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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to stay with someone lovely if we do not quite click?

38 replies

Nogreenskittles · 09/05/2026 22:37

I’m in a LTR relationship with a lovely guy.

we are both divorced with 2 teenage kids each and separate homes. No intention to move in together until kids have left school.

the relationship ticks lots of boxes- he’s respectful and reliable, we get on well and enjoy each other’s company. Part of me is very content and would be happy to continue like this indefinitely.

the problem is he doesn’t make me laugh. I mean like we rarely really really laugh about something together. Don’t get me wrong we share similar humour, and he isn’t super serious. But it’s not like with most of my friends where we have running jokes, or I’ll know they’ll just ‘get it’. I’ve had ex boyfriends where we’ve really gelled in terms of humour.

I sometimes think we just don’t ‘click’

im not sure if it’s a problem though…after all, I get that connection from female friends.

am I wrong to stay in this relationship? Or am I going to regret not looking for something with a better connection?

I do love him. And I like him.

OP posts:
Wildgarlic80 · 09/05/2026 22:38

What are your share interests? What do you bond over?

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 09/05/2026 22:39

What's the sex like?

Original poster
Nogreenskittles · 09/05/2026 22:40

@Wildgarlic80 we share a hobby. We enjoy going out to theatre, dinner, similar taste in holidays

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 09/05/2026 22:40

Is he boring you? Is the relationship good in other ways?

Original poster
Nogreenskittles · 09/05/2026 22:42

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 09/05/2026 22:39

What's the sex like?

Regular and enjoyable, but probably a bit more predictable than I’d like.

but then I think I’m menopausal and quite content with nothing too strenuous!

OP posts:
Original poster
Nogreenskittles · 09/05/2026 22:46

Butchyrestingface · 09/05/2026 22:40

Is he boring you? Is the relationship good in other ways?

Doesn’t bore me. But sometimes feel I do the heavy lifting in the conversation ( I talk a lot so it’s not a hardship for me)

i sometimes get frustrated at the lack of a really sparky conversation, or a more deep emotional connection. There was someone recently posting about a partner who had no ‘inner world’ and my DP is a bit like that.

He is intelligent and has opinions on things

OP posts:
Pippa12 · 09/05/2026 22:51

I suppose it’s if you can see yourself growing old together. Laughter is a massive part of our marriage, like true belly laughing. Eventually, I think I’d really miss that. How long have you been divorced? Is it soon to be ‘settling’? Do you think when you’re bored stiff in 5-10 years time you’ll be too old in the tooth to start all this all over again? It sounds like he’s very ‘safe’ rather than giving you butterflies… and you don’t live together yet with him pissing on the toilet seat and keeping you awake snoring!

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 09/05/2026 22:54

Nogreenskittles · 09/05/2026 22:42

Regular and enjoyable, but probably a bit more predictable than I’d like.

but then I think I’m menopausal and quite content with nothing too strenuous!

Show quote history

Do you think you'll get bored of it with him, then?
It doesn't sound very inspiring.

Original poster
Nogreenskittles · 09/05/2026 23:03

I think I’ll just get bored of it. He’s a calming presence after a turbulent time and I wonder if I’ll get restless after a few years.

im just so exhausted with never finding a decent relationship- I don’t think I’m massively picky, but it’s almost impossible to meet a kind, solvent, decent man who is also a good laugh? I mean ffs!

I think the thought of ending yet another relationship is just too depressing to contemplate right now …

OP posts:
JLou08 · 09/05/2026 23:07

I'm guessing LTR means long term relationship. How have you got so far if you don't 'click'?
I don't think I'd end a relationship over someone not making me laugh, as you say, you have friends who can meet that need for you. But, I wouldn't get past the early dating stage with someone I didn't click with either.

Pippa12 · 09/05/2026 23:08

Have you spoken to him about it? What makes him laugh? Do you watch funny films, comedians, go to gigs etc? Maybe you’ve just not found common ground yet. We enjoy going watching comedians- why not try a comedy store style night, and belly laugh together there? See if it sparks something new. We didn’t think we’d enjoy it but there’s nothing better than a night full of laughter! Perhaps you’ve fallen into the rut of being serious? Maybe he’s thinking the same?

I don’t think you should stay if he’s just safe, but if you wanted to give it a last chance saloon I’d start laughing at something together and see what happens.

QueenOfHiraeth · 09/05/2026 23:12

I realise I don't know you and don't want to overstep here but it sounds like, to use a baking analogy, you have a really good cake with tasty filling and an excellent frosting but you are thinking about binning it because the sprinkles on the top are not quite the right colour.

I do wonder if we all get a bit conditioned to expecting all the bells and whistles of Hollywood romances and passion. I'm not for a minute suggesting we return to the days when women settled for security but there's many parts to any relationship and the important bits change at different times in our lives so what we need at 60 is different to what we needed at 20.

This man may not be exciting but it sounds like you have a firm foundation to build on.

Maybe try flipping this thought on its head. Imagine your life in 10 years time, do you think you'd be happier with him in your life, even if you fill in some of those gaps with hobbies, other friends etc, or would you be happier if you'd built a life alone, bearing in mind you may or may not meet someone else. I sometimes find imagining looking back can give more clarity than looking forward.

