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AIBU?

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Original poster

To try and get my Dad back to the UK so he can die here

258 replies

Ataloss23 · 10/05/2026 20:14

I am looking for a bit of support with this, as I don't really know where to start!

My Dad lives in the USA, born in Scotland but moved over in 2019 when he married his wife who he met whilst traveling over there.

18 months ago he was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. He tolerated treatment well, and we have been lucky to get more time with him.

He decided he wanted to move back to Scotland, so he could live out his days here. He sought advice from lawyers and they began the immigration process for his wife, which has been long winded. She has paid all of her fees, including NHS fees and had her embassy interview 9 weeks ago. We have been told it takes up to 12 weeks to get a response.

His treatment over the past few months hasn't gone as well as it has been, and he has taken a real decline this week. I've ended up flying over to America to be with him as we don't know how much time he has left. We are discussing hospice options, and he has said that he would much rather find a way to get back to Scotland, because he still wants to die back home. So I am trying to do everything I can to get him home, but would really appreciate some guidance.

His Dr here has said that he may be able to discharge him for flying, if he feels he would be able to manage the whole flight and we can manage his pain. My concern is how quickly could we access services in the UK? We live quite rurally, so not the same issues for getting access to GP as people in larger populated areas experience. I'm more concerned about how we would access District Nurses, pain relief, stuff like that rather than home support/hospice/care home, as we will be providing his care at home and should manage it all between us.

And regarding the Immigration process - his wife is unable to travel to the UK while immigration clearance is ongoing. Is there a way to expedite this to get him home this week does anyone think? As much as he wants to be here to die, he doesn't want to be here without her. I have plans to phone Immigration in the morning from over here to see what we can do, as I feel this is the biggest challenge we are going to face.

I know this isn't a very common situation, but does anyone have anything similar that they could share with me, or have any professional insight regarding accessing District Nurses or Immigration?

I'm also trying to suss out what services we will need to get him home - private ambulance from the hospital to my house, a hospital bed (can I even get one of these in the house if I don't have access to OTs? Pain management in the community etc. Is there anything else I haven' considered that I need to look into?

I know we are probably chasing something that isn't possible, but I want to make sure I'm doing everything I can to meet his wishes.

Any thoughts or advice would be great please!

OP posts:
Pickledonion1999 · 10/05/2026 20:18

Surely someone this ill would need a person flying with them ( Nurse etc) to administer medications. it would be a huge risk especially if there would be a longish journeyo to get to wherver he's going once back in the Uk.

Thistooshallpsss · 10/05/2026 20:20

I think this is something that your mp might be able do help with. With regards to the medical issues I would try to talk to someone at your local surgery find out about services also possibly contact macmillan and Marie curie nurses. Just some ideas I’m sorry you are in such a difficult position

PoppinjayPolly · 10/05/2026 20:20

have you spoken to your gp surgery? Would he be able to register and be entitled to nhs care? What’s the plan for his wife? Is she returning to USA to live?

nellly · 10/05/2026 20:23

I don’t mean to be harsh but why is his wife emigrating here? To a country she’s never lived in when he’s about to die. She should sack off the immigration stuff and come visit, stay till he’s gone and ideally for the funeral etc then head home where her support network is. Then they can get ona. Flight tomorrow

TeaPot496 · 10/05/2026 20:25

His wife can just get her ETA and come over as a 'tourist' for 6 months, can't she? And figure the rest out later.

He should be able to get Complex Care as a permanent return and as a Britain citizen.

I'd literally just get them on a plane with me, mate. Best of luck.

Mwnci123 · 10/05/2026 20:26

You could rent a suitable bed from a disability equipment company. DNs could then order a replacement once that service sorted. I know this is only one tiny part of it all, sorry. Good luck
OP.

MrsPositivity1 · 10/05/2026 20:27

I’m sorry but maybe your dad might spend his last while calmly and in hospital in US where he can get adequate pain relief etc….

he could die on the journey home and that would be awful

Nogimachi · 10/05/2026 20:29

I am so sorry for your impending loss, OP.

This seems like quite a difficult situation, so I wonder if there’s an alternative approach? How long could his wife stay on a tourist visa? Could she come on that and leave and return if he does better than you are thinking? I don’t think immigration is straightforward, and once he has sadly passed away, she may not need that status anyway?

I would contact MacMillan and Marie-Curie in your area, plus any local hospices to see if or when they have space and ask about fees.

