To feel undermined by my mum's constant unsolicited advice?

[mullingitallover43]

My mum has a tendency to give me unsolicited advice / suggestions on how I should run my life.

Here's an example; we have a family wedding next weekend and my son is in the middle of GCSEs. Mum just called me to ask if he has any GCSEs on the Monday morning after the wedding. So I tell her again, yes, he does. She tells me "Oh, well you don't have to stay until the end of the wedding then, you can leave early and get him home."

I've discussed this with my husband already and we had already decided to do that as a couple, without her weighing in.

Another example. I recently had a minor surgery. She told me "I really want you to get a cleaner while you're recovering," and and that she would pay for it. A kind gesture, seemingly, but something I'd prefer to discuss with my husband and pay for ourselves.

For context I am 44, married, have a responsible and successful career. She did not have a career herself, and was a homemaker.

I know she thinks she's being helpful and caring, and that some might think I'm being ungrateful or cold, but I find it chips away at me and feels disempowering.

If you're reading this thinking why don't you just ask her to stop...on the couple of times that I have done that, she's been offended. I once asked her to not advise me on how much water to put in a vase of flowers, and she turned red and stormed out of my house in a huff.

This is a very entrenched dynamic that I've probably enabled for years. For example, she used to often answer for me when I was a kid. Then when I had my sons, she was very present and hands on involved with raising them, which was often super helpful but also overbearing at times. Whenever she's at my house, she'll get started with cleaning, or gardening, and always arrives with bags full of stuff for the house and for the boys.

YABU - Many of us would love the help of a caring mother, take the good from it and be grateful she cares in her way.

YANBU - This is overbearing behaviour and you need to set better boundaries with her.

The examples you have given all seem quite mild and minor to me. So unless she's saying this sort of stuff several times an hour, I think you're being oversensitive.

From here, it looks like she really cares and is expressing that in a way that makes sense to her. I'd cut her some slack if you can.

My mum does this too - yes it's annoying sometimes but it sounds like it comes from a place of caring for you all. My mum is in her 80s now and her life has shrunk, she doesn't have much to think about other than me and my sister and her grandchildren. She's always giving advice and sends me loads of crap she sees on Facebook too 😂 I just give it a thumbs up and move on!

I don't think she's trying to disempower or undermine you - she's just a mum who thinks she knows best! To be honest, I probably do it with my own adult children too a bit, and you probably will when your children are adults too! Most of the time, I bite my lip instead of giving advice but the odd one slips out 😂

Honestly? I think you are getting your knickers in a twist unnecessarily and being a bit oversensitive.

Isn't this what Mums do? They care and give advice, even sometimes when its not needed. I know my Mum used to do it and I do it myself sometimes with my adult DD's. They just humour me, as I did with my Mum, and I normally get a 'Yes Mum' and an eye roll. But they know that everything I say comes from a good place and a place of care and love.

The examples you have given seem pretty minor IMO. It seems she has played an active roll in your life in a helpful and caring capacity so she is not just going to stop that now. Even though you are a capable adult with a successful career, its just who she is. Her offer to pay for a cleaner for you was just because she cares about you and doesn't want you stressing about keeping the house clean while recovering. How you can be annoyed at that is beyond me. And just because you and your DH had already discussed it, how was she supposed to know that?

I would just be grateful that you have such a loving and caring Mum (who annoys you occasionally but don't they all?) and try and just not let it bother you so much.

You will one day miss it, believe me 🌹

I think for the 2 examples you cite, she just sounds like she wants to make things easier for you. It isn’t unsolicited advice as I’d see it.
Unless there’s a back story and she does other stuff as well.

I think YABU based on your examples.
The first one surely just sounds like making conversation, saying your son needs to be home early and you could easily.just say yes we have already planned for that.

The second example sounds like she is just being kind. She wants to help you following the op and perhaps thinks it's better to offer something practical like a cleaner than to simply turn up with flowers or something. Surely you could still discuss that with your husband - my mum has offered to pay for a cleaner, what do you think?

Just because you’ve grown up doesn’t mean your Mum stops caring about you.

The examples you’ve given are so minor that this seems a bit of a you problem and you have become hyper sensitive to her suggestions. My DC and well into adulthood and I’m still likely to ask if they might need a coat or something and I struggle not to tell them to be careful.

Focus on your reaction and know that it comes from a place of love. Just murmur ‘yes, ok,’ and get on with your day.

Be honest, do you ever do this to your almost adult son? ‘Have you got everything/ done your homework/ make sure you look both ways when you cross the road.’

I was expecting to be able to support you, but the examples you've given are really innocuous. I think you are possibly being over sensitive, unless there is a massive drip feed coming.

She suggested you get a cleaner and offered to pay for it after you had minor surgery. The nerve of that woman!

