorry for his mum because she has convinced him that I didn’t let her be part of his life because I went to parents evening instead of her and she now says she always wanted him back but I wouldn’t let her as I saw him as mine now and she told him his dad was too scared to argue with me.

I feel so unappreciated and now he lives back with her and because we never married she says I’m not even a step mum just his dads latest girlfriend (of 23 years)
and he’s completely cut off contact.

That must hurt a lot. The kids are young adults but maybe one day they will see through their DM and realise/figure out that things weren't quite how she made them out to be.
I seriously wonder about your DH though, not doing anything or standing up for you. I think you should be more upset about that rather than a couple of kids that sound like they've been through a lot. The desire to stay loyal to their natural parents is strong. If your DH had been a better DF, then this whole situation probably wouldn't have happened. His lack of care made it look like you were controlling. You were only trying to do your best by them.
My now ex DH wasn't a great Dad to his kids or to our own, the reason why I left him.

Yanbu to feel sad.
You have a partner problem. I would reach out to mum and tell her you’re so sorry to find out she felt like that you’d have loved her to be more involved but dad never sorted it. It wasn’t your wish though and you’d love to meet up and hear her out.

was mum actually stopped from going to parents evenings? Surely she would also get the emails from school about them, or were they letters?

I do think you have a judgmental attitude to mum- dads who only see their kids at weekends don’t get called ‘dad’ they’re just dad.

What does him unofficially living with you mean? That she kept the benefits?

You DH should be honest with his son and should have told him that you did him a great favour. Why haven't he done that?
But tbh never expect children to thank you whatever age they are.

That is heartbreaking, I’m so sorry. Both of this child’s parents are arseholes imo, and if I were you I would cut my losses and walk away from the lot of them.

Gosh this is spiteful- you took on her son and loved him and for that she should be forever in your debt

I would be telling the son a few home truths and if he doesn’t want to believe you then I’m afraid there’s not much you can do

Sorry this happened to you both

When stepson was 13 she married and had two children who she brought up which led step son to think she wasn’t the bad mother we had painted her to be

That poor young man must've gone through such upheaval and it must've really hurt him that his Mum basically said "have him" to you and his dad but went on to have two more children.
Did he really think she wasn't too bad or did she go overboard overcompensating

Cut your losses and walk.

@70isaLimitNotaTarget

the mother obviously matured when she had her other two kids and started acting like mother of the year