Does family support with young kids save marriages?

[Bumbumbumbumbum2026]

I know the real solution should be men pulling their weight and giving mothers whatever support they need but given the amount of posts on here and personal experience, Am I being unreasonable in saying consistent family support (eg grandparents) would be the savour for a lot of relationships.

I know a few who have their grandchildren overnight once a week and I think that must make a massive difference.

We don’t have any grandparents close by, we support each other. We’re both very happy in our marriage.

Same

No, if anything id wager it makes them more likely to divorce.

For me, an intolerance to a husband who does nothing with his kids, has less to do with what the wife needs and more to do with inherent feelings of fairness based on how we define marriage rolls nowadays.

Having support, for me, won't remove the feeling that things are unfair..

What it will do is make it easier for the separation to happen, because the wife isn't trapped far away from any help, and likely already has a good set up with grandparents and other help.

I don't think it would for me.

Seeing my parents step up instead of my DH, would've built enough resentment inside me to kill the marriage.

Plus it would've meant I wouldn't have had more than one child with him.

If it’s needed so badly because one spouse doesn’t do their share of parenting gruntwork, then it’s not a marriage worth saving.

(We had our child while living in a different country to all of both family. Any childcare was paid for.)

Very interesting question. Probably through the nitty gritty, eventually boils down to...its all relative.

Born w/no grandparents on either side. Parents never divorced, had five kids and zero help unless paid for.

Was it easy for my parents, I'm sure absolutely not. They made good choices and bad. Didn't drink but fought like cats and dogs regardless.

Also, the overnight once a week often sees the woman using that childfree time to catch up on housework.

Then after she's been run ragged all day, the DH will expect sex because it's 'childfree time'.

If one partner isn't pulling their weight then no the resentment will always be there If its to allow them time to spend as a couple yes it can

I think it does help, yes, and in the past it was very normal. The problem now is that so many people live far from their family and so they don't have access to that support. Most men didn't historically help with childcare - it was the grandmas that did and provided the parents with a bit of a break. I was always round my grandparents' when I was a kid, but we live too far away and it's been hard raising kids with very little support from the wider family. Having said that, my DPs divorced and so far DH and I haven't, so it's not everything!

The issue is maintaining a marriage, and a home and raising kids, whilst working full time , doing life admin and attempting to manage own health/ sense of self between two people is frankly fucking ridiculous .

in past times there was a division of labour so typically the wife did the home and husband worked. Now there’s a need/ want for both parent to work but there’s still all the other stuff too, plus parents are way more engaged in their children’s lives/ education, and there’s more life admin / expectations on people.

Yes it’s easier if extended family carry some of it for you. Or if you can afford childcare/ cleaner/ gardener etc so you out source some of the stuff.

Trying to do it all is nigh on impossible particularly if you have additional stresses such as health needs, aging parents who need support or children who have additional needs.

Most men didn't historically help with childcare

Most women didn't historically go out and work the same hours as the men.

So I'm not sure it's comparable.

We parented equally and also had great support from both sets of grandparents.

What I see on here though is lazy men being accepted and women resenting their in-laws.

I think this is the problem. Many men saw their own dad's doing less and just assume it's ok for them to be the same. They don't factor in that their grandparents (let's be honest grandmothers) were helping and if their own family doesn't have that support that they will be expected to pull their weight.

If anything the men that are aware of this discrepancy are more often going to be the ones that don't want kids because they don't want to do more work than their dad's.

What I see on here though is lazy men being accepted and women resenting their in-laws.

Whilst having more than one child with said lazy men.

It’s a complete myth that ‘in the past’ women didn’t work outside the home. The idea that a SAHM and a male provider was normal was a brief blip in social history.

We didn’t have family anywhere nearby. We just got in with it. Still married decades later.

I don’t think it saves marriages, but it removes some pressure and an element of stress.

just like money can’t buy happiness or make a bad relationship good, it can remove some stresses than add pressure to a marriage

I think if you need your parents' support to keep your marriage healthy and thriving then you have bigger fish to fry.

Yes I think it really can. Where I live extended families are very supportive and generally have very loving and close relationships with their dc and gdc. All my family and friends seem to have very happy marriages- get babysitting to go out together, nights away, school pick ups, help with DIY etc. I don’t know anyone within my close circle of around 30 families were the parents have separated or divorced.

I think it can interfere with the establishment of roles and responsibilities in the early stages. Two branches of our extended family have strong, involved grandmas and dh’s who are constantly at football training, out with their lad friends or on work trips, while grandma takes up the slack. There’s an expectation that men are a bit useless, so they’re not challenged, and also pushed out a bit.

My dm would probably have been similar but was caught up with my df’s health crisis when I became a mother, and dh and I had to lean on each other. We became a team then, and learned how to support each other. By the time gm was able to help us out, it was to give us a little time together, not to facilitate dh being an eternal lad.

Mmm it's interesting.
I had a lot of help from my parents when my kids were younger. It possibly helped my marriage limp along longer than it otherwise would.
I did divorce him in the end. A lot of shit happened that possibly could have been avoided if we'd called time sooner, possibly not.
I trusted my parents with my kids way more than I trusted him. He was, I believe, willing... Just utterly useless and inconsistent.

I think the grandparental help papered over the cracks, but ultimately, for us, would not ever have been enough to stop the foundations falling apart.

I can see in other situations - maybe where both partners ARE pulling their weight but ultimately both working and parenting is a tough gig, that the respite afforded by involved grandparents helps the couple to run their lives more smoothly, have less stress, maybe date nights / time to themselves and ultimately gets them through that really tough time with young children.

It was my experience growing up in the 80’s/90’s and that of my friends and it was also my parents experience growing up in the 50/60’s . And wasn’t there a time when pregnant women were expected to leave their jobs?. Obviously there’s always exceptions/ different experiences but it was more common for mothers to not work in the past more so than today.
And arguably life as a parent has become more complicated with children having less independence and parents being more involved with schooling.

My point is the circumstances have changed and with that the expectations have increased

Lack of external support might not be the reason marriages fail, but the availability of support makes a huge difference to those that receive it.

Same.

I come from a massive family with loads of women and if any of them did work, it was part-time once the kids were over the age of about 12.

Lots of 'tea ladies', 'dinner ladies' and part-time shop assistants on their local high streets.

ETA: My experience was of growing up in the 70s and 80s.

What really made the difference was having a solid marriage to start with. Not more date nights.

We did have date nights. We have no family support. We paid an already trusted person for an evening twice a month when ours were little. I mean, I guess it was nice, but I actually found it quite exhausting. A lot of work to sort the baby and the house and less sleep because we stayed up later.

What truly made the difference though was going into being parents completely committed and solid with eyes wide open. We knew it was going to be a phase and a rough one, but we’d come out the other end. We also totally supported each other in terms of career and hobbies and travel. Dh did all the parenting 3 days a week so I could work long days and build my career. He made it possible for me to do things I enjoy, and to have solo holidays and go off travelling without the kids. I did the same for him.

We didn’t lose ourselves or completely break from exhaustion because we had each other’s backs completely. I don’t think it would have been the same with granny stepping in to help. It mattered for our marriage that WE were the ones doing it for each other.