AIBU to be upset that my childminder is discussing my son?

[ThinkingABoutThinking221]

AIBU.... to be pissed off and feeling like my Childminder is gossiping about my DC?

So youngest DS (7) can be a real handful at times..... it's not major stuff though but I am mindful and I'm keeping an eye on it etc...... anyway a couple of weeks back School rang to inform me of an incident in School dealt with and move on... Teacher mentioned on the call that he isn't naughty but she does have to remind him to sit down or to be quiet etc but in her words all very low level.... I don't do drop off or pick up and calls home are not frequent so when they do I always check in in general etc.... anyway, I know he has an ongoing love/hate friendship with a boy in his class who he has and probably still is best friends with.... this boy is just as bad if not worse than my DS except he is also very sly with it he is also small and acts the quiet one so can hide in plain sight.... my DS unfortunately is tall, he is also loud and bloody well opinionated at times 🙄however, said childs mum thinks the sun shines out of his arse quite frankly.... last week whilst with his afterschool childcare there has been an altercation on the park involving my DS, this boy, this boys other friend and 2 other youngsters on the park..... my DS has snapped and tripped him up and also swore which he has been punished for.... it was a small issue and dealt with. Anyway mum of other child has now decided she doesn't want her angel near my demon child, no issue with this tbh as I have seen much for myself and I'd be happy to keep them apart. Friday when with the same childminder he has apologised straight away as he also has to the child and the child's mum which I think is very brave for 7..... they have ignored him which is fine and my DS has played with other children really well without any issue.... however, said child wouldn't leave him alone and was continuously coming to my DS trying to get a reaction.... I am working on his reactions as he will take so much then snap but this child knows this and imo is doing it deliberately....his mother said nothing until my CM actually pulled her and said get that sorted it's not on.

I gave dropped my DS this morning at breakfast club and the care provider has said "are you ok? is XX ok, he isn't coping well at the minute is he?" I have asked what she means and find that she has been told about the park last week and the one incident in school....... I don't think this is a not coping issue just that there have been 2 issues but totally seperate.... turns out her brother has told her and she has sat discussing my child with him at weekend...... she also then said she was talking to his teacher last week about him and said how she was saying him and other child remind her of her son and his friend.... childminder & teacher are friends which I am aware of......... and I also know friends talk.... but I'm really pissed off that she has had the front to actually tell me and to act like she is caring but has discussed behind my back....... AIBU?

So a childminder who looks after your DS was told by her brother about an incident her brother witnessed that involved your DS. Which doesn't seem unprofessional of her. She then passed this information on to your DS's teacher, whom she knows socially. I can see why that might feel like it borders on gossiping, and so is best avoided. But it seem like they spoke about a matter that is useful information for the teacher and for the morning childminder and that they spoke about it because they both had a professional interest in your DS's welfare. They may not have done so if they hadn't been friends, as wouldn't have such a good relationship that facilitated informal communication, but that doesn't mean they were gossiping.

My bigger concern would be the game of telephone that's going especially with the breakfast club leader also being informed. Ideally the childminder would have checked in with you to confirm what happened before discussing it. But it does sound like they're all just trying to stay on top of emerging issues to best avoid incidents and provide support?

Are there indicators this might have been spread outside professional networks or that the information conveyed was more judgmental than supportive? Because if not, I would park it for now, assume they meant well and try to focus on supporting your DS. But keep it in the back of your mind for the future incase other things later suggest they are just gossiping.

However, if you're really uncomfortable about it regardless, I don't think you'd be out of order at all to speak to the morning childminder and say, ideally in a friendly way, that you'd like it if she checked in with you rather than just passing issues on to her friend.

So based on everything you’ve written, you and your son and your lack of accountability and boundary setting definitely appear to be a big part of this problem. He’s going to be a nightmare as he gets older if you don’t nip this attitude in the bud now.

I don’t think it’s at all shocking that childcare providers and schools are liaising about a child whose behaviour and home life they have concerns about. I doubt very much this is coming from children or any gossiping as you suggest. It sounds like they are doing their best.

All I can see is a lot of down playing of your son's bad behaviour. That's what I would focus on personally.

Honestly, it's not that big of a deal.

You're very sneery about the other child and his mother.

Take a breath. It's not that deep. My guess is you're paranoid about your son's behaviour and turning molehills into mountains. I'd be shocked if the height difference between your son and the other kid is playing that big of a part in this whole thing. Or their levels of shyness.

I mean, it's possible that the other kid is an evil villain who is using his size and appearance of goodness to terrorise your child but it's not that probable.

People talk. It doesn't sound like anyone approached this with unkindness.

