Page 2 | To be scared of grief

DilettanteRedRagger · 12/05/2026 12:23

morningtrain · 11/05/2026 21:46

My DM has terminal cancer, we’re heading towards the end and I’m petrified I’m going to completely lose my mind when it happens. I get so anxious thinking about it. Will I change forever? I don’t want to. What if I can’t cope? Will I have a breakdown? Will my marriage be affected? How do people deal with it? Everyone loses their parents right.. are they all just walking around with sadness inside forever? I’d love some stories of positive outcomes as I’m so scared of what’s ahead. Thank you xx

Yes, grief changes who you are AND if your husband shows himself to be a dick during that period, it MAY affect your marriage.

Grief is a very real and unavoidable part of life. If you have a DH, they should have been selected on how they would be kind/helpful/supportive during this phase of life, because it’s a phase absolutely every human has to go through, unless something unnatural has happened to cause a parent to lose a child. That’s like… grief level 1 (losing a child), losing a spouse (of a long-term 20+ year, happy, healthy marriage) is grief level 2, and losing a parent is grief level 3. The level of any other loss is arguable (more for some people, less for others). But yes, every child has to bury their parents.

My grief at losing my parents only played a part in ending my marriage because my exDH already wasn’t prepared to be a supportive partner.

Topseyt123 · 12/05/2026 12:24

Sparrowsandbudgies · 11/05/2026 21:50

I lost both my Mum and Gran to bowel cancer. I know this may sound insensitive and I really don’t mean it to, you may find that you’ve already done a lot of the intense period of grief in the run up to them dying. Terminal illness is so horrific and when they actually go it’s almost a relief. It doesn’t mean you don’t grieve but the feelings you have may not be what you expect.

I can very much relate to this, having lost my lovely DH to Motor Neurone Disease just a few weeks ago.

We had his diagnosis last summer, and his Dad had also had the disease many years previously so we had been given rather a cruel glimpse of what would be to come for us.

We spent months worrying about it although did manage to fit in some fun holidays too.

The end was quick and brutal though. It came quickly and was very distressing but my overriding emotion has been relief. Relief that DH did not have to go through the very protracted period of suffering that we had both witnessed for other MND sufferers. He had been so frightened that that would happen, and that all dignity would be lost. There is great sadness/loneliness too of course and always will be, but for me it is tempered by relief.

We all grieve very differently. I too got a lot of my most difficult feelings dealt with while DH was still alive. I somehow wasn't expecting that, but it happened and here I am now.

LetMeGoogleThat · 12/05/2026 12:24

I watched my mum slowly leave us, in pain, in hospital and alone curled up in a bed. By the end, yes it was hard, but the one sense of relief was that she was no longer suffering.

Dahliasgalore · 12/05/2026 12:32

I lost my mum in an unexpected and tragic way - it was a painful grief, definitely, and 20 years later there is sadness still sometimes- especially on anniversaries BUT it faded and is also mixed with beautiful memories too. I felt very ‘floaty’ for many months. Someone once told me that grief is a form of love, and I feel that strongly for my mum. I actually wouldn’t want to completely get over it or move on - sometimes I want to wallow a little in some bittersweet memories.

SpanThatWorld · 12/05/2026 12:57

Sparrowsandbudgies · 11/05/2026 21:50

I lost both my Mum and Gran to bowel cancer. I know this may sound insensitive and I really don’t mean it to, you may find that you’ve already done a lot of the intense period of grief in the run up to them dying. Terminal illness is so horrific and when they actually go it’s almost a relief. It doesn’t mean you don’t grieve but the feelings you have may not be what you expect.

This is so true. Both of my parents died from cancer and we had been grieving so much that the end was a merciful release.

My dad died at home surrounded by family. The undertakers came to get him and we all sat around singing some of his favourite songs. We opened a couple of bottles of wine and ordered a take away. He loved eating, drinking and music and we sang his spirit home.

I fell apart a month or so later and spent a weekend with my stepmum, grieving again. And then life went on.

But the grief is not front and central forever. I asked my friend how her wife was a month or so after her mum died and she described her as a radio where the tuning was slightly off. I think that's how I felt for months. Life was just slightly out of focus. And now it's normal again. Unless I think about him.

hby9628 · 12/05/2026 13:05

When my Dad died the physical pain of heartbreak was awful & I do remember thinking I would never feel the same again. But I do. It took time but time does heal. Sorry you are going through this. Sending love to you & your Mum.

Notarealblonde · 12/05/2026 13:39

I have to agree with alot of the other comments. I lost my older sister aged 36 in march this year and it was only a huge relief that the suffering had ended. Shes left behind two young children and we were especially worried about them but they are thriving and doing well. I think the first few weeks were the hardest but we are all learning to live without her now. I miss her loads but it isnt as bad as i was expecting it to be. Life goes on. And you all get through as a family. Just keep busy, maybe find a new hobby or exercise. It does get easier. Remember all the memories you made together.
its also quite nice to have happy, sentimental thoughts that they are in a good place waiting for you all to be reunited with them one day and that they are watching over you. I do that.

Rosieposy89 · 12/05/2026 18:14

I lost dear sister to cervical cancer 2 years ago, she was only 32. In many ways the anticipatory grief was harder. I couldn't get my head around the fact she was going to die and the waiting was agony, coupled with wanting to make the most of her being here etc. It really was exhausting. When she died, I felt numb for a good while, still didn't feel real. I wonder if this was my brain protecting me.
The second year without her has felt harder. I miss her and just feel sad. I have always managed to 'carry on as normal' though, it just feels weird.
. I do feel completely changed by grief. I don't take anything for granted. I do try and make the most of every day. I was actually more sociable after my sister died, being around people I cared about helped and I want to make happy memories. I embrace the grief now, it's the last thing I have connecting me to my sister. Also, I sort of feel my feelings of sadness or grief are probably nothing compared to how my sister felt realising she was going to die at such a young age, it puts it into perspective.
It's completely normal to feel scared of grief and I'm sorry you are walking this path too.

Bryonyberries · 12/05/2026 19:08

Make the most of the time you have now - lots of chats and hugs so you don’t feel you missed time - I don’t mean you have to visit constantly, just make the visits as high quality as you can depending on how well she is to talk.

Nothing can prepare you, even anticipating grief. It is one of the most intense experiences I ever had when I lost my mum. The first couple years were the hardest and time is easing the intensity. It brought the family closer in some ways and we were able to support each other well. I found other people thought I should be over it within a couple months but it actually got harder for a while not easier. Just remember there is no right or wrong way to deal with it and be kind to yourself.

Sending you and your family hugs x