AIBU to be upset that my childminder is discussing my son?

[ThinkingABoutThinking221]

AIBU.... to be pissed off and feeling like my Childminder is gossiping about my DC?

So youngest DS (7) can be a real handful at times..... it's not major stuff though but I am mindful and I'm keeping an eye on it etc...... anyway a couple of weeks back School rang to inform me of an incident in School dealt with and move on... Teacher mentioned on the call that he isn't naughty but she does have to remind him to sit down or to be quiet etc but in her words all very low level.... I don't do drop off or pick up and calls home are not frequent so when they do I always check in in general etc.... anyway, I know he has an ongoing love/hate friendship with a boy in his class who he has and probably still is best friends with.... this boy is just as bad if not worse than my DS except he is also very sly with it he is also small and acts the quiet one so can hide in plain sight.... my DS unfortunately is tall, he is also loud and bloody well opinionated at times 🙄however, said childs mum thinks the sun shines out of his arse quite frankly.... last week whilst with his afterschool childcare there has been an altercation on the park involving my DS, this boy, this boys other friend and 2 other youngsters on the park..... my DS has snapped and tripped him up and also swore which he has been punished for.... it was a small issue and dealt with. Anyway mum of other child has now decided she doesn't want her angel near my demon child, no issue with this tbh as I have seen much for myself and I'd be happy to keep them apart. Friday when with the same childminder he has apologised straight away as he also has to the child and the child's mum which I think is very brave for 7..... they have ignored him which is fine and my DS has played with other children really well without any issue.... however, said child wouldn't leave him alone and was continuously coming to my DS trying to get a reaction.... I am working on his reactions as he will take so much then snap but this child knows this and imo is doing it deliberately....his mother said nothing until my CM actually pulled her and said get that sorted it's not on.

I gave dropped my DS this morning at breakfast club and the care provider has said "are you ok? is XX ok, he isn't coping well at the minute is he?" I have asked what she means and find that she has been told about the park last week and the one incident in school....... I don't think this is a not coping issue just that there have been 2 issues but totally seperate.... turns out her brother has told her and she has sat discussing my child with him at weekend...... she also then said she was talking to his teacher last week about him and said how she was saying him and other child remind her of her son and his friend.... childminder & teacher are friends which I am aware of......... and I also know friends talk.... but I'm really pissed off that she has had the front to actually tell me and to act like she is caring but has discussed behind my back....... AIBU?

Got a bit lost towards the end but it doesn't seem that bad.

I'm confused - was it the breakfast club provider or the childminder who were talking about your son? And who's brother was she talking to?

What’s “uncaring” about the CM making the teacher aware of a potential conflict between your son and the other lad? Sounds like she’s been sticking up for him to the boy’s Mum, if I’ve understood your post correctly. Apologies if I’ve misunderstood but to me it reads like she’s looking out for him

I'd just be grateful that your son has that many people who care and are watching out for him. The phrase it takes a village is so true. If more of us supported each other and shared what's going in it would save a lot of awkward drama. I honestly can't see an issue, it's not like they've been saying nasty things just keeping relevant people informed. If your son does better away from this other child and the other child is trying to get a reaction I would definitely want as many people to know as possible.
The whole situation is just not nice and I think that's why you're actually pd off. My son has had to put up with stuff like this for the last few years, unfortunately he can also give as good as he gets! I found out what was happening because another parent contacted me, I was then able to raise the issues with the school and it now isn't just my son getting the blame.

So while I think you have a right to be pd off I think it's aimed at the wrong people.

I can't make head nor tail of who has done what and to whom here 🤷🏻‍♀️

So the childminder is making the teacher aware of issues that could be causing distress to your child. Sounds like your childminder and the teacher both have your children's best interest at heart.

It’s great that so many people are looking out for your son @ThinkingABoutThinking221, but the main thing that stood out to me was your comment about the teacher & childminder discussing your son because their friends - have I read that right? If I have, & they’re discussing him & the other boy away from the proper setting - school - then surely that’s unprofessional on both sides?? Because to me that sounds like gossiping.

It would have been helpful for you to give everyone involved a fake name, as there are so many "he said" "she said" that idk who is who at this point.

