To be scared of grief

[morningtrain]

My DM has terminal cancer, we’re heading towards the end and I’m petrified I’m going to completely lose my mind when it happens. I get so anxious thinking about it. Will I change forever? I don’t want to. What if I can’t cope? Will I have a breakdown? Will my marriage be affected? How do people deal with it? Everyone loses their parents right.. are they all just walking around with sadness inside forever? I’d love some stories of positive outcomes as I’m so scared of what’s ahead. Thank you xx

I lost both my Mum and Gran to bowel cancer. I know this may sound insensitive and I really don’t mean it to, you may find that you’ve already done a lot of the intense period of grief in the run up to them dying. Terminal illness is so horrific and when they actually go it’s almost a relief. It doesn’t mean you don’t grieve but the feelings you have may not be what you expect.

Can’t help as such but I can relate to your panic about grief. Just wanted to send you my best wishes and hope someone is along shortly to give you advice. Remember there is bereavement therapy available and the Samaritans are also there to listen.

I agree with this. When my DH died from a brain tumour he had been terminally ill for over a year. I had been grieving most of that time without realising. After his death I was mentally exhausted but felt relief that it it was over both for him and those of us left behind. I felt guilty because I wasn't grieving.

On the other hand, when my best friend died it was a whirlwind rapid illness and decline. So unexpected.

My grief following that was horrendous. It tipped me into a deep depression which took around 2 years to pull myself out of.

@Nodirectionhomethis is what I’m terrified of. I experienced a glimpse of it when she was first diagnosed but pulled myself together as she was still there.. I feel like her actual death will tip me over the edge.

Of course, it's hard to lose someone you love. It will hurt a lot, there's no way to avoid that But remember that all humans go through it and cope with it, so you will too. And if you really struggle there are sources of help. One thing someone told me when my Dad died was that in time all the lovely memories would come back, and this was true for me

@basooni totally agree with you… grief is unavoidable and never really goes away, but time does stop the pain and you do reach a stage where the image of them unwell fades and the person they were before the illness comes back in your memories. When I lost my father it was around the 3rd anniversary of his death that I realised that had happened. I miss him very much still and it’s been nearly 10 years, but life keeps moving forward and so will you. I’m sorry you are facing this, it is a terrible time. I’m afraid you will feel sad and the loss is devastating, because you love your mum. But there is no reason to think you won’t get through it. And as other posters have said, you are probably already grieving and you will feel some relief at the end as she won’t be suffering anymore. Try to take it one day at a time and tell her you love her. Don’t leave anything left unsaid as it will help you and your mother come to terms with the situation together.

I agree with all the previous posters, my DM died 11 years ago now and relate to the relief - the relief that she was no longer suffering.

I’ve spent the past 11 years missing her dearly, and it hits harder at certain times and often unexpectedly. But she would have wanted me to carry on living and enjoying my life, and that does keep me going.

- for you

I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this now. Maybe it would be as well to put your own feelings to one side and just be present for your DM. Just take one day at a time. Grief is a part of life and you will get through it.

I know what you mean. I lost my dad (like everyone eventually I guess) and i remeber thinking that it IS the natural order of things after all. We are supposed to lose our parents etc

but then i just kept asking ppl how can something so natural and "right" be so awful?

I'm so scared of losing my mum for the same reasons you describe.

💐💐💐

You do lose your mind for a bit. Then you learn to get on with life but it is there. Something random made me cry about it the other day, 8 years later.

It’s horrible but you will be ok. Make sure you are supported

Sending strength

If someone has had a long life you can’t accept the way they have died if it was an unpleasant death but you can accept their death as the natural order of life . I believe once your parents reach the late seventies or early eighties you subconsciously begin to accept that their time on earth is drawing to a close. The only unacceptable death is the unthinkable death of a young baby/ child or an adult with many more years in front of them .

I was about to come on and say the exact same.

Don’t panic. You’ll be fine. That sounds flippant but it’s true. I couldn’t imagine life without my mum. We spoke every day for decades. We whatsapped throughout the day. Every single day. I simply could not fathom how I could come to terms with her dying. And d lie in bed thinking ‘this is genuinely nuts’

and sometimes I still feel that, 7 years later.

but it needs to happen for you to realise you’ll be ok. Yes we have the sadness in us and yes it’ll be there forever. But life also continues and grows and that sadness becomes something you can cope with

trust me on this!

Anticipation of grief is a real thing.. your brain is trying to protect you by preparing and the brain likes certainty so it’s playing games. It will hurt yes but it won’t always be so raw. And you’ll learn to live with it. My mum is elderly and I’m scared too but having lost my dad I do know that you do move forward and the rawness fades.

perhaps speak to someone about these feelings. They are more common than you realise.. x

Anticipatory grief x

Sorry you are going through this OP, and I hope your DM is comfortable. Look up anticipatory grief, I think its a relative new concept (or it was to me) but there are quite a few resources about it, and hopefully you will something that is useful for you

When my mother was dying the pain was unbelievable. There was no escape from it. I just wanted it to end. Her death therefore came as a relief. I was only 20. The first year after her death I felt ok. And then the real grief started. Because I didn’t process her death (we never spoke about my mother after she died, because we are a dysfunctional family) it didn’t get better for a long time. But the positive is that no subsequent death affected me (my father, grandparents). It’s like my defence system kicked in to protect me from that level of pain.
You will survive it, and the pain will pass. Time heals everything.

Ive grown up with grief as my Dad died when I was a baby.
Don't be scared...it's just another emotion and one to allow yourself to feel.

I was a year older than you when I lost my mum, and so I realise how that 1 year makes me so much more fortunate. Much love from me to you.

I also agree with a lot of what you've said including the relief when she went and the grieving for others after.