LovelyAnd · 09/05/2026 23:53

QueenOfHiraeth · 09/05/2026 23:12

I realise I don't know you and don't want to overstep here but it sounds like, to use a baking analogy, you have a really good cake with tasty filling and an excellent frosting but you are thinking about binning it because the sprinkles on the top are not quite the right colour.

I do wonder if we all get a bit conditioned to expecting all the bells and whistles of Hollywood romances and passion. I'm not for a minute suggesting we return to the days when women settled for security but there's many parts to any relationship and the important bits change at different times in our lives so what we need at 60 is different to what we needed at 20.

This man may not be exciting but it sounds like you have a firm foundation to build on.

Maybe try flipping this thought on its head. Imagine your life in 10 years time, do you think you'd be happier with him in your life, even if you fill in some of those gaps with hobbies, other friends etc, or would you be happier if you'd built a life alone, bearing in mind you may or may not meet someone else. I sometimes find imagining looking back can give more clarity than looking forward.

It sounds to me more like the cake is perfectly well baked and decorated, but just not a flavour the OP likes. Isn’t capable of a sparky or involving conversation, doesn’t appear to have an ‘inner life’, doesn’t make her laugh, bores her slightly? Those are pretty fundamental problems.

Papersquidge · 10/05/2026 00:01

Not sure really, how long have you been together? Seems a bit daft to throw away a good relationship in search of a unicorn!

Sounds like you want a bit of excitement, nothing wrong with that but with excitement can also come unwanted drama.

sesquipedalian · 10/05/2026 00:08

“I do love him. And I like him.”

Is this not enough? And you say, “He’s a calming presence after a turbulent time and I wonder if I’ll get restless after a few years” - why would you? I find a lack of drama at home is something I enjoy, and a calming presence is surely to be recommended? OP, do you really want the equivalent of a teenage crush - the rush of blood, the extreme emotion etc etc and the transitory nature of the relationship? You’ve found a good man, and what I’m hearing is that he’s lovely but maybe he could be even better. Are you without a single flaw? Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good, otherwise you’ll never be happy.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 10/05/2026 00:11

You don’t need to settle OP. This is potentially the rest of your life you’re talking about. It’s ok to enjoy his company but I couldn’t be with someone I wasn’t 100% happy with. That doesn’t mean I’m seeking perfection it just means truly accepting someone for who they are. I think deep down you know that he isn’t making you happy.

SallyDraperGetInHere · 10/05/2026 00:13

I think in a few years time you’ll be silently wondering ‘is this it?’

Downunderduchess · 10/05/2026 00:17

It sounds like you are missing that something special that is important in a relationship, the chemistry for want of a better word. The feeling that he is your person and he gets you and you have that spark. He does sound like a good person but is he your forever person who you can grow old with and never run out of things to say and laugh about?

Villanousvillans · 10/05/2026 00:17

Keep your independence and don’t consider moving in with him. Keep him as a boyfriend. He sounds really good boyfriend material. Living with someone is very over rated.

CrinkledCutChips · 10/05/2026 00:23

I would have said could make it work with a ‘safe’ guy who feels peaceful IF he made you laugh. I do think that’s important sadly

Tink3rbell30 · 10/05/2026 00:24

Don't see an issue. It's slim pickings as it is.

Mammut · 10/05/2026 00:44

It sounds like you have doubts over more than this. What do you love about him?

CanSeeClearlyNowTheRainHasGone · 10/05/2026 03:43

Nogreenskittles · 09/05/2026 22:37

I’m in a LTR relationship with a lovely guy.

we are both divorced with 2 teenage kids each and separate homes. No intention to move in together until kids have left school.

the relationship ticks lots of boxes- he’s respectful and reliable, we get on well and enjoy each other’s company. Part of me is very content and would be happy to continue like this indefinitely.

the problem is he doesn’t make me laugh. I mean like we rarely really really laugh about something together. Don’t get me wrong we share similar humour, and he isn’t super serious. But it’s not like with most of my friends where we have running jokes, or I’ll know they’ll just ‘get it’. I’ve had ex boyfriends where we’ve really gelled in terms of humour.

I sometimes think we just don’t ‘click’

im not sure if it’s a problem though…after all, I get that connection from female friends.

am I wrong to stay in this relationship? Or am I going to regret not looking for something with a better connection?

I do love him. And I like him.

I do love him.

You dont.
You really don't.

You wouldn't be asking this question if you did.

If you're prepared to leave because he doesn't fulfil one need (that is filled by others already) then you're being transactional.

Do you miss him when he's not there?
Does just his presence make you smile?
Would you stay with him if he got cancer and needed you to help him?

Inmyuggs · 10/05/2026 03:59

Overall would not like someone who is no fun or spontaneous.
Please dont tell us you habe to explain rhe humor as well.
I can not do predictiable or serious lacking convo.

Ophir · 10/05/2026 04:03

I don’t know the answer @Nogreenskittles but I hear you. In a similar ish situation