Regardless, this all sounds normal and trivial tbh. Who cares if the CM spoke about him? It sounds like she was discussing her concerns and how to support him, not just bitching about him. If she was trash talking him then I would be annoyed, but she isn't, and you can't exactly ask her not to discuss your son who she cares for if she has concerns. She also told you she had been discussing him (as far as I can make out), so she isn't being secretive about it.

It sounds like what happened was a bit of an 'event' and people are talking about it, if it happens to be brought up with your childminder around, and let's face it that's probably what has happpened, then it would be weird for her to just sit and say nothing about it? If she said anything out of order or unkind then fair enough, but if she was making comments in your son's favour then I'd actually be thanking her for being on your side. The mother and little boy you're having problems with sound awful but I'd guess you get these types in every classroom across the country. Just pray for karma and in my experience karma does usually catch up with them in one way or another. Not many people ever stand up to these types. And your son sounds amazing for apologising to them, I would just be very proud of him. None of this is your childminder's fault.

This is my point.... so DS goes to CM every morning before School and once a week after School..... he then goes to another CM and grandparents after School the rest of the week...... the morning CM is friends with Teacher and wasn't involved in the incident at the park but has been told a limited view of it from her brother who was at the park with his DD who is also in my DS and other child's class......
I too think its great if they are looking out for him but got a feeling they have been gossiping rather than caring.

This makes more sense. If she was not directly involved in the incident then should not have been discussing it, I feel in that instance it does border gossiping behaviour.

I got a little lost - I'm sorry. The bit I got lost at was whose brother it was that the Breakfast Club worker had spoken to: whilst that's not the main issue here; it does change the way the post reads depending on who the brother belongs to.

It does sound like people have been talking about your son and I can see why you'd be upset. The CM should only be talking to others in a professional capacity.

It sounds like 3 professionals (and someone's brother) have been talking about your son. I would say that it's possibly not needed that they did talk, especially if you think it's outside of their work time or reason but what I'd be wanting to know is where the brother found the information out. That's definitely not a chat in a professional capacity.

So - yes, I can see why you're upset. If you think this is friends just gossiping - however, did the brother find out another way?

If it's the brother gossiping to the breakfast worked then I'd be annoyed with the breakfast worker. It sounds like she feels it's a casual topic. Especially when the CM has stuck up for your son.

They shouldn’t be gossiping, but I agree it’s good he’s got people looking out for him.

Someone does need to keep an eye out for this kid being on the windup though.

So basically what i'm taking from this, is the brother of the morning CM, who was at the park at the time of this incident, told his sister (the morning CM) what he saw and what happened amongst this group of lads, presumably because he knew his sister looks after this lad and felt it was the right thing to tell her and make her aware that something happened in case said lad may have said something while with her. If that was the case i fail to see the issue

Sounds like you weren't there for any of it so you've only got a biased side of the story.

A 7 year old is not “sly”

Your post is all over the place with lots of superfluous info. You are sounding a bit upset and slightly paranoid. Your son is struggling, it’s clear from all you’ve said. Focus on your son maybe all the different care providers aren’t working for him and he needs you?

Whenever there are 2 children at odds, the OP's one is never the sneaky cunning sly one. Has anyone noticed?

To be honest it does sound like your son is a bit unsettled at the moment. He has a large amount of different caregivers and I think it’s fair for all the adults involved in looking after him to discuss things. I’m confused reading your post so goodness knows how the poor lad feels.

I do agree that I wouldn’t like my child being gossiped about, but it sounds like it’s being done with your son’s best interests at heart.

Tripping another child is NOT minor. A boy at school really hurt my DD doing this. It sounds like to me that you are minimising your son’s behaviour, that he is no angel, and that you’re looking for someone else to blame.

I think they are gossiping about your child, but that’s what people do. But I think you are focusing on the wrong thing, I also think you are downplaying your child’s behaviour, and if you let it continue in the same vein more people will gossip about him.

Wrong thread. Apologies.

Like others, I am struggling to follow what you are saying. However, from what I have understood, the CM wouldn't have said what they said to you if they were talking about your DS behind your back. I'd be reassured that adults around my child were looking out for him.

Wait, so the evening child minder has spoken to nobody. The brother can say what he likes if he's a casual observer.

From what I can see, the morning childminder, who you seem to be annoyed at, hasn't done anything wrong. Her brother witnessed an incident involving your child and told her about it. That's all, isn't it? That's not her gossiping, being unprofessional, or at fault in any way.