Too many chores or helpful learning and fun.

[Yummypotatoes]

I will try not to make this too long.

My SIL was visiting recently and is horrified by my parenting. She has now started telling the family that I am almost abusing my child. I consider that I am teaching a young child the early basics of how to become a functioning adult in a fun way. Which of us is right?

I have a 3 year old DS who I do expect to help a bit. What I mean is when they have finished with toys they are expected to help tidy them. Things like putting things back in the toy box. If there is an accumulation of bits and pieces on the floor I will have him help me put them away. When I am doing a wash he will help load the washing machine or tumble dryer with me. He helps sometimes with washing up. He also sometimes helps to cook. Which he loves and calls us chefs and insists on everyone in the kitchen wearing an apron.

I teach him other independence skill like he can mostly dress himself with a bit of help with buttons etc and he is working on doing up zips and putting on his own shoes.

DS loves all of this and the only one I would ever tell him he has to help with is tidying up his own toys. The others I ask if he wants to help with and no is an acceptable answer to me at this age.

YABU - this is way too much. Why should a young child help.

YANBU - he likes helping and it teaches things he will need to know later.

MIL called us very confused. She wondered what was going on.

Also no issues in my relationship with MIL who sees us way more and knows exactly how we parent. MIL has no problem with our parenting and just spoils DS a little when she is around as GPS do. Something we have no issue with.

After the conversation she said she would call SIL, her daughter, and tell her that if she had any sense she would take notes not criticise. If SIL wants to parent differently fine but MIL thinks it's daft to criticise other parents lest you have to eat your words

Family told us. They were confused.

Your mother in law was “confused” about what? She knows you and your son and how you parent. It’s awful she called you “confused” and didn’t just tell her daughter to stop being daft

someone needs to tell SIL to wind her neck in.

I’d be really hurt my mil seems to have taken it vaguely serious and was “confused”.

nothing to be confused about. Her SIL was being daft.

This exactly. I will raise all children to be independent, competent adults irrespective of sex.

This

my family wouldn’t be “confused”. They’d be pissed off either her and tell her to zip it and not even mention it to me

She said she couldn't understand what SIL was going on about.

I get on fine with MIL. I am not hurt or upset by her reaction to all of this TBF I am confused what has got SIL's knickers in a twist.

her Daughter said you were being abusive because you give chores

what was there to be confused about? Should have just told her to zip it

It all seems so daft. I'm not sure anyone needs to get upset. The message has gone back to keep her opinions to herself.

Maybe she is feeling unsure about her place in the family as she has lived away so long. I don't know.

I am not going to make this into a major drama though. Next time I see her I will be perfectly pleasant and just ignore it all.

And hopefully if she spouts nonsense to your mil again, your mil won’t call you “confused”!

I’d have been upset my husband’s family was “confused” rather than all just telling her she’s talking out her ass @Yummypotatoes

Why is everyone picking on the MIL saying she was confused??

She probably just wondered what the hell SIL was going on about that's all but half a dozen posts jumped on that

I suppose because given the MIL is close to the family and see the op and her GC a lot… to have her daughter tell her something on the basis of one flying visit…. Well “confused” is an odd reaction.

in the mil’s shoes, if I was close to the family and therefore knew this to be nonsense, I’d have told her not to spout nonsense and wouldnt have even mentioned it

No adivce but I wish I made mine do mroe chores now, eldest is 10 soon and SO lazy with her stuff 🙈

"She is pregnant and came to visit family and look for a house so she can be 'home' when she has her child"

Boy, is she in for a shock when she finds out what parenting a toddler is like.😂

You are parenting exactly appropriately. I did the same and it gave all my kids basic skills and an appreciation of what goes into keeping a home clean and comfortable. They soak it all up at this age and enjoy helping. My youngest is 11 now and they all still help out and can cook proper meals and clean and iron if needs be. They also bake a great cake! On the other hand my brother has two teenagers who have never lifted a finger or been expected to and can literally do nothing for themselves. Not even make a toasted sandwich. Their mother is treated like their personal maid. The oldest is off to uni next year so that will be interesting as a learning curve!
you’re doing a good job. The world needs less snowflakes and more well rounded, confident and capable young people who have been parented and raised to be able to look after themselves.

A 3 year old who is in nursery would be expected to help tidy away toys too so hardly at the coal face. You start it young, when they take off their clothes they put them into the laundry hamper. Them helping put clothes into the washing machine helps them to understand how clothes get clean. Tumble dryer helps them understand how it gets dry. They can even match socks at this age to make a pair.

When they start school if they have a school lunch they will be responsible for carrying their tray to the table and when finished, scrape their leftovers into a bin, put their cutlery into the correct bin and their water glass too. They do this from 4. At home that means taking your plate into the kitchen from the table, setting the table and wiping down the table.

Mine stripped their own beds at about 7 or 8 with help to begin with and put it into the washing machine, decanted powder and turned the machine on. Essentially you are raising a child to be a fully functioning adult.

I rather feel this.

Thanks everyone for reassuring me. The family have actually been great and SIL has now apologised. Not sure how genuinely but I am not going to fuss over what her opinion may or may not be.

On reflection I think part of her issue is that she has become adjusted to living in a rather segregated society based on sex and is used to a LOT of help in the home. I think that parenting will be a shock as will managing without servants. She didn't grow up like this but...

Anyway none of that needs to bother me so I shan't let it. My DS is amazing and is growing up into a sensible contributing member of society.

You can't spell silly without SIL.

Keep up your good work, and your DS sounds wonderful.

I’m surprised the family didn’t just laugh when they heard this. Considering they actually see your parenting much more regularly that a flying visit from an abroad based SIL