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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To try and get my Dad back to the UK so he can die here

258 replies

Ataloss23 · 10/05/2026 20:14

I am looking for a bit of support with this, as I don't really know where to start!

My Dad lives in the USA, born in Scotland but moved over in 2019 when he married his wife who he met whilst traveling over there.

18 months ago he was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. He tolerated treatment well, and we have been lucky to get more time with him.

He decided he wanted to move back to Scotland, so he could live out his days here. He sought advice from lawyers and they began the immigration process for his wife, which has been long winded. She has paid all of her fees, including NHS fees and had her embassy interview 9 weeks ago. We have been told it takes up to 12 weeks to get a response.

His treatment over the past few months hasn't gone as well as it has been, and he has taken a real decline this week. I've ended up flying over to America to be with him as we don't know how much time he has left. We are discussing hospice options, and he has said that he would much rather find a way to get back to Scotland, because he still wants to die back home. So I am trying to do everything I can to get him home, but would really appreciate some guidance.

His Dr here has said that he may be able to discharge him for flying, if he feels he would be able to manage the whole flight and we can manage his pain. My concern is how quickly could we access services in the UK? We live quite rurally, so not the same issues for getting access to GP as people in larger populated areas experience. I'm more concerned about how we would access District Nurses, pain relief, stuff like that rather than home support/hospice/care home, as we will be providing his care at home and should manage it all between us.

And regarding the Immigration process - his wife is unable to travel to the UK while immigration clearance is ongoing. Is there a way to expedite this to get him home this week does anyone think? As much as he wants to be here to die, he doesn't want to be here without her. I have plans to phone Immigration in the morning from over here to see what we can do, as I feel this is the biggest challenge we are going to face.

I know this isn't a very common situation, but does anyone have anything similar that they could share with me, or have any professional insight regarding accessing District Nurses or Immigration?

I'm also trying to suss out what services we will need to get him home - private ambulance from the hospital to my house, a hospital bed (can I even get one of these in the house if I don't have access to OTs? Pain management in the community etc. Is there anything else I haven' considered that I need to look into?

I know we are probably chasing something that isn't possible, but I want to make sure I'm doing everything I can to meet his wishes.

Any thoughts or advice would be great please!

OP posts:
shellyleppard · 18/05/2026 17:00

@Ataloss23 so sorry for your loss x sending the biggest of hugs ❤️ 🫂💐

Steelworks · 18/05/2026 17:16

Sorry for your loss.

Arran2024 · 18/05/2026 18:06

So very sorry. I lost my dad last year. It hurts. Hugs xxx

Bookloveruk · 18/05/2026 19:38

Ataloss23 · 18/05/2026 16:19

Just another update

He passed away last night, in his living room in America. We made peace with the fact we couldn't get him home. I'm glad he isn't in pain anymore.

Thank you for all of your kind and supportive words throughout.

Lots of love to you all

Thechaseison71 · 18/05/2026 19:45

Sorry to hear about your loss

Roomforapony · 18/05/2026 22:22

So sorry for your loss @Ataloss23 💔

Purplebunnie · 18/05/2026 22:45

So sorry, hugs

Barney16 · 18/05/2026 22:49

So sorry for your loss. Be comforted by the knowledge that he knew you loved him very much and I'm quite sure he loved you in exactly the same way.

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