OP, I'm sorry you are going through this. Whilst we live we have to grieve. Losing my mum at 21 did change me, yes. I became very angry and self-destructive for a period of time choosing very unhealthy ways to deal with my grief. I didn't have anyone that depended on me. I couldn't imagine living a full life without my mum.

I'm not saying this is a healthy way to deal with grief, but I started to think that are so many people who have lost a lot more than me, a parent losing a child for example. I didn't have kids then, and never have, so I can't feel that kind of pain, but it must be devastating.

I am now mid 40s and I've just lost my grandmother. She was almost 100 and I loved her dearly. I miss her so much, but I didn't grieve for her in the way I grieved for my mum. I've also lost my dad, both grandads and both my PILs and some wonderful friends since losing my mum.

For many years I grieved for my mum when I attended other people's funerals, including both my dad's funeral and both my grandads. It changed when my MIL died.

We all grieve and it bloody hurts, and it does change you. It's a cliché that nobody wants to hear after a death of someone they love but it does get easier with time. I still cry over my mum and everyone else that I've lost and love still to this day, but I can get on with my life.

All the best to you.

To answer your questions, yes grief will change you and you will not be the person you were before, however slowly since the diagnosis you have been changing and adapting.

You don’t get over it but you definitely learn to sit beside it, that sounds horrendously woo and I am definitely not woo, but when the time is right you will slowly move forward with life.

I haven’t lost my parents but lost my wife after a short aggressive diagnosis that was not on my radar, I am a different person to who I was before, grief changes you. I was never a shy retiring wall flower but I have certainly pruned the people in my life, as is too short to engage with people I don’t care about.

"Put your own feelings to one side" is easier said than done though.

And the person I know who was totally "let's focus on the practicalities" while their mum was dying was just really ill all the time that year - they were definitely burying their feelings and they were coming out in physical ways.

It's possible to be present for the dying loved one and experience strong feelings of grief at the same time.

Honestly you'll be fine. What is it you're actually afraid of?

It will change you as a person, that's undoubtedly true. It may change you in many ways, some positive, some negative, some netural.

Your relationship with your mum will change, it will keep growing and evolving for as long as you're here. Your relationship with her doesn't come to an end just because she's died. Mine died 16yr ago and the relationship I have with my mum now is very different to the relationship we had at the time of her death.

What if you can't cope... you will, because you'll have no choice.

Remember that everyone in this world has lost someone they love or will do, including children, young adults, older adults. It's one of the great unifiers and a natural part of living. You cope because you have to. You'll find your own way of keeping her memory alive and remaining connected with her in time.

Grief is painful but can also be beautiful in a way, knowing that you are forever connected by your love. It can teach you a lot. I learned so much from losing my mum that I took forward into life in a really positive way.

If after a year or so you feel someone to talk to would be helpful you can reach out for bereavement counselling, it helps a lot of people. But until then you need space and time to allow your mind and heart to do what it's designed to do in slowly processing and coming to terms with the loss.

My only practical advise is take lots of photos while she's here, even if they're sad if she doesn't look her usual self. I was only young when I lost mine, early twenties, and we took one last family photo with her in her coffin. I wish I'd taken photos in the hospital but I just didn't think to. Without that photo sometimes it would feel to me like, did it ever really happen? Did my mum actually exist? As it's been so long. But I wish I had more photos.

You're going to be absolutely fine <3

I'm not saying this is a healthy way to deal with grief, but I started to think that are so many people who have lost a lot more than me, a parent losing a child for example. I didn't have kids then, and never have, so I can't feel that kind of pain, but it must be devastating.

This helped me a lot too, recognising how lucky I was to have had mine for the 22yr I did. How lucky I was to have a mum that was worth missing, who I loved so much, who loved me so much. How lucky to not have a mum that was awful or cruel or distant. How lucky I was to get to adulthood before she went. How lucky I was to experience loss in the 'natural order of things', losing a parent, instead of losing a child. There's a lot of beauty and gratitude to be found in loss.

Your feelings now are completely normal, anticipatory grief.
I had this too and I think it probably helped me when the time came, as I had felt so many of the feelings already, if that makes sense?
There was also an element of relief that my mums suffering was over, and some respite at no longer having the constant ups and downs of late stage illness (you know, when them eating half a slice of toast has you euphoric, and a painful day has you in despair?) and the release from the exhaustion of practical tasks, care, hospital trips and ever present worry.
When the time came, my initial thoughts were thank goodness that's over, and a kind of suspended reality as everyone fusses and is kind and normal life doesn't happen.
After that, I think is probably the hardest. Because life goes on, but without them in it. You really start to understand that you need to shape your life around this big gap.
I think that's the danger time for depression and you need to really look out for yourself. Eat well, excercise, take as many opportunities as you can to find pleasure and relax. Think about counselling.
Long term? The cliché of time healing is true. But like any wound healing, afterwards it's not quite the same, because you have a scar. And sometimes it twinges, but mostly in time, you live with it without noticing it.
The gap get bridged by other people in your life. Some you haven't even met yet, some who are growing, like your children. These people fill your life and make you happy and blunt the loss. You may no longer be a daughter, but you can be a friend, sister, spouse, mother, grandmother and these relationships will bring you love and joy and shine out the darkness.

I was exactly like this about my parent. But you will be ok. When I was in this panic spiralling, I remember my husband turning to me (he lost his own father to cancer when his father was in his 60s), and saying gently, “You won’t believe me right now because you are in such pain and panic, but this part is actually worse in many ways than after they’ve gone. After they’ve gone, they find back to you, in wonderful memories of all the great times. You will feel more peace. This bit just before is by far the most frightening.”

And he was right.