Too many chores or helpful learning and fun.

[Yummypotatoes]

I will try not to make this too long.

My SIL was visiting recently and is horrified by my parenting. She has now started telling the family that I am almost abusing my child. I consider that I am teaching a young child the early basics of how to become a functioning adult in a fun way. Which of us is right?

I have a 3 year old DS who I do expect to help a bit. What I mean is when they have finished with toys they are expected to help tidy them. Things like putting things back in the toy box. If there is an accumulation of bits and pieces on the floor I will have him help me put them away. When I am doing a wash he will help load the washing machine or tumble dryer with me. He helps sometimes with washing up. He also sometimes helps to cook. Which he loves and calls us chefs and insists on everyone in the kitchen wearing an apron.

I teach him other independence skill like he can mostly dress himself with a bit of help with buttons etc and he is working on doing up zips and putting on his own shoes.

DS loves all of this and the only one I would ever tell him he has to help with is tidying up his own toys. The others I ask if he wants to help with and no is an acceptable answer to me at this age.

YABU - this is way too much. Why should a young child help.

YANBU - he likes helping and it teaches things he will need to know later.

Your SIL sounds ignorant, she will be raising lazy children that think that everything is someone else's problem. Or only for a mother to do, and we all know where that leads!

Do what you want with your child - there is no right or wrong way, just your way.

Tell your SIL to fuck off. She must have a very small little life if you telling your kid to tidy up gets to her.

I am with you. It's never too young to get them helping.

I have a 4 year old and 2 year old. We do all of that. In a funish way. Is she a parent? If not, then that makes sense - no idea of development, at that age they LOVE to do everything parents do. They don't realise it's a 'chore' yet.

If she is a parent, I wonder if she never let's her kids lift a finger? Just wondering what they'll be like as teens 🤔 I say, start with expectations like that young, and continue as you mean to go on (obviously with age-appropriate expectations).

Keep on going the way you are. Ignore SIL
And maybe don't have her to visit again!!

Sounds like a perfectly normal way to parent @Yummypotatoes. Your SIL sounds a bit dramatic.

Do you normally have a good relationship with her?

Sounds bang on to me. It's good for kids to learn how to be independent.

So she sees your 3 year old actively asking to “help” with cooking and laundry… and then she berates you for being to hard on him by you saying “sure you can help”?

what did your partner say to him?

The whole point of parenting is teaching your child to be an independent person, and learning the values of love, respect, kindness etc...

Part of that is working as a team and understanding everyone has their role, and therefore "boring" tasks shouldn't just be left to one person.

So sounds like your parenting is spot on and you're doing the right thing. Mine did exactly the same. They're now 10 and 15 and if they want screen time (privilege) they will make sure chores are done before even asking!

My 10 year old is currently in the shower and has already done piano practice as she wants me to put some time on her tablet!

I can answer this… Hell no and a big back story of tension between the two

It’s abusive if your child has to do chores to earn their dinner, or if they have to do things that are dangerous for them. But helping and doing what Mummy and Daddy are doing is still fun at that age, so it’s a great time to instil the mindset that it’s normal for everyone to help.

My SIL was visiting recently and is horrified by my parenting. She has now started telling the family that I am almost abusing my child.

and? Surely they just shake their heads and chuckle in response

To be fair they are mostly saying for SIL to but out of our parenting.

mostly

you mean some are taking her seriously?

how badly do you and her usually get on?

How much of the ‘chores’ does your DH do? Or is it just you and the children?

She didn't say anything while visiting just been sounding off to family since.

DH called her when he heard what she had been saying and at the end of the call came and said to me that she has gone mad and to ignore her. We had a laugh about some of parenting ideas.

DH is the main cook. I do a lot of the washing and we share tidying. He is absolutely involved in our child and fully involved in family life.

And everyone in the family has presumably scoffed and laughed at her?

this will be latest thing in a catalogue of incidents between you and your SIL?

TBH I barely know her. She lives abroad and only comes back every few years. This is the first time we've met since DH and I got married. I can't say we were best mates then but certainly no bad feeling. Just 2 adult women being polite to someone they didn't know and had a different life to.

She is pregnant and came to visit family and look for a house so she can be 'home' when she has her child.

And DS helps his dad with the cooking and his chores?

No. She has barely registered in my life thus far.

How did you learn that she’s been saying this to family?

Absolutely. Same rules from both parents.

I do the exact same with my boys as I dont want them to be men that sit back and allow a partner (or whoever they live with) to do everything. They are learning to be good partners, good fathers, good housemates etc. My heart would break if it thought they were resented in any way as living partners in the future, your doing a fab job your SIL is nuts

This is all very strange
you hardly know or see her
she lives abroad
but she told you that she would be telling family this about you or family have told you what she said? In which case, surely they were laughing as they told you?!