It sounds like her attempts to be helpful rub you the wrong way and you take offense easily.

The storming out example you gave is much worse than the first two, if she has that in her I can see why it’s a bit unsettling. For the first two though it seems like she’s giving sensible advice and in the case of the cleaner, practical help. Can’t you just handle it with gentle humour - yep mum already decided, thank you for your input - and then move on?

Some people would love to have a mum like that while others would find her overbearing.

It would be better if she had couched her offer to pay for a cleaner as a query, e.g. 'would it be helpful if I paid for a cleaner while you recover'? rather than telling you that you needed a cleaner. She obviously takes offence quite easily if you don't show sufficient gratitude which must be annoying.

To be honest you sound particularly sensitive about this. With the wedding example, does it need to irritate you? You can either ignore or just say you’ve already planned to do that.

i understand that the wedding example is just a recent example out of many things, but I think you were too lax with the previous issues from before that you’re overreacting to something minor now. By the previous issues I mean her bringing bags of stuff to your house, or physically cleaning or whatever without your consent

Yabu on this. These are suggestions. These are offers of help. Your feeling undermined or whatever is a you problem. You should work on accepting help “thanks a cleaner would be just the thing” like, “ooo great minds think alike I was just planning to come home early”

I see no evidence of overstepping or poor boundaries.

You sound utterly spoiled to the point that you have no idea how lucky you are to have such a mom. I actually feel sorry for your mom. She deserves to be appreciated not told off for caring about you and being there for your family.

@mullingitallover43 Had to laugh when you said you found your mothers behaviour disempowering. That's very dramatic. Believe me, you'll miss her when she's no longer here.

You dont follow her suggestions i assume?
Just carry on doing what you want and take no notice. It really doesnt matter what she advises because she's not in control, you are

I can understand the annoyance, but I don’t think she is going to change, and it is probably preferable to the other common approaches (such as criticism - you can’t take your DC to a wedding the night before, or being entirely self-centred and not know there was a wedding, or that DC has exams; you will see lots of threads about both. I wonder if it becomes a bit more bearable if you listen to the intention and rephrase what she says in your head - such as PP - “would it be helpful”. You sound highly capable and find problem solving easy, as does your mum - as some said upthread “great minds think alike”

You are being ott - if my mother suggested the gcse thing I’d say yeah that’s what we will be doing and not give it another thought

Mums get a hard time on here but it’s you who is seemingly spoilt and entitled if anything

why should she alter her ways just to please you - do you think you are better than her just because you have a career? Where’s your father? Do you take after him and treat your mother like dirt

It sounds like at least some of the suggestions are pretty sensible, given the OP is planning to do those things anyway.

@mullingitallover43 "Then when I had my sons, she was very present and hands on involved with raising them"

Does that mean you relied on her for childcare whilst you worked? If so, you didn't mind her interfering then did you? And it means that she's rightly involved with her grandson's life, hence the comment about the wedding. Anyway, she sounds loving and caring. My own mum was similar and I miss her every day. You also sound rather sneery and superior about her being a SAHM. Count yourself luck you and your son have someone like that in your life. You never know when you might really need it.

Are you my daughter OP?
This is exactly the sort of thing that I do. I love to help my adult DC and I often offer, as I know they wouldn’t necessarily ask for help/ support.
I wouldn’t be at all offended if they didn’t take up my offers/suggestions, but thankfully they seem to appreciate them.

I would bite my mum's hand off if she offered to pay for me to have a cleaner!!

What's the issue here?

I get this a little bit with my kids - it helped when they realised my advice was not an order - they could take it or leave it. I'm happy for them to run their own lives genuinely happy but sometimes it's hard to watch a car crash in slow motion.
DD didn't get travel insurance for her last holiday and I know if things went seriously wrong we'd be expected to foot the bill.
We're all independent until we need help!

I'm a mum to 2 adults, both doctors (almost), so they can be assumed to be competent professional grown ups. Yet, I still text them to drive carefully if it's an icy day. I still ask one if he's taken paracetamol when he's got the flu. I still regularly nag the other to get a haircut.

Why? Not because I don't think they don't know WAY better than me how to look after themselves, but because I bloody love them both to the ends of the earth and it's my small way of showing how much I care about them. Of course they laugh and take not a blind bit of notice of my reminders, but they understand I'm sharing their lives in a small way.

Why do you think you take your mum's comments as criticism? Has she regularly undermined you when younger? How would you rate your own self esteem in general?

Can I ask you what your mum could say to you, for example in the context of offering help after your surgery? What would you like her to say?

Honestly? She sounds very on your side. She's agreeing woth you re: getting your son homefor his exam. Undermining you would be saying 'ohhhh exams dont matter, dont be a fusspot'. And offering to pay for a cleaner while you recover? I wish my mum undermined me like that 🤣