I think for two instances in a short period of time you should me more interested in dealing with your son rather than hear say since you are the parent. Why is he acting up and not behaving for the Childminder? Why is not able to deal with these situations? Coping mechanisms are taught at home and if you keep making excuses for it then nothing will improve.

The brother who witnessed it himself and I'm guessing isn't a childcare/educational professional can talk about whatever he likes to whoever he likes. May not be nice if it is gossip but that is life, people will talk.
Childcare providers and teachers should only share relevant info with relevant people, I'd say them talking to each other about what is going in in the life of a child they all care for is relevant. I don't know how you can come to the conclusion that is uncaring.

Sounds like they care about your son, I couldn’t imagine being upset about this. People talk, this isn’t a big deal.

She's allowed to 'sit discussing all weekend' whatever subject she wishes. If you can be sure that's what she was doing.

She's your kids carer and it simply sounds like she was showing concern/an interest. She can't help it if her brother decides to start telling her things about your child. How does he know your child anyway? But ultimately I wouldn't take it that she'd done much wrong.

A bit confusing but my take is that your CM and other parties are looking out for your son and recognise the other boy is a bit devious. It sounds like concern rather than gossip to me.

Of course i wasn't there! 🙄 i said in my comment this is what i interpreted from the hard to follow mish mash of the OP's comment.

Thanks for your comments..... appreciate them all. Apologies it was a hard post to follow I can of course understand why that was the case.
Some comments are very much off the mark but I get it given how difficult to read my post was and of course non of you know neither, me, my child nor other involved or the situation.... it will always read as bias when this is the case.

Taken on board the comments many thanks.

@BBQetiquette was clearly addressing the OP.

But for the record the ones hinting at my parenting you couldn't be further from the truth. I am a good mum and my DC are happy and settled kids...... the only time my youngest has issues is with this other child. Naturally we have issues here and there and siblings arguing/fighting but not as it is when he is around this child and because my son reacts the blame is put on him and the full/bigger picture isn't taken into account.

To the PP who mentioned tripping someone up not being minor..... they were playing football on grass...... it wasn't a big deal and when kids are playing these things happen. However, his behaviour as a whole that day was dealt with & he was punished inc....... no treats all week, no screens, he was banned from playing for his football team also and he wasn't allowed to play out for the rest of the week. He was also sat down and spoken to at length about appropriate behaviour and kind hands and feet etc......!

YABU Of course the childminder has a right to discuss your child with the teacher. When you are not there the childminder is doing your parenting for you. I don’t call that gossiping. I think whoever approached you at breakfast club is the gossip and maybe you should make your childminder aware that conversations she has had in good faith have filtered down to this person. Unfortunately in school they will talk about the ‘behaviour’ but not about what triggered it. Ask his class teacher to separate them and maybe keep an eye out at playtime to see what’s happening.

I agree with ThatLemonBear. She seems to have your child best interest at heart. And if she's drawing inferences to her brother and his friends behavior long ago that indicates she knows what's going on with boy behavior.

So all the people caring for your child (childminder, teacher, breakfast club etc) are communicating about struggles or behaviour patterns that might persist across their different settings. That's excellent, and the best possible way for them all to suport your child.

People within communities have conversations and you can't police them! When you outsource the childcare, then people will talk about any issues to the one they see on the school run and that is the CM , not the parent. It's natural that CM's brother would have said that he saw the child his sister looks after and that X and Y happened. It's just everyday chat.

Most important is that your child is safe and cared for properly and that she's not letting other people take the piss when he's out and about with her - she called the other mum on her behaviour and that's to her credit.

I think you're understandably a bit twitchy because your kid is getting in some trouble, it's not always his fault and you're reliant on an outsider to have his back, whereas the other mum is always present to put the best spin on her child's behaviour.

Tslk yo your kid - if he's happy then it's all good and I wouldn't worry about passing conversations.

Seems pretty normal for a childminder/breakfast club provider (I think they're the same person) to discuss a child they care for with the child's teacher. Doesn't sound like gossiping.

The only person who can really be accused of gossiping is the other dad at the park.

In some countries, they have mandated reporters-aren't they supposed to share anything that they think could be related to safeguarding? Depending on whether one of the kids has said something (obviously we don't know if they had), might this apply?

This post nails it.

These are all childcare professionals responsible for caring for your child. It's not unreasonable for them to share information so they can keep an eye on interactions with the other student and so they have context if there are any changes in behaviour etc..

If her brother saw it in person it's also relevant for him to relay that information to her? They probably would have spoken to you directly but knew you were already aware of the situation.

This all seems completely normal and within the boundaries of their roles? It's not harmful 'gossip'.