Does family support with young kids save marriages?

[Bumbumbumbumbum2026]

I know the real solution should be men pulling their weight and giving mothers whatever support they need but given the amount of posts on here and personal experience, Am I being unreasonable in saying consistent family support (eg grandparents) would be the savour for a lot of relationships.

I know a few who have their grandchildren overnight once a week and I think that must make a massive difference.

I think it must really help maintain a relationship if nothing else. We have 2 young children and my parents are amazing grandparents but they don’t do regular childcare which is totally fair enough and I don’t expect them to- they have worked hard and raised their babies and are enjoying their freedom now as they should! My husband really is great, a great partner and a great dad, I can’t complain at all but it does mean my husband & I don’t really have any “us” time other than after bedtime which sometimes is literally 5 minutes before we also go to bed😂 Our friends who also have 2 children have a night off every weekend as both sets of grandparents do a Saturday night every other week and I do just think it must make everything feel easier, knowing you have one night of guaranteed sleep every week, one night to maybe have a date night or even just sit down and do nothing!

I’d rather be single than with a man that didn’t help me, family or not.

You mean family members helping make up for poor parenting by one of the parents?

It won't help the marriage, but will help the parent who does everything.

I think maybe in middle class families. In our working class family both parents always work. Me in the 90s, my parents in the 70s and my grandparents and great grandparents before that

No, I’ve lived abroad with young kids my whole marriage and parenting life. No family help whatsoever. My marriage is great, ups and downs but we are really happy.

We are about to move back to our home country and have the grandparents around, willing to babysit (not daily childcare but an evening once a week) and I’m curious to see if it changes much in my marriage. DH and I don’t drink, so eating out in a restaurant isn’t as enjoyable anymore. We’ll probably go to the movies, or maybe for dessert and a walk along the beach.

We prefer time spent together watching a movie in the evening, or working out in the home gym, both activities which don’t require a babysitter.

The only thing that will change will be extra help if one of the kids is home sick from school. However, we’ve managed that on our own for the past 8 years, so I imagine we’ll be fine.

Of course having family around to help doesn't save marriages!

My parents were happily married for 28 years when my Dad died. They never had any help. I asked my mum. what made their marriage survive and she said what a lot of couples don't do, especially after having kids, is making time for themselves to just be a couple. It doesn't mean you have to go out, get babysitters in or do anything different but put the kids to bed and spend a couple of hours just enjoying one another's company. My parents used to eat after my brother and I were in bed, Dad cooked and dinner was their time for adult conversation and just being a married couple. It's important to still see each other as a spouse and not just as a chef/cleaner/nanny.

We also had childminders which i hated. Mum went back to uni to do her PGCE when I started school and Dad was the breadwinner and took us put at the weekend so Mum could study.

Well it certainly helps if it allows both parents to have a break and spend some quality time together.

I think (where possible) a couple having some child-free time together is really important.

I have great family support and my ex fiance still fled when I was pregnant so it didn’t save ours!

we were lower working class. I grew up in a deprived area. We had no central heating upstairs, clothes were hand me downs, treats were few and far between. There was always money for fags and beer though. Dad was a bricklayer but he got laid off sometimes so work was up and down. They were proud never claimed any benefits . All the dads in our village had manual labour type jobs . Logically if mum had worked we would have had more money but dad didn’t want mum working and it wasn’t the norm. She was a typist before she married and re trained as a bookkeeper when I was 12.

Oh my dad was a postman and mum was a shop assistant.

We didn't have central heating at all, but parents did own the house so probably couldn't afford to get it fitted
.no landline phone or holidays either.

But nearly all the mums we knew worked except one who sort of did unofficial childminding for the kids of others,

Erm no working on your marriage and taking time to communicate, have set bedtimes, talk time, film times etc that's what makes a marriage work.. you don't need someone to have your kids to make it work or I wouldn't be married still twenty years on with a bunch of kids and a wonderful dh

How do you do that if the only time you get together is when the kids are awake?

Not really, it’s the husband & wife equally pulling their weight that makes things work.

Money
Cleaner
After school childcare
Both having nice but not completely workaholic careers
Not having children with special needs

All this helps but none of it can stop your marriage failing or make it a good one.

I agree with you. We’ve no family support at all and husband and I haven’t been out together in the evening for nearly 3 years now. ( we have three small children) I think mothers who get a night off every so often or even guaranteed childcare so they can go to the hairdresser or go to the dentist etc are living a different life to me !

Agree 100%

It was years before I went out with DH

We had forgotten what to talk about! Life revolved around the kids (he also worked away)

When are you talking about ? My 3 DC were born in the 80s. 3 months Maternity Leave each time then back to full time work .
In my circle only 1 was a SAHM , 1 worked p/ time and the rest full time .

It could in the sense that less sleep deprivation means less arguing and more dates means a closer connection to your spouse.

However, family doing more than your spouse can kill the relationship especially if the support means that the spouse rarely does any parenting. There are some shocking stories on here about women accepting an insanely low bar from spouses.

Also have you read all the posts on here about support being a double edged sword and creating conflict between husband and wife?

A spouse who pulls his weight is very attractive and I think that surviving the early years can strengthen a relationship.

Most of my friends lived hundreds of miles from their respective families. Their marriages are still going strong, decades later. Surely, it's about the couples themselves?

Well it can’t hurt. For a couple with money for a nanny or babysitter, or that have a very easygoing sleeping baby, it may not make much difference. For a couple where one works all hours sent and the other is home with a colicky non-sleeping baby, I imagine that 1 night a week would make a huge difference.

We were in the latter camp and had zero family support. We have a very tough 2 years when our 2nd was born and the oldest was 3 where it just felt like we would never feel rested, or have relaxed time together ever again. Thats now passed and we are rediscovering each other and all the reasons we got together in the first place which is nice. But 1 night a week would’ve made a huge difference back then.

If one partner won't pull their weight, why bother trying to save the relationship? I wouldn't want my dcs growing up with that as an example, thinking that is an OK way to behave.
Better to separate so the hard working parent has a chance of happiness and the dcs don't think abusing someone else is OK.

having other people step in and do the job a father should be doing won’t solve the resentment. It won’t take care of the mental load that now includes managing people.

family support in a healthy marriage would be great. In one that isn’t functioning well, it is only going to highlight the failure.