I hope you are able to realise this for him xx

TeaPot496 · 10/05/2026 20:29

This is the Scotland equivalent of England's Continuing Healthcare, where a hospital grade bed is provided at home, with GP and nursing services for end of life:

www.careinfoscotland.scot/topics/how-to-get-social-care-support/hospital-based-complex-clinical-care/

Original poster
Ataloss23 · 10/05/2026 20:30

If he stays here, he is to be discharged for hospice at home which means his wife would be administering his oral morphine and other medications.

She was immigrating because when they began the process, his prognosis was exceptional. He had already survived a year and tolerated chemo amazingly. Her spousal visa would only allowed her entry to the UK for 90 days, so that is why they started an immigration pathway. Similar to when he applied for immigration to the US, once the process is started, you are not allowed to enter the country to have applied for- so because they are in the process, if she booked a flight to the UK without having approval, she would be sent back to America. She does not have plans to live here without him, but she rightly so wants to be with him in his final hours.

This has all transpired over the weekend, so I have emailed his GP, but MP is a great idea, thank you

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 10/05/2026 20:32

The likelyhood is that he will end up dying in hospital over here if he’s not got long left. I say that because the support for end of life here is currently in crisis. There’s little guarantee that he would get hospice support, he’d likely struggle to get a GP appointment as he won’t be registered with one, so he would be struggling with pain.

JustAnotherWhinger · 10/05/2026 20:33

Your MP and MSP may be able to help

It is worth considering his wife’s immigration status and finding out if she can apply for a 6 month tourist visa instead. It’s potentially a quicker way to get what she needs

Zanatdy · 10/05/2026 20:34

Can she not cancel the spouse visa and go the UK as a visitor for 6 months? Sorry to hear about your dad.

SpiceGirlsNeedAComeBack · 10/05/2026 20:36

Hospice care over here is really difficult to get. We got it for MIL but it was a nightmare getting a place. It’s likely he would die in hospital op sadly. X

Namingbaba · 10/05/2026 20:37

Sorry to hear about your dad. I think the 6 month visa sounds perhaps an easier option.

Goinggonegone · 10/05/2026 20:37

I would be concerned he wouldn't get hospice at home care set up in time.
My mum died on end of life care in hospital last year. She was there for three weeks, and there was very little care. If there's any possibility that this might happen to your dad, he would be far better off staying in the US where hospice care is already set up. Also,Im very sorry 💐

StrandedStarfish · 10/05/2026 20:38

I’m sorry for your troubles.

How about contacting the British Embasy in the USA and the US Embassy in the UK for help.

APatternGrammar · 10/05/2026 20:39

Has she called the embassy? That might also be worth a try.
Would they be able to go to France for a short while so that you can visit there and so that he could take the train to the UK if flying becomes hard.

Fatiguedwithlife · 10/05/2026 20:40

District nurse can go in within hours of receiving a referral

Fluffypuppy1 · 10/05/2026 20:41

Sorry to hear about your dad.

Definitely contact hospices in your area. My dad has a terminal illness and our local hospice arranged for the necessary medication, including pain relief, to be delivered to his care home.

My dad returned to the UK about 3 years ago after nearly 20 years abroad and had no problem registering with a GP.

LeftieRightsHoarder · 10/05/2026 20:42

I’ve no advice to offer, OP, but sending you much sympathy and hoping you can get Dad safely home to die in peace xx

BurnoutGP · 10/05/2026 20:42

Soontobe60 · 10/05/2026 20:32

The likelyhood is that he will end up dying in hospital over here if he’s not got long left. I say that because the support for end of life here is currently in crisis. There’s little guarantee that he would get hospice support, he’d likely struggle to get a GP appointment as he won’t be registered with one, so he would be struggling with pain.

That is all nonsense. Every surgery i know has excellent palliative care. As a GP we would register immediately. One of us would go out to see him and start the palliative process. Same day referral to district nurse and community palliative care. Who are excellent. He can most certainly be facilitated to die at home. Am sick and tired of this scaremongering.

Oldgalgames · 10/05/2026 20:42

Sorry to hear about your dad OP.
How are you planning on physically getting him to the UK? Would he be able to get on a normal flight? Otherwise it will cost a significant amount of money for anything private with medical staff.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/05/2026 20:45

What a terrible situation, I’m so sorry.

I’d be very worried that being nonresident would make the whole thing complicated and stressful and ultimately he could not get what he wants. And his wife would be in a difficult position as well.

Is there any way to bring Scotland to him, with family and any aspects of culture he loves (with my dad that would be a piper)?

Arran2024 · 10/05/2026 20:49

My dad had terminal cancer last year. He moved into an end of life home - we/he would not have coped with this at his home. I think you are underestimating what is involved, sorry - probably best he stays where he is. My cousin died within a week of a pancreatic cancer diagnosis, it happened so fast. Once it takes hold......sorry